Shame and Memories of T

I am struggling more than usual with shame today, to the point I panic when I think back to what I did (driving by ex T’s house) and the look on her face when she told me she was terminating the following session. I don’t know why it feels this strong all of a sudden, but I wonder if it has to do with not drinking anymore. I remember how close I felt to her and then poof I destroyed it all. I feel like a monster. All I wish is to see her again and not feel like a monster in front of her eyes, but I feel like I’d frighten her.

Yes, these things come up when you stop drinking and they are hard to deal with. I hope you have someone that can help you work through it. Shame is a hard emotion to deal with, one of the most damaging and has no benefits. Out of the 8-12 T’s I have worked with I think I ended up driving by all but two of their houses just out of sheer curiosity. I don’t think it is that abnormal for a client to do. However, most Ts I have worked with have had one or more clients threaten them or do actual harm to them, it is more common than many of us would think. So I can see where a T could be frightened. Unfortunately her reaction really does not seem to allow space for processing even if it did still end in termination and that makes me sad. Like my T often reminds me there are always reasons for our behaviors and therapy should be a safe place to explore those reasons.
I have an exT that thinks I am stalking her because our paths often cross. She is very frightened of me because we terminated in a very painful space.. I would never harm her or her family but sadly she does not know that and no level of explaining will fix it. The fear is hers. I too wish we could sit down and talk about what happened but I know I will not be given that opportunity and it sucks.
The best I ca offer is my true hope that you have someone to process this with and other things that come up as you continue to succeed in your sobriety.

I know I’ve already shared my thoughts on what happened to you and on your therapist’s role in this, so I won’t repeat.

I did want to add that self-compassion is an incredibly hard skill to learn, but will be key in healing this as well your past shames. You seem to be viewing yourself in the worst possible light and through the eyes of your therapist’s own fears and fear-based reactions. You meant NO HARM to anybody and are not monstrous. For what it’s worth I view the actions you describe as coming from a place of pain, longing, and curiosity. I feel heart broken and sad that the consequences of your pain-driven actions caused you more pain and the loss of someone very important to you. I hope that in time you can give yourself the same compassion that a total stranger does.

I also agree with everything Omers said.

I hope you can find someone to process this with you if you haven’t already.

I never thought you did something bad or terrible, and nothing to warrant termination . I am very sorry.

Drinking for many people, sounds like it may be true for you, numbs you out so you don't feel what's painful in your life. Stop drinking, and the painfulness of events and experiences comes back. Coping with drinking can be an excellent short term strategy to get some distance from the pain, but of course not dealing with the pain and whatever preceded it will always come back around and kick you in the teeth. It is hard.

Does the distinction between guilt (for something you did) and shame (for something you are) help you in any way? I think you can clearly put this in the guilt column, not the shame column. There is no fundamental flaw in your personhood that caused you to drive by her house; it means nothing about the kind of person you are or even the kind of client you are. Actions have consequences, people have reactions to what we say and do and none of it is under our control. And IIRC you have seen her since then, because you are or were seeing a dietician at her practice, and she didn run away screaming "911" when she saw you.

It seems to me that the grief and loss of that relationship is bound to continue to have its effects on you, because grief and loss are big. Shame is big too, and pretty sticky, but it may serve to protect you from the terrible loss you feel. For me peeling back the shame left another wound exposed and raw. For now, shame may be your friend.

I also think self compassion is appropriate here. However you want to define your part in what ended your therapy, giving yourself a break from being perfect and human is always appropriate. Understanding why you'd make such a choice and taking ownership of it, in my experience, helps in this endeavor. If you're someone who tries to do the right thing in your life, it can be tough to acknowledge a situation where that didn't happen. Doesn't mean you're not a good person. Saddle up and get working on the next right thing. Like keeping your sobriety (congratulations, well done!).

There are podcasts and books on the idea of limerance- very single minded love. There's even a psychiatrist who suffers from it and runs a self help group. I haven't looked into it deeply, but I heard a fetching and vulnerable podcast by a therapist who wrote a book on how she temporarily lost her mind and obsessed over this guy.

Hugs, it very likely that you numb out all these emotions when you where drinking.Self compassion is something that others have said in this thread will help you. What your ex-t did was not right, im so sorry it hurts you so much hugs