Have you ever asked your T for a hug?

My T is a trauma specialist (if that's a good way to put it). My take on physical contact with her is that it's very important that it only happen after direct communication, and a yes. One time, she wanted to go over some paperwork with me and even asked if it was ok that she sit on the couch next to be rather than just coming over and doing it. The times we have hugged, it has been at my request only. She's never said no.
There are days when I really want the physical contact and others where I might break something if anyone touched me at all. I startle very easily if I'm touched without expecting it. I've never expressed anything about it to her, but I think she just knows that in my case, all physical contact needs to be on my terms at least for now.
So I think the disorders of the client can be a real driver on this topic sometimes. In my case, getting to the point of being ok with a hug from someone I trust without them feeling like they must check in first would be such a wonderful accomplshment for me. This is an example where I think hugging could actually be part of the therapeutic process.
I appreciate my Ts unspoken understanding on this matter because although I can write about it in an online form as an anonymous person, it's not something I feel safe discussing in the room yet.

No I have never asked my t for a big. He in general is not a big fan of touch in therapy. But I am not sure if that means he has never hugged a client before. My son’s t on the other hand asked me just last week if I wanted a hug. I declined, but it was the first time a t has offered a hug to me.

Current T, no.
I think he would say no, and I think that would be for the best for me in our relationship at this point in time.

The idea of asking and being told no feels humiliating.
I've pretty much expressed (almost completely in writing, not spoken) a desire for physical contact, including to "be held" by him. That took a very long time to communicate.
I have always made it clear that it is not a request. I'm communicating about the feelings because of how I feel about having them.
I judge myself quite harshly for wanting these things, he thinks they're understandable and human and not shameful or bad.

He also knows that I've had therapists who did not maintain appropriate boundaries in the past, and so that it's really important to me that he takes that responsibility seriously. It wasn't a question of nefarious intent with past Ts, it was more about a lack of self awareness with countertransference and not holding themselves responsible for being the professional in the room.

So even if I asked, I think on some level I'd be hurt and upset if he said yes. It's not that I think that no T should ever give hugs. But I need to trust that my T is thinking through these things with my best interests in mind, not just giving me what I want, and with my history this is a very loaded issue.

I would kind of like to know that he doesn't find the idea disgusting. I feel untouchable and unlovable and bad, and it would be nice to know that he doesn't recoil in horror at the thought.

My first T said no when I finally mustered up the courage to ask (after years and after hints from her). It was devastating to me. I know she wouldn’t agree, but it was a big mistake on her part, the beginning of the end for us.

My therapist is so anti hug, it is hard to overstate. Even his supervisees would be in big trouble for breeching this aspect of the frame as he understands it.

That must have felt awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

For along time, I thought ex-T (who I saw for 6 years) just didn't hug clients. That came up at one point a few years in, and she said she did hug some clients. I was eventually able to ask why she didn't hug me, and she said because I had some maternal transference. Which felt like I was being punished for it...Then around, say, 4 years or so, she started touching me on the arm or shoulder when I left. Then offered me a hug right before the holidays. Then offered me hugs a couple other times when I was really upset. I asked for one a couple times, too, and she gave me one. But it felt complicated because it wasn't every session, and I was afraid of asking for them too often.


With current T, he told me from the start that he doesn't hug, but does shake hands if a client wants to. So we shake hands at the end of each session, and I'm good with that. It's a fairly warm handshake, doesn't feel overly businesslike. Ex-marriage counselor also used to shake hands after session (and at one point, before session), and I liked that as well. I think it's likely for the best that I don't (didn't) hug them. The handshake seems like a good middle ground between no touch at all and hugs (or other touch during session).


If you're concerned about asking your T directly if she's willing to give you a hug, maybe just try asking what her general policy is on touch with clients? You could even say it came up in a forum you're in (you don't have to say you brought it up).

I have no desire for a hug from him, thankfully, because I’m pretty sure he’d say no. But first he’d ask why and what I was hoping to get from it, and then what it felt like not to get it.

I don't like being touched in general so it took me years before I wanted a hug and another few months before I worked up the courage to ask. Now we hug every session. I feel as though it helps pull me back to reality when I am all screwed up from my session.

Why is he so anti hug?

I’ve had 3 main Ts in my adult life and they’ve all allowed hugs, which I appreciated. Current T does somatic trauma work and is trained in therapeutic touch techniques in addition to typical psychotherapy techniques. It’s pretty powerful and I’m thankful for the opportunity to experience it. Safe, boundaried, consenting, intentional touch is a regular part of most of our sessions.

I’ve had two different psychologists and a psychiatrist. I know to ask for a hug from my psychologists and they have let me hug them/they hug back.

I do know one of them prefers not to hug, as he said he’s not a touchy-feely guy, but he still lets me hug him on occasion.

My psychiatrist, she’s a little more distant & professional, I guess. I think I hugged her once or twice.

I’m sure the therapists know to ask if they can approach people or sit next to people, as it’s respectful of a person’s space. It’s probably something they are trained to do. It’s to ensure there are no boundaries crossed. I assume they do it to protect themselves (liability) but also to model to their client/patient about boundaries.

I always ask anyone I want to hug if they want to first, even my husband. lol He might be busy doing something, or deep in thought, and I’d feel badly if I interrupted or startled him! lol

*edited autocorrect*
- My therapist is “not touchy-FEELY” not “not touchy-geeky!” lol

I've brought it up before but it's not something he believes in.

Former T hugged me occasionally after a few years. She asked originally and I said no, and then at some point later on, either she asked again, or I asked and from then on if I asked, I would get a hug. It wasn't a very common thing. Just a now and then thing.


That's the only T out of all the T's that I've seen (4 total) that I've hugged.

I have hugged both Ts but I have never been the one to ask. During a particularly difficult time, T asked if she could give me a hug I said please do. She asked for the next few appointments and I responded the same way. Then we started hugging after every appointment.

Ine evening at the end of an appointment with Emdr she said something about how since we discussed it at the last appointment stand she have me a hug. It was strange and awkward because we never discussed it. I am pretty sure I was very tense and rigid. In my mind I kept thinking that wer did not discuss it so who had she talked to. It was nice getting a hug but threw me off. I was also afraid of being to attached and needi g or wanting a hug and then losing her. It was shortly after Ts death. Then last month I gave her a thank you card that she read at the end of the appointment. When we got u to leave she asked for a hug. It was nice. Kinds of want more frequent hugs but still afraid

YouTube

I showed my T this video today and she asked me which one I wanted. I didn’t answer. Not sure if she was offering.

All of my T’s have given hugs at the end of the session if requested. One Pdoc would give a hug at the end of the session... Awesome Pdoc will give as many hugs as I want in the time we have so long as we get our work done. I *think* current T would give hugs whenever I asked but I have not been brave enough to ask other than at the end of session.
For me it has always been a positive thing even with the T I feel was abusive/harmful to me.
Current T noticed that I still stiffen and stop breathing when we hug so he first asked if it would be OK if we did a little longer hug... at which point I took a deep breath and melted. It is totally shifting how he is working with me now. I told him when we started I am very afraid of men so he has always been very cautious and sensitive. But he has learned that now that he has proven himself as safe hugs and touch are very useful therapeutic tools... BUT... even though they are therapeutic they are still 100% genuine and not to achieve some motive other than help me be comfortable.