Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I had a hard session today and ended up emailing to cancel my session tomorrow morning at 7:00 am. I’m afraid I’ll be crucified by some on PC who see this behavior as nonsensical or even disrespectful. For whatever it’s worth, I’m still paying for tomorrow’s session. I’m just really, genuinely trying to figure out why this is always my response to stressful therapy situations.

Today I brought up an incident from my youth that I’ve never shared with anyone. I don’t want to get into it here, but at first I talked about how I wasn’t sure I could talk about it with him and by the end of our session I had talked about it. There was quite a bit of silence in the middle though and I eventually decided to rip the bandaid off and tell him about the incident that was on my mind. It’s an incident that I’ve processed on my own and I think I was just wondering how it would feel to say it out loud to someone else even though it no longer feels like a huge deal to me. When I was driving home I felt angry at myself for being vulnerable because it felt like I had just had a feeble attempt at trying to say something to get his pity or reassurance. I felt like a big melodramatic baby. I work daily with people who have much more dire circumstances, so I felt embarrassed by whatever little mundane piece of info I had just shared with my T. So I sent him an email saying I was canceling my appointment for tomorrow morning. It’s the first appointment of the day and I didn’t want him to show up any earlier than he needed to since I wasn’t planning to be there.

I think what feels different with this cancellation is the realization that I’d like to go tomorrow but feel like I need to punish myself by not going to atone for being “too much” today. I don’t know what to do about that because I do genuinely feel that even though part of me might realize the logic is a bit off. I also feel a little hurt that he didn’t respond with a quick, “It’s ok. Please come in tomorrow and we’ll talk,” or something like that. He no longer responds to emails, but would that have been so hard? (I know, I know. Here we go with the emails again).

Anyway, I’m planning to be at the gym tomorrow morning instead of my therapy session. I’d welcome any insights into my crazy behavior.

I don’t think it is crazy at all. I know different T’s have different approaches but two sessions that close together doesn’t give you enough time to get through a tough one before you are back at it. I would LOVE to see my T more than once a week but I want to see him Monday and Thursday so I have time to process in between.

Thanks. Yeah, I agree that several days apart would be ideal, but that didn’t work for our schedules. He said that 2 days in a row can be good because you can just pick up where you left off the day before. Today, though, I really feel like I could use an extra day or two.

Would you consider uncanceling? If you feel like you really do want to be there? Or could you call or text to keep it? I do understand the feel of being too much...

No he doesn’t respond (or check?) outside of normal office hours. I’ve already sent a cancellation email about an hour before the end of his work day, and my appointment is the first one in the morning. I have to assume he took me at my word that I’m not coming at 7:00 tomorrow morning. Honestly, if I showed up after the cancellation email it would just be awkward. I told him I was aware that I was acting like a complete weirdo and that I’d be back to normal by next week.

That totally sounds like me with my T

It was best to cancel as you should at least have 24hr between sessions to let your brain process the last session. Do you always have two sessions back to back like that?

Yes I always have the same times every week, so about 20 hours between sessions. It was the only way our schedules would work.

It seems like you're doing really good and difficult work in therapy right now, from what you've written. The realization about "atoning" seems interesting and relevant, a new piece of the approach-retreat dynamic you have with therapy sometimes (a dynamic that I think is really normal to have).

Having sessions on consecutive days can be very useful but also very difficult, so this reaction makes a ton of sense to me in that context. My schedule works out so that I have sessions <24 hours apart about every other week--it's great because it lets topics develop more fully over both sessions, but it also feels like it raises the stakes sometimes when the first session is intense, since there's not really anywhere to hide when the next day rolls around.

It strikes me that that the ideas behinds these bits and pieces I've plucked from your larger post don't fit together in ways that your posts usually do. It feels disjointed, like a bucket of Ms. Potato head parts that even if put together perfectly, are missing an eye or an arm or whatever. Maybe that has larger meaning, like you've tapped into something quite big and it's raining stuff down on you.

1. Angry at yourself for being vulnerable-- the second half of that sentence seems like something else entirely. This sounds like you think vulnerability is weakness rather than strength, or that you put yourself in a one-down position by revealing a soft spot, showing your neck. "Feeble attempt" sounds like a way to put yourself down for weakness too. Being afraid, is that was makes you angry? Could you be really well defended, and this is your reaction to letting your guard down?

2. Trying to get his pity or reassurance. Two wildly different reactions there. Who wants pity? I doubt that you do. Empathy, maybe. Reassurance, sure. Wanting these things from people when you've revealed sensitive info or hurtful experiences is totally normal. Why are you beating yourself up for it. Maybe what's bugging you is the WANT. You want, hope for, long to make some kind of impact on him, get some reaction. That reminds me of how you wrote about the emailing thing. Perhaps you've gone a long time giving yourself away to others and being all proud of yourself for not needing anything back. A book I read a few years back is an eye opener for this concept:

https://www.amazon.com/Strangers-Dro...gateway&sr=8-1

3. "Felt like a big baby." Again it's images of weakness, neediness, vulnerability. Maybe there is more consistency here than I first thought. A clue maybe, that this is tapping into your childhood. From where I sit, you had an objectively bad one. Maybe it's time to deal with it rather than avoid it. You think you were "too much." How is that, exactly, when you pay for a session time and you left when you were supposed to, and you didn't tear the place apart when you were there?

4. Working with people in dire circumstances. Yeah, I get this. My clients have a string of terrible traumas that make my ugly childhood look like a walk in the park. It's a good, if hollow excuse for denying your own pain, which in my experience, will come back and kick you in the teeth every time. What others have been through is irrelevant to your therapy. You know this.

5. "Punish." Clearly the way you treat yourself is a problem. To punish yourself by denying something you want is just a slightly more sophisticated version of slashing up your skin with a razor.

6. He's made it very clear he's not going to respond no matter what. And it would be anti-therapist ethic thing to encourage or ask a client to attend a session when she has canceled. Your expectations for what you think he'll do are way, way off. You are not going to get the reaction you want by emailing. You can't push the issue off on him. The problem is not that he didn't respond back and tell you to come to your session. The problem is you canceled in the first place, a choice that has consequences that you have to live with. It's not a tragedy, but it's a choice you may need to own as against your best interests.

I hope it doesn't feel like I have tried to "crucify" you for canceling your session but I don't care whether it inconveniences your T or whatever. I do think it's a version of self harm, because by making this choice, you are sabotaging what you most want from him, which is some kind of response to you and your experience.

I think you have trouble accepting what therapy and your therapist offers you. I think you won't allow yourself to have what you most want from the guy sitting there in the room with you. I admire the creativity in your attempts to avoid getting what you want, spending your time and money and space in your head in the service of it.

I'm tempted just to delete this message, but on the off chance something I've written might be helpful, here it goes. I miss the mark plenty of times .

Well my alarm went off early this morning and I had planned to go to the gym, but as I’ve learned in therapy, feelings change, and instead of going to the gym I went to my therapy appointment. I had sent a clear cancellation email so I knew he might not be there since it was the first appointment of the day. But as I drove past his building I could see that his light was on and I also recognized his car in the lot. I was a couple minutes late and his door was open, but he was working at his desk so I knocked. When he saw me he had a big smile on his face and he said, “I’m so glad you came.” He said he believed me that I wasn’t planning to come, but he understood that feelings change and he wanted to be there in case I changed my mind.

He said I was courageous for bringing up what I brought up yesterday in session and for showing up today. We talked about how it’s ok to be angry and I don’t need my anger to dissipate before showing up for our sessions., and how we don’t always feel good after therapy sessions and that’s ok. We also talked a bit about how I think other people’s situations are worse than mine and therefore mine aren’t valid, etc. I told him I wished he had responded to my email by saying “come in anyway” and we had a good talk about that. I thanked him for showing up. Phew.

Wow that was so courageous and a wonderful act of overcoming your avoidance, Lrad! I doubt that I would have ever done that with a therapist (cancelling and then showing up without formally revoking it). Did his reaction give you more reassurance that you are welcome even if things get a but messy and you don't stick exactly with what was supposed to happen? I think that's how I would have felt myself. I never had this with a T but experienced something similar about dreaded work-related meetings. I often have all sorts of worst case scenario fantasies when I feel that I am not progressing well enough or not going into a meeting prepared enough, sometimes to find that other do not see it that way at all. Still, my own imagination and self-judgment is often stronger than reality, I still feel ashamed no matter how much positive feedback, but I've gotten better at it over time via pushing myself not to avoid discomfort. When it is really successful, it can give me a great deal of relief and a reality check that was actually successful

Someone on a different thread posted something about a “vulnerability hangover” which is exactly what I think happened to me yesterday. I left his office feeling completely exposed and that felt really horrible. I ended up going to my appointment today in part because I felt like what else do I have to lose? How much worse can it get? (Also, ill do anything to get out of going to the gym. LOL.).

Wow, that's great your T was there!

You risked a lot by turning up to a session which you had cancelled. I am not sure that your therapist has worked in your best long term interests by ignoring your cancellation. There is something about this playing-out which reminds me of your longing for his email responses. When he turned up for the session, he did the equivalent of replying to an email - it feels great! He cares enough to attend (answer the email)! But what about the next time you cancel and attend anyway? What if he isn't there? Or has booked to see another client because he has taken your cancellation seriously? I don't know, it seems messy to me.

I am glad that you got to see your T!

Also really glad that your T was there and that you went.

Yeah, