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Omers
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Default Apr 30, 2019 at 10:10 PM
  #1
I know this must sound like a crazy question but... we have only been working together since December. There have been a few things he has asked me to do and has gotten slight resistance but I have not done anything to push him away... and he seems to be waiting for me to at least try or to get angry or something. I know I got angry with MT and with DT and pushed them away. I don’t think .i ever pushed ST away and PT never got close enough to be pushed away.
Right now I am feeling super anxious because he is gently asking for more trust and more trust = more attachment and I don’t want that. I’m scared but I don’t want to push him away... ideally I would like to sit up against his legs with my back to him... maybe I just have spent too long around cats? I want to curl up next to you but do NOT acknowledge me to touch me (physically or emotionally)... don’t even look for that matter. But what ever you do DO NOT go away.

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Default Apr 30, 2019 at 10:42 PM
  #2
I never pushed my therapists away. I don't think it is inevitable and certainly not necessary. Attachment isn't necessarily dangerous or even overwhelming; sometimes attachment is healthy and supportive and comforting. That's okay. There's is a tendency to pathologize attachment because it isn't secure for so many people here, but healthy attachment is a healthy thing.
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Default May 01, 2019 at 03:01 AM
  #3
I think it depends alot on attachment style. You might be avoidant like me

I tried to push long term t away about 8 months in when I knew the feelings were strong and it scared me. However I decided to plow through it anyway. It lead to a huge rupture but we got through

I never did with baby t. I truly didn't care at all about anything related to him. That was amazing

T3. I felt the urge strongly after the second session. In this case not attachment related at all. He just scared me in the sense that he envoked emotions in me quickly and intensely. Also he reminds me in small ways of t. My mind I think is taking my anger on t out on him. I'm not worried about attachment here for several reasons. I'm more worried my intense emotions will overwhelm me and I'll quit. He knows I feel this way though

I think it's common to feel this way and ok to talk about. Most ts wont turn it into a rupture. my t had his own feelings that factored into that.

Attachment sucks for sure but just try not to let it overtake you. The key thing is setting your own boundaries and limits.

Good luck

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Default May 01, 2019 at 04:44 AM
  #4
I push him away when I fear being hurt by him.
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Default May 01, 2019 at 05:10 AM
  #5
my T is court ordered so I am not able to detach from my pervy T.
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Default May 01, 2019 at 06:35 AM
  #6
I get that thing about sitting by his feet; I used to long for that pretty profoundly.

Pushing people away is a choice, even if it is reactive. I try to intentionally modulate the distance between us when I feel afraid of being too close. I might stay rooted where I am or take a step or two back, but I don't push away. My T used to model this at the beginning of sessions when I complained his chair was too close to mine. Thereafter he would ask gently if his chair was in an ok place, until I told him to knock it off.

I would check your perceptions that he "wants" you to be angry or anything else. Sounds like mindreading or distorted perceptions. My guess is he wants you to be okay with however you feel and think.
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Default May 01, 2019 at 07:36 AM
  #7
I don't think that trust equals to attachment or that there is necessarily a causal link between the two. I trust many people, many of my colleagues for example, or a doctor I have been seeing for a while. I may or may not like them (even know them very well) on a more personal level but I trust that they are able to fulfill their role in our specific relationship in a satisfying way. I get attached to a very few people, in comparison. So I don't think attachment is necessary for trust, maybe more the other way around, but I do not believe attachment is needed for therapy (or any other kind of help) to be useful. The way I see it: many people perceive their Ts in a much more holistic way than what their roles are, all the projections, transference, whatever we call it can lead to that. And that can turn out as painful because, sooner or later, clients will need to face the reality that the T is not many of those things (and it does not help that many Ts/modalities encourage those unrealistic perceptions/feelings). So, I think it might not be a bad strategy sometimes to control the feelings of attachment if possible (push it away when it turns excessive or overly unrealistic, when it interferes with effective therapy) without rejecting trust. Maybe try to work on separating the two?

I pushed away/left my Ts when I had thought, for a while, that they were no longer useful or there were more negative effects from therapy than positive repeatedly. I also refused "helping efforts" when I thought they were off the mark and not relevant to my situation.
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Default May 01, 2019 at 08:33 AM
  #8
When shame surfaces and when I feel very connected to him.

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Default May 01, 2019 at 09:16 AM
  #9
I would not say I pushed the therapist away as I don't think that possible with their ilk, but I would certainly step back the times they tried to become too familiar.

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Default May 01, 2019 at 03:39 PM
  #10
I’m an expert at this. Therapy has taught me that there are a jillion creative ways to do this and I barely need any reason at all. Today I revealed something that felt vulnerable and now I’m fighting the urge to cancel tomorrow because that’s making me feel exposed which in turn makes me kind of angry at myself. Trying to break this pattern, but it’s hard! Do you think maybe talking about how/why you want to push him away might be helpful?
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Default May 01, 2019 at 04:59 PM
  #11
Actually, I am not wanting to push him away which is what is confusing me... I am getting more and more afraid of him as We go further in our work and I am also finding out more about his credentials that scare me. I am avoidant, a total control freak in relationships and tend to make others feel very connected to me while not feeling any connection to them at all. He is challenging that very directly, gently and ethically but he is also using some of my other defenses/personality quirks in his favor... but he is not pushing or pressuring... which as I read so many posts here is when a lot of people seem to push back (which makes sense in a survival way).
He is wanting to touch something very, very deep which, to me (and to others that have worked with me) feels like a Pandora’s box. IDK it is like I totally trust him to go there I am just not sure I want to be there when he does? He has moved towards this spot several times now and we have had to stop because my anxiety gets to high. He does not want to do any other work until we get through this which makes sense as it interferes with everything. I really think his next suggestion has a chance and I am both very excited and terrified. I *think* I am most likely to cling to him when we get there but it is a time when I read a lot of people pushing their T away. I know his biggest concern from day one has been that I will push him away and not come back.

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