How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again) - Page 2 - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 04-25-2019, 07:11 PM #11
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

I understand. I have really struggled for over ten years to put my ex T that i loved behind me.
I still dream about talking to her. I still always keep a close watch whenever I am in the city she works in.... just in case. I still dream of asking her ďwhat did I do wrong? why did you dump me?ĒIt is hard to think of her as part of my past but I have to force myself to realize that. It has been over 11 years since she suddenly dumped me out of nowhere. But she is not completely behind me yet.
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Old 04-25-2019, 09:22 PM #12
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

I don't know your story. I don't know why things ended for you or if your t told you maybe someday you can see them again but I do know... I'm in a similar situation.

For me, he quit the industry. He told me I'm allowed to reach out in 2 yrs. However i dont even live on hope there. The grief has been awful and one thing i realized is, if i do ever try to reach out, mentally i have to be in a place where i can handle possible rejection.

Right now I'm not. I'd say maybe try for that. I look at it like if you are in a good state of mind, it wont be awful if it never happens but a blessing if it does

Try to work on the grief aspect right now. Don't give up hope per say but try to focus on you and getting better. Take each day as it comes and see what your future holds
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Old 04-25-2019, 11:39 PM #13
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

It's been 25 years literally to the week since my therapist who adopted me into her family abruptly severed our relationship. I can say, 25 years later, it finally doesn't hurt. I don't long for the "mommy" she was to me for 4 years. I don't long for her family I was brought into anymore. Instead I look back on what she did to me and how she devastated the course of my life, with rage. The first therapist I had after having been dumped and long-term hospitalized encouraged me to sue my old therapist. She said I deserved compensation. I loved too much. I hurt too much to do it then. It would have destroyed me to try. It took several very patient therapists, a saint of a psychiatrist, an ocean of tears, countless PTSD episode treatments, and many hospitalizations, but I have finally arrived. I told my current therapist I was ready now to sue her. Unfortunately, the statutes of limitations has expired. So, I was encouraged to write her a letter as if she was being indicted for ethics code violations. Then I told her I wanted us to meet with my current therapist as judge, and sent it registered mail. She got my letter. I never heard from her. I'm ok though. I hit her hard. I wrote the letter point by point on how she violated each of the ethics codes that she was legally obligated to strictly observe to keep her license. I'm sure I scared her. I didn't feel the least bit of compassion. She never paid a price for what she did to me but I'm sure my indictment gave her some queasy moments.

My point in writing all this is to encourage you to just keep taking baby steps (that's how my psychiatrist described the process). Rely on your therapist and your psychiatrist. Yes, it took me a long time, but I got there. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in therapy, but I did it. My secret, I let myself be helped. I let myself trust again. I let myself bond again.

If you can make the switch in your mind from hope about seeing your ex T to hope for the moment you are free of your ex T, that might be a place to start. Ask for help from your current T and your psychiatrist then accept their help. Baby steps.

Keep posting. You aren't alone.

Last edited by sheltiemom2007; 04-26-2019 at 12:18 AM.
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Old 04-26-2019, 12:47 AM #14
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheltiemom2007 View Post
It's been 25 years literally to the week since my therapist who adopted me into her family abruptly severed our relationship. I can say, 25 years later, it finally doesn't hurt. I don't long for the "mommy" she was to me for 4 years. I don't long for her family I was brought into anymore. Instead I look back on what she did to me and how she devastated the course of my life, with rage. The first therapist I had after having been dumped and long-term hospitalized encouraged me to sue my old therapist. She said I deserved compensation. I loved too much. I hurt too much to do it then. It would have destroyed me to try. It took several very patient therapists, a saint of a psychiatrist, an ocean of tears, countless PTSD episode treatments, and many hospitalizations, but I have finally arrived. I told my current therapist I was ready now to sue her. Unfortunately, the statutes of limitations has expired. So, I was encouraged to write her a letter as if she was being indicted for ethics code violations. Then I told her I wanted us to meet with my current therapist as judge, and sent it registered mail. She got my letter. I never heard from her. I'm ok though. I hit her hard. I wrote the letter point by point on how she violated each of the ethics codes that she was legally obligated to strictly observe to keep her license. I'm sure I scared her. I didn't feel the least bit of compassion. She never paid a price for what she did to me but I'm sure my indictment gave her some queasy moments.

My point in writing all this is to encourage you to just keep taking baby steps (that's how my psychiatrist described the process). Rely on your therapist and your psychiatrist. Yes, it took me a long time, but I got there. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in therapy, but I did it. My secret, I let myself be helped. I let myself trust again. I let myself bond again.

If you can make the switch in your mind from hope about seeing your ex T to hope for the moment you are free of your ex T, that might be a place to start. Ask for help from your current T and your psychiatrist then accept their help. Baby steps.

Keep posting. You aren't alone.
Wow, Iím so sorry you went through that. I can only imagine how difficult it was to lose the intimacy your ex T fostered. Thank you for sharing that with me. I want so badly to free myself, but I donít think I ever want to be angry with her. I do feel like my situation is less black and white as yours (as in my I canít really point to any specific ethic codes as her treatment was very subjective). Deep down, I want to free myself, but the idea of telling myself that it will NEVER happen is unbearable. I think I just have so much disbelief that I will ever truly be happy and anxiety that I will never feel that type of connection and intimacy with anyone ever again, that I hope Iíll see her just for the sake of having someone. I know all of this sounds very contradictory and my thinking/motives are not grounded right now, but Iím just being honest. I donít want to let her go because I donít want to let go of the potential of ever feeling that same electric, passionate, vulnerable, love that I felt for her. Logically, I know that is going to be my worst downfall... but somehow, the ďfeelingĒ would be worth it.
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Old 04-26-2019, 12:59 AM #15
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
I think if you were in a healthy/solid place, seeing your ex therapist again would no longer be important to you. She would be irrelevant to your life. That is what I honestly think.
I see what you are saying and lots have people have told me that. I honestly donít know for sure whether it will still be important to me. Perhaps, with more objectivity of the relationship/situation, I wonít want to see her again. Perhaps I will never feel confident in myself to be okay with seeing her and be worried that Iíd fall right back into obsessiveness again.

