advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 02, 2019 at 07:19 PM
  #21
Quote:
Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
This is great!! I'm so glad you went in, and he was so kind to say he was glad to see you!

You see how not emailing brings progress? Being less dependent on T, you were able to garner the confidence, trust, and capability within yourself to do what you wanted to do. Fears of your Ts reaction did not determine your fate--you did what you wanted to do. Your sense of self has started to solidify already.

The cancellation stuff is just a phase. I wouldn't even worry and just go with it not against it. Seek to understand it, then mastering it will come naturally. What you speak of is related to the beauty of this therapy, about how it changes your structures, how your mind works. This therapy magnifies your conflicting mental processes--these used to be referred to as freud's id, ego, superego, but the concepts still apply to everyone.
  • the instinctual part-fear, impulses, pleasure-seeking, sex, aggression, anger....
  • the superego-the guilt, internalized parents, rules you created for yourself, the internal voices, self-hate, and the punishment
  • your ego, which regulates everything; the part of you that reasons, plans, seeks to achieve and self-actualize etc.

Your mind, through defenses, has been repressing your impulses. Normally that happens because your parents rejected them (i.e. you weren't allowed to be angry or excited). Because your impulses come out in T, such as the angry feelings/aggression, your superego tries to keep you in check and guilts you. It used to bury your impulsive side and try to hide your true feelings. The hardest part is often related to dissolved defenses.

It takes a while, but what happens is your ego changes and starts to regulate all of this. It's just that your superego has dominated for so long, you likely never noticed it. Also because your ego was clouded by defenses. Now those defenses lift, you are left figuring out how to 'be' in the world. It's truly remarkable how your mind can still change after development.

Someday after working through this stuff, your mind will be content more often than not. Until then, all of these mental processes are magnified. Use this opportunity to understand them, to understand yourself and become more whole and balanced. This is a strong benefits of this therapy that is mostly unrelated to the relationship. Your mental structures change so that your ego regulates these mental processes.

Your thought about the punishment was really insightful. Growing up, did your parents reject you for being angry? Or maybe you felt you had to go away? Or if you couldnt make your father happy, you felt bad about yourself? Maybe because you were not accepted unless you were 'good"? Just thoughts..
Thanks for your support and your wonderful explanation as usual. I honestly think you might understand what’s going on even better than my T does. He’s not particularly academic or good at explaining things, but I suppose that’s not exactly what I’m trying to get from him.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 02, 2019 at 07:23 PM
  #22
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post
Your therapist sounds amazing. (Minus the emailing thing, but it seems that he compensates for that in other ways.)

Not all therapists would do that. Mine would have taken me at my word and if I had showed up after cancelling, there would certainly have been another client there. Or I would have discovered a darkened, locked office.
Well since I was paying for the appointment (did not cancel in time) I knew he likely would not have put someone in my time slot. I also just had a strange feeling that he might be there. I would have understood if he wasn’t there, but I am sort of on cloud nine that he was.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous56789
Guest
Anonymous56789 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 02, 2019 at 08:19 PM
  #23
Yeah, they're not supposed to talk about it in technical terms to clients. I just went through everything you are going through so it's fresh in my mind....During my therapy, its been enormously helpful in making these kind of conclusions since this therapy is so incredibly intense.

Wondering now-was your superego part of your emails or not? If your emails were raw, perhaps not.

I love reading your posts. It's amazing how it all unfolds for the first time. Your therapy is such a good one, similar to the best years of my own.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous56789
Guest
Anonymous56789 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 02, 2019 at 08:42 PM
  #24
Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
You risked a lot by turning up to a session which you had cancelled. I am not sure that your therapist has worked in your best long term interests by ignoring your cancellation. There is something about this playing-out which reminds me of your longing for his email responses. When he turned up for the session, he did the equivalent of replying to an email - it feels great! He cares enough to attend (answer the email)! But what about the next time you cancel and attend anyway? What if he isn't there? Or has booked to see another client because he has taken your cancellation seriously? I don't know, it seems messy to me.
Interesting. I see it the opposite way. This T is always there at the scheduled date and time no matter what. The one big difference with other Ts is and this T is not reacting, not playing into lrad's patterns. All this T is doing is remaining in his office at the scheduled day and time. The nonreactiveness is what I think of when I think of a good T.

My T worked similarly. I went through almost the exact same cancellation phase. Except for me, it was as if the person canceling was a separate person from me. I remember cancelling and uncancelling. No drama or real distress, just the actions. I really never figured out what it was, what it even meant, then one day, it stopped happening. I think my Ts consistency helped. And the freedom to just be me enhanced my sense of automony, which also decreased my dependence on T.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 02, 2019 at 08:50 PM
  #25
Quote:
Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
Wondering now-was your superego part of your emails or not? If your emails were raw, perhaps not.
Oh this is an interesting question. My emails definitely evolved, but in general my emails were raw. I would say things that I’d never say in person, so they were very liberating, but also embarrassing once I realized how uncensored and out of control they were. So maybe that’s why I like(d) emailing - because it’s the one place my superego (if I understand correctly) backed off a bit. I have been much more controlled with him in person. Or maybe my emails were just more “young.” However you want to explain it, the emails have allowed me to access parts of myself that are usually quite private.

For whatever reason, I have felt very little desire to email him for about the past 4 weeks or so. Whenever I try to bring that up with my T, sort of telling him how great it is that I’m no longer emailing, his response is that he doesn’t see it that way and my emails are always welcome. So, go figure.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous56789
Guest
Anonymous56789 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 02, 2019 at 09:17 PM
  #26
Yeah, go figure! I don't know what to think of that.
Except that raw part is a repressed part of you that would be great to bring to sessions. I understand you are bringing more in now. I also imagine T can't analyze your superego if it wasn't in emails. It has to be there to be resolved, so it's good that it's coming out.

I loved the raw feelings. It was like experiencing myself for the first time. But there was a lot of sexual stuff too.

I get a little jealous of your T. He's just like mine with one exception-my T wasn't as generous as yours, such as saying all the kind things. He was that way for a short time, then I got intense sexual feelings, so then he quit being as kind. That was years ago. I think we are actually going to revisit that soon. I was actually very angry about that, we had a huge rupture over it.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anne2.0
Grand Magnate
Anne2.0 elephant walks on
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 3,132
10 yr Member
129 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 03, 2019 at 07:53 AM
  #27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
Yeah, it’s hard for me to express how touched I am that he was there just in case I showed up, and that he seemed so genuinely glad that I showed up. He didn’t have to do that.
For me, there is a part of me, the kid who's skeptical anyone can and will really "show up" for her, who casts a suspicious eye on others and watches what they do rather than what they say. I tend to dismiss people who say they will or they want to be there for me.

This would mean a lot to me. Of course I'm sure he could have caught up on his paperwork or done other work if you didn't show. And it was brave of you to take the risk and learn that sometimes risk taking brings benefits in interpersonal relationships. What he did encourages you to continue to take risks in therapy and provides a kind of symbolic security that he'll be there.
Anne2.0 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, Lrad123, susannahsays
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 03, 2019 at 08:33 AM
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
For me, there is a part of me, the kid who's skeptical anyone can and will really "show up" for her, who casts a suspicious eye on others and watches what they do rather than what they say. I tend to dismiss people who say they will or they want to be there for me.

This would mean a lot to me. Of course I'm sure he could have caught up on his paperwork or done other work if you didn't show. And it was brave of you to take the risk and learn that sometimes risk taking brings benefits in interpersonal relationships. What he did encourages you to continue to take risks in therapy and provides a kind of symbolic security that he'll be there.
Yes, I think this is exactly it. I’ve been skeptical all along. I’ve wondered if he’s smart enough, articulate enough or if I should have chosen someone who has published articles or books, etc. I’ve tried to find reasons to leave, but really what has mattered most is the way he behaves. It’s the emotional intelligence I need from him and not so much the academic intelligence. His behavior has been unwavering even when I’ve tested him. He’s allowed me to be difficult (which is a very new role for me) and he’s remained calm and consistent. His being there for me yesterday just fits right in with the way he’s been all along. I was his first patient at 7:00 am and very clearly notified him I wouldn’t be there. If I were him I would have taken the time to sleep in or go to the gym or something. Sure, he could come anyway and do paperwork, but not sure I would have done the same had our roles been reversed. It for sure added to the symbolic security that I experience with him in therapy.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, LonesomeTonight, susannahsays
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 03, 2019 at 08:36 AM
  #29
Quote:
Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
Yeah, go figure! I don't know what to think of that.
Except that raw part is a repressed part of you that would be great to bring to sessions. I understand you are bringing more in now. I also imagine T can't analyze your superego if it wasn't in emails. It has to be there to be resolved, so it's good that it's coming out.

I loved the raw feelings. It was like experiencing myself for the first time. But there was a lot of sexual stuff too.

I get a little jealous of your T. He's just like mine with one exception-my T wasn't as generous as yours, such as saying all the kind things. He was that way for a short time, then I got intense sexual feelings, so then he quit being as kind. That was years ago. I think we are actually going to revisit that soon. I was actually very angry about that, we had a huge rupture over it.
Reading about erotic transference scares me because I can see how it could easily go there. I mean we’re human, right? And this is a kind person taking genuine interest in us. That must have been really hard when your T changed his behavior towards you. I know that would have been devastating for me.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 03, 2019 at 08:39 AM
  #30
Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
You risked a lot by turning up to a session which you had cancelled. I am not sure that your therapist has worked in your best long term interests by ignoring your cancellation. There is something about this playing-out which reminds me of your longing for his email responses. When he turned up for the session, he did the equivalent of replying to an email - it feels great! He cares enough to attend (answer the email)! But what about the next time you cancel and attend anyway? What if he isn't there? Or has booked to see another client because he has taken your cancellation seriously? I don't know, it seems messy to me.
I see what you’re saying but I think it’s more complicated. In my real life I’m extremely reliable and dependable and responsible. I was always that way as a kid too - perfect. I had no choice. So his letting me be fickle or scared or even difficult, but still being there for me has been huge. I’m not even sure I realized it until now.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, LonesomeTonight
Taylor27
healing from trauma
 
Taylor27's Avatar
Taylor27 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Alberta
Posts: 30,425 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
24.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 03, 2019 at 01:12 PM
  #31
I am so glad you showed up. You have a amazing t and my t would of had someone else right away, thats how my clinic works. Hugs
Taylor27 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Lrad123
Anonymous56789
Guest
Anonymous56789 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 03, 2019 at 01:54 PM
  #32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
In my real life I’m extremely reliable and dependable and responsible. I was always that way as a kid too - perfect. I had no choice. So his letting me be fickle or scared or even difficult, but still being there for me has been huge. I’m not even sure I realized it until now.
Lrad123 is unchained!
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 03, 2019 at 03:25 PM
  #33
Quote:
Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
Lrad123 is unchained!
Lol. I think I’m still pretty straight-laced, but maybe a little unchained for me anyway!
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default May 03, 2019 at 04:57 PM
  #34
I’m letting myself bask in the memory of this nice therapy experience I had yesterday. I assume the memory will fade and I wish I could hang onto it a bit longer. There was another nice moment yesterday when I told him that part of the reason I decided to come was because in addition to the fact that I was already paying for the session, I felt so horrible that it couldn’t possibly be any worse and then I said, “well, maybe it could get worse. Maybe I’d show up today and you’d tell me this isn’t working any more and we should stop working together. “. But before I could really finish my sentence he cut me of and looked me in the eye and said, “This is working. All the feelings and everything. It’s working.” It was nice that he was so confident when I was feeling like I was acting pretty crazy. Plus he told me at least 3 times that he was glad I was there. Ok. Done gushing for now.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous56789, ElectricManatee, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, ElectricManatee, GingerBee, LonesomeTonight
LostOnTheTrail
Tweaky Dog
 
LostOnTheTrail's Avatar
LostOnTheTrail has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,777
10 yr Member
3,105 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 04, 2019 at 03:32 AM
  #35
Great post, Lrad.

Maybe you could journal about your session to 'preserve' that memory? Often works for me.

__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
LostOnTheTrail is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, LonesomeTonight, Lrad123, SlumberKitty
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:10 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.