Acceptable Expressions of Negative Feelings in Therapy

Responses to another poster’s thread got me thinking about a question, and I didn’t want to hijack so thought to start a separate place for this question.

What do you believe are appropriate expressions of feelings and emotions in therapy? What are your therapist’s boundaries? I am particularly interested in the negatives.

How does or would your therapist respond to expressing anger towards them?

Have or could you tell your therapist you hate them?

Is raising your voice in session acceptable?

Do they allow angry phone calls between sessions? Angry emails?

Have you ever accused your therapist of hurting you? Or not caring? Or not being competent? Could you?

Since ending therapy on a sour note, I have fantasies of all the angry things I wish I could go back and say to my therapist and the way I’d like to say them. Basically going nuclear. My EMDR therapist who was helping me through therapy trauma post-termination said the ‘corrective experience’ my therapist should have given me was permission to be angry at her, let it out, and have everything still be okay. Perhaps things wouldn't have boiled over as they did.

Thoughts?

I have never hollered in therapy. I have written a fairly long letter to EMDR T expressing frustration about something she said. By the end of the letter I pointed put that I realized while some of it was frustration with her I also recognized a lot of it had to do with my situation. We discussed everything and it worked out okay. One day we were discussing acoustics and privacy when Ts share walls. She thought I was asking because I could hear the person before me. She said the person tends to holler a lot which she is fine with but worries about confidentiality.

T I had a couple times where she said something I email that bothered me and I responded without thinking. She handled it well. Again we worked it out.

A few times I have felt hurt by something my T said or did and have told him so. He has always been receptive and we have talked it out. Sometimes he agrees he made a mistake, other times what he said brings up old hurt that isn't really about him.

My T says that all emotions are welcome in therapy, positive or negative. But I can't really imagine raising my voice or telling him I hate him. I don't think he's uncaring or incompetent so I wouldn't say that either.

We don't do out of session contact, angry or otherwise. Sometimes it is hard to be angry and have to wait a few days to express that, but I do better hashing things out in person.

I questioned the woman's competency all the time. I question the competency of that entire job force. I don't think clients can abuse therapists (other than perhaps trying to physically assault them). I think they are set up as an act - they are other when acting as a therapist. I don't think clients can be mean to therapists or hurt them- they set the game up so that they are other - they are not real. I believe if a therapist tells a client the client hurt them - the therapist is acting or lying or needs to go get their own therapist.
I don't see it as whether the therapist allows or does not allow something - I would not hire one who thought in allowing or not allowing anything. But I also would not hire one who thought they were in a position to tell me how and what I could express anything.

I don't tend to take my anger out on people. Generally, if I am so angry that I want to lash out, it really isn't about that person, it is about my own stuff; therefore, it would seem wrong of me to take my own stuff out on another person, even a therapist. And when my anger really is because of something someone has directly done or said to me, I am a talker not a fighter. It's just not my nature to yell at people, call them names, attack their character, etc. Right or wrong. That's who I am.

However, my therapist would have had no problem with me discussing problems in our therapy or relationship so long as it was a conversation, not an attack. We had many such conversations which were productive and resulted in positive outcomes for my therapy. I think because he was so open to those kinds of frank discussions, problems about my therapy never rose to the level of serious conflict or rupture.

My therapist would have had no problem with me expressing anger about a situation, about my therapy, about him, about my history, about my emotions, about other people not in the room, but he would have drawn the line at speaking to him in a way that would be deliberately and intentionally hurtful and/or abusive. He has a boundary that he does not accept abuse -- a boundary I fully agree with and it serves well as a model for my own boundaries. I learned a great deal about healthy, proactive boundaries from him. If I had deliberately been abusive toward him, he would have stopped me, expressed his boundary without anger - simply as a matter of fact --, and would have insisted we talk about why I was lashing out and what was really going on there. I think knowing that the conversation was welcomed, inevitable, and not judged negatively helped me be able to express my feelings in the form of true dialogue and in the spirit of resolution.

R taught me that negative feelings are not always bad and I think the hallmark of a real T is accepting the good with the bad. I used to never show negative emotions even with my best friends and he remarked once at the start that when I had the opportunity to tell him that I was angry with him I didn't.

He always handled it well and he let me rage and get it all out.I didn't stamp around his office or throw things around or raise my voice, but I was mean. I have told him that i hated him, and sent him angry emails. And done all of the last three things because I felt safe enough to do so.

I don't usually have issues being assertive when necessary so did not have a need to express raw anger to a T that I could not vent anywhere else. But I told one of mine many critical things, both in person and via email. I personally prefer to be direct and express what exactly I am angry about instead of just putting feelings into words. For example, I told my first T that he was unprofessional, manipulative, projecting things onto me that had nothing to do with me, and that it is unacceptable that he couldn't fill a simple insurance form properly multiple times and can't keep track of my in-advance cancellations that were clearly made in writing. I usually find this type of expression more useful with anyone when there are repetitive issues, simply saying that I am angry or hate them is not so productive IMO. I also personally would not say that I hate them to anyone or swear at them, that's beyond what I consider acceptable communication on my end. But apparently many people find it helpful to be able to say such things. My incompetent therapist always preaches how a T should be able take anger from a client but he could definitely not handle my criticisms well. He often reacted very emotionally, more like a hurt kid than a civil adult, and it really shocked me at first as I had never seen similar from other people. Kinda roles reversed, but I think it was really inappropriate from a T. I speculated that he perhaps reacted so strongly because I very directly expressed real things about his incompetency, not just some transference type anger that he is probably more used to. But I think it is acceptable to express dissatisfaction with a service I am paying high $ for. I was never angry (or otherwise negative) with my second T, he did not do anything to make me feel that way, just concluded in the end that therapy was not useful so I left.

I never expressed anger in therapy with my former T. Nor have I with this T. Mostly because I haven't been angry. I was baffled once when former T was angry with me. I couldn't understand why. I think I grew up with the expectation that I wasn't allowed to express angry or negative feelings (hmmm, probably part of why I SH) so doing so, even in therapy seems taboo.

Curious, receptive and accepting of me and/or my anger.

No, as hate is a strong word and I do not feel thus. I did not even hate my T from hell.

No. I am not one for yelling or screaming and most certainly would not appreciate, nor tolerate, a T behaving this way towards me either.

Again, accusation is a strong, rather inflammatory, word. I have not accused T but have told them that what they said was hurtful. This led to a fruitful discussion.

I believe in respectful communication from both parties. I don't condone screaming matches or disrespect. There is a way to convey information - both from T to me and vice versa - that is both respectful and kind. This is what is most effective for me.

This is all really interesting and helpful!

My anger towards my therapist came out in really passive-aggressive ways. Silence, refusing to share things and the like. Aside from the final explosion, our conflicts were back and forths in sarcastic and condescending tones. Childish, I guess.

My anger points were almost always about things that happened in therapy vs character attacks. Many incidents I was upset about would fit on internet 'red flag' signs of a bad therapist lists. Low likelihood of being transference based, which I think went over much worse than if it was “old stuff” resurfacing.

There’s a gap in what I hoped for vs how things played out in my own sessions around anger. I would have loved to have a therapist to just let it out with. I’m sure they exist. Unfortunately such characteristics aren’t disclosed a head of time so there’s no way to tell how anger is received until you’re ‘in it’.

It's certainly okay to express negative emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, fear, shame... all of these should happen in some sort of way that is not so intense that it gets out of control.

I've never been so angry with my T that I could have even come close to physically harm him. If I ever felt that way, I might express that I feel that way but not I'd never act out on it (and I don't think my T would push me far enough to feel like that either). It's okay to raise your voice and express your anger. But it should be respectful, not personally insult the therapist.

As for other negative emotions, for example sadness, I once felt so desperate that I curled up on the floor. My T wasn't comfortable with that and told me, but it's not like that was the end of the world, I just sat a slight bit differently.

I have never accused my T of intentionally hurting me. Sometimes he messes up and hurts me, but not in a mean, harmful way. Early on I once told him I felt he wouldn't care because I'm paying him, but I don't think so anymore.

I don't think there are many people, even among Ts, who tolerate overt anger targeted to them very well, especially if it is frequent. It is just not normal for humans to sit calmly like a saint while someone is bombarding them with rudeness and I do not believe a therapist should either. But they should be open to hearing the client's criticisms, doubts, and generally negative feelings. What is talk therapy for if negative feelings cannot be brought up? I believe it should also be a good place to try out expressing negative feelings in different ways that is often not possible in everyday life.

This is very true. Probably why my angry fantasies are just that. Back in reality, I'd feel like a terrible human being

Shame there isn't a YouTube channel of people yelling at their resilient therapists. Would be nice to live vicariously.

What do you believe are appropriate expressions of feelings and emotions in therapy?
I think, as long as it doesn't resort to violence or serious crossing of lines, most things are fair game.

What are your therapist’s boundaries? I am particularly interested in the negatives.
*sigh* I don't know. The boundaries are where I struggle. I know mine are more rigid but I don't know where T's are.

How does or would your therapist respond to expressing anger towards them?
T responds with excitement. I do not show anger often so if I am willing to express it in a session, it's a big deal.

Have or could you tell your therapist you hate them?
I tell T this often, but we both know I don't mean it.

Is raising your voice in session acceptable?
Absolutely.

Do they allow angry phone calls between sessions? Angry emails?
Iffy on the phone calls but definitely the emails are ok.

Have you ever accused your therapist of hurting you? Or not caring? Or not being competent? Could you?
I have talked to T about mishandling a session and how that hurt me, it was a hard conversation but one that ended up being incredibly productive. The not caring thing comes up often, T insists that it would be impossible to do that job and spend that much time with a person on such a personal lever without caring.... I am less sure about this.

How does or would your therapist respond to expressing anger towards them?
He usually thanks me for telling him. He doesn't get angry, he expresses that he's sorry that I was hurt by something, and if he's done something wrong he'll apologize for that and accept responsibility (sometimes I'm angry and completely aware of the fact that it's irrational and he has nothing to apologize for)
The way he completely mishandled terminating was the source of a great deal of hurt for me and I've been angry about it a lot. Like he really ****ed that up. He acknowledges that he ****ed up. Even almost a year later I still get angry about it again, and he gives me space to be angry and I never have to worry that he'll retaliate.
A while back I wrote an angry journal/letter to him that I brought to a session. I prefaced it with all kinds of disclaimers, that it was angry and parts of it were written to be intentionally hurtful out of anger, and so I felt like I "shouldn't" let him read it. But, on the other hand, those feelings were affecting therapy and how I felt, and thus I felt that I "should" share them. After I finished rambling, having overthought this by like several meta levels and been unable to come to a decision, he said he would want me to share it and said "how about you be responsible for your own emotions and feelings, and I'll be responsible for mine," basically wanting me to trust that he could handle it.
He thanked me for sharing it, said he wanted me to tell him when I'm angry, accepted responsibility for the things he did wrong, acknowledged my hurt, etc.
Oh, and early before the disclaimer when I first told him I was angry he requested that I look at him during that conversation. I think he was glad to hear me finally allow myself to admit I was angry about something.
I wrote about the session on here, but it's quite long and not really that interesting

Have or could you tell your therapist you hate them?
Nope. But that's not about him. I've never told anyone that I hate them out of anger, and it's actually something that I resolved to never do when I was quite young.

Is raising your voice in session acceptable?
To some degree, but not screaming. I also think dynamics matter. I'm a 5'5" woman who is pretty much as non physically intimidating as possible. If it were reversed it would be a different.

Do they allow angry phone calls between sessions? Angry emails?
Nope. Communication between sessions is only for practical matters, scheduling and insurance stuff, so it's not about the anger.

Have you ever accused your therapist of hurting you? Or not caring? Or not being competent? Could you?
Of hurting me, yes, and it was true and completely warranted. If I'm hurt but he hasn't done anything wrong then I'll explain that.
Of not caring, yes. But it's not really something I say while angry, it's usually explaining the thoughts I'd been having at some previous point in time when it felt much more believable.
I've said he made the wrong decision about something and even gone so far as to say it was irresponsible and he should have known better, but it's only been about specific things he did, not generalized about him as a person.

Thank you for sharing this.

I get a cathartic feeling just reading what you’ve posted. This is so devoid of any judgment or shame, and epitomizes a rupture that is managed in a mature and healing way. Even though hurtful mistakes were made on his end, he accepted that he hurt you and put your feelings first. I teared up when you described how he wanted you to look at him as you confronted him - it is such a beautiful and accepting gesture. The nonjudgmental way you word and describe this experience and your views on anger in general shows the impact that his approach had on you. I can’t help but reflect on my own experience and many of the other painful “therapy gone wrong” stories and think that a rupture repair like this would have made all the difference.

I wish all therapists could realize that this is where the real healing happens. I reflect back in horror on so many awful, confrontational sessions spent looking at my shoes to avoid my therapist’s dominating glares. Defensiveness, shaming, blaming, invalidating and going punitive with disagreements is a cancer that destroys both the therapy and the client.

Thank you again for confirming what my EMDR therapist observed with such a touching example.

My therapists had no tolerance for disagreement, much less expressions of anger. Everyone in group therapy clearly seemed stifled and intimidated by the authoritarian co-therapists.

1. How does or would your therapist respond to expressing anger towards them?

Really well, as he does respond to all emotional content, but I think he is particularly skilled at the negative emotions of distress, annoyance (probably more typical for me than anger), frustration (mostly at myself). He doesn't get defensive when I'm angry or annoyed at him. He both understands how and why I'm angry, while also not colluding in my negative interpretations of him or his motives. It's okay for me to be angry and it's okay for him to point out that the underlying reasons may not always be perfectly accurate. He explains it really well, has a lot of patience, and makes sure there is time and space for me to say everything there is to say. The deeper I can travel to make sense of it, the more he is there for me. If I just stay on the surface and emote, there's not really much he can respond to.

2. Have or could you tell your therapist you hate them?

No and no, because it's not true. I wouldn't pay someone I hated to work with me. I try to be straight about what I think and feel, so I wouldn't say something that was not true. I can't think of a single person I hate, even some who have treated me pretty badly. I guess hate is not my thing.

3. Is raising your voice in session acceptable?

No, because he is in a practice with other people having therapy sessions next door and in the same building. It's a professional building where there are limits on behavior. During one of my sessions another client next door was too loud, not necessarily angry but just a loud talker. They moved him to a session time where there were not other clients nearby.

Also, I am in therapy to help me learn to express my emotions appropriately. I don't see raising my voice to anyone, including my child, acceptable. I would not want to be helped in any way that promoted a sense of entitlement to raise my voice or otherwise communicate in unacceptable ways. I would expect if I raised my voice in therapy, my therapist would tell me to stop it. That I could speak whatever words I needed to, but the tone had to be such that it didn't disturb the people around us or have the potential to escalate. I see no value in being able to raise my voice in therapy.

4. Do they allow angry phone calls between sessions? Angry emails?

I don't email my therapist except for scheduling. I think sending angry emails rather than dealing directly with a person you are angry at is chickensh*t, so I again am not interested in doing that. I don't want to learn how to write angry emails; it doesn't serve the reasons why I am in therapy.

I've had a couple of crisis sessions on the phone where anger (not at him) was part of the deal, not a problem.

5. Have you ever accused your therapist of hurting you? Or not caring? Or not being competent? Could you?

I don't think I've used any of those words. My complaints have been more in the line of "you've gotten it wrong" or "this thing you said was wrong." I think I have expressed hurt at what was said or did without using the word. I'm sure I could, I think it just wasn't the most precise word to use at the time. My therapist has responded that "you seem really dissatisfied," and I have liked the way he put that.

I know my therapist cares about me, so no. I know my therapist is competent-- makes mistakes, but is very good and skilled at working with me. After nearly 10 years, those things are very well settled.

Outside of your questions, I think the thing that has been most helpful to me is observing the connection between my negative emotions, especially about him, and what he does and says in response. Because he's so good at what I think is called "holding the space," even when I am all wound up in anger, the chill of the emotional environment in therapy allows me some distance from what can feel like overwhelming feelings. So I can observe, a little like an anthropologist of myself, how what I say and do has an impact on someone. Kind of in a "pure" way, because his own stuff isn't in the space, and he doesn't have a stake in the outcome, as compared to a conflict with my spouse or friend or mother or any other person. I've learned that I come on really strong even when I think I'm kind of dialed back, and I've learned to be more gentle, which opens things up for a deeper dialog and greater understanding. Not only does he understand me better, but I understand myself better. For me, learning to modulate my expression of negative emotions has been very helpful. It has been helpful for me to look at how I express negative emotions, as these typically have big impacts on people, and modulate them to achieve what I'm after in the interaction.

This might sound weirdly defensive, but that's not because of him or anything he did. That's how I've always been. I've always been able to see the other side, to see others' perspectives and good intentions even when I'm hurt, to a fault sometimes.
The impact he did have was in allowing me to be angry without reacting badly. Like you said in your original post, the idea of permission to be angry and having things still be okay. Reassurance that it was okay because it was not my responsibility to protect/manage his feelings, and reassurance that it was okay to be angry even though I understood that his intentions had been good. In some ways I have always felt like it is unfair, irrational, and unhelpful for me to feel anger in situations like that, and that it's something I need to make myself stop feeling.
There have been a few other times I've expressed anger, including over things that I know are completely irrational, like getting angry about him caring about me or wanting me to be kind to myself, and he encourages me to talk about it and makes it safe to do so... it's like anger isn't bad and he's non judgmental and not trying to tell me why I shouldn't feel angry (though obviously taking it out on someone else is not okay, and therapy is a unique situation in which very different rules/obligations apply)
It's not just that my anger won't result in him getting angry at me, it's also that he can handle it without getting hurt in a way that will make me feel guilty; he doesn't need me to protect him. That was not an experience I had with either of my parents.

I'm sorry you didn't get that closure. Have you written an anger letter or otherwise journaled about it?

I would love to write a letter and would want to physically send it, but haven’t been able to go there yet. It’s a lot to parse through.

Confrontation aside, I really do believe she cared a lot about me. We had years of meaningful sessions (almost a decade’s worth). I was hopelessly attached to her and thought I loved her. I never had a mother figure, so her face is who I see when I think of ‘mom’ - even now. Ultimately I never felt she accepted me for me, and the caring wasn’t enough to compromise on not being given space to just ‘be’. I couldn’t trust myself not to get angry, and couldn’t trust her reactions when I did. Everything was so escalated and so conditional and so painful. Revolving my life around trying to be pleasing was no way to live.

My gauge for being ready to write and then send a letter is when I don’t care if it comes back “return to sender”. I’m not there yet. I do get relief from writing here and reading about other people’s experiences. It restores some of the faith in people that I lost from therapy.