However, right now, I think I will always want to see her again. She knew me from the inside out and I felt a level of intimacy with her that I have never felt with anyone. We worked so close, so hard, and a genuine bond developed that I think will always be there. My hunch is that I will always want to see her and be able to have a normal positive conversation simply for the sake of closure. I know that deep down, that should come from within me regardless of whether she is willing to be a part of it or not. If it comes down to it, maybe I will have to accept I may not got the closure I had hoped for. However, it would be very meaningful to me if she was open to being a part of it because I will always deeply care about her and treasure the connection we had. I just wish I didnít have to look back on our last interaction with memories of me being totally disregulated, in shock, angry, devestated, traumatized, etc. I am not saying that I donít deserve to feel that way or that sheís responsible for alleviating those feelings. I just think that if it was possible, if she was open to it, it would mean so much to me and would of course help me in moving on.
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Old 04-26-2019, 01:01 AM #16
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

How to let go? I'm afraid that time is the only true healer in this situation. It's still too fresh and probably it could have been a tiny bit easier for you if you would have gotten some closure. Although it probably would not have helped much if when looking into this termination from your point of view, it's hard to make sense of that. It's not that I think the therapist necessarily did anything wrong when her sense of being invaded was so strong but just that for any termination that comes suddenly and where you are completely powerless and have no position to re-negotiate the relationship it might be very hard for people to start to make sense of it.

I believe the hope to see her also diminishes with time. I don't know any way how to just get rid of such hope. Who knows how long it will take but I don't think it's never going to happen. Every day brings you a step closer to the situation where you will be free from this jumble.
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Old 04-26-2019, 07:04 AM #17
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

I was thinking that there may be another way to look at hope that isnít so black/white.

There was a point during my tumultuous termination with my therapist that I thought it would be feasible to see her in the future, out of the office, and separate from the therapist/client hierarchy that felt so painful and obsessive to me. I planned in my mind the details of the coffee and lunch meetings we would have, and for a while I held on to the expectation that these meetings were really going to happen. I envisioned us coming together as two equals and sharing what was going on in our lives... with her face lit up with pride on what I was doing with my life. The thought made me happy and I didnít see any reason to challenge my plans. Over time, I started to understand and accept that my therapist wasnít willing to do this with me Ė but the mental picture of our coffee and lunches didnít evaporate. After everything thatís happened between us, thereís still a place in my mind where I talk to her over coffee and sheís still proud of me. Itís safe and very separate from the reality of what really happened between us Ė without all the obsession, longing, disappointment and frustration.

Another member (apologies for not recalling who) posted about thinking about termination and coping with loss as Ďpackingí. Choosing the very best memories to put in a mental suitcase and leaving the rest behind. Maybe itís a matter of picking through the very best memories of your therapist and setting aside a place in your mind and heart to feel safe with those memories.

Reality and the grip your therapist still holds on your life need to be dealt with, 100% Ė in your own time. Nobody can rush you. However, holding space for the best parts of your therapist within you isn't a bad thing.

Last edited by PurpleMirrors3; 04-26-2019 at 08:53 AM.
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Old 04-26-2019, 07:53 AM #18
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

Quote:
Originally Posted by justbreathe1994 View Post
She knew me from the inside out and I felt a level of intimacy with her that I have never felt with anyone. We worked so close, so hard, and a genuine bond developed that I think will always be there.
I think a really big part of you getting better will be forming intimate relationships in real life. When you have those, you will not be tempted to reach back into the past to the relationship with this therapist. That is what I mean when I say she will be irrelevant to your life.
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Old 04-26-2019, 03:18 PM #19
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Default Re: How to Let Go of Hope (in regards to ever seeing ex T again)

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Another member (apologies for not recalling who) posted about thinking about termination and coping with loss as Ďpackingí. Choosing the very best memories to put in a mental suitcase and leaving the rest behind. Maybe itís a matter of picking through the very best memories of your therapist and setting aside a place in your mind and heart to feel safe with those memories.
Ha, that was me.

One other thing that has helped has been the idea of creating my own space away from my former therapist, rather than hoping to re-enter his. A lot of the hurt came from being pushed out of 'his' space -- I was denied a final session and my very fair Google reviews on his business page were deleted and immediately replaced with positive ones by who I think is his supervisor (which strikes me as completely disingenuous).

So I took out a WordPress blog that has only one very long, detailed post of everything that happened in my therapy -- the excellent early sessions, the crappy final ones where he completely failed. I shut off the comments so he couldn't respond and enter MY space. That blog comes up as one of the first hits when you search his name.

It stops the anger I felt that my therapist could simply cut me off and just move on. Because now he can't -- he can push me away, but he can't tear down the space I've made without him. Anyone doing their due diligence can read it, and while I don't think it would discourage many people from seeing him (it's a very fair post), it allowed me to take back some of the power I'd lost. I know there may well be the odd person who might not see him, or can spot the signs when it's time to get out earlier.

I don't know if any of that would help you. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking of when she pushed you out, and what it would be like to be back with her. What if you set up your own space (online or mentally) that she would probably want some control over, but can't enter?

I'm sorry you're still struggling.
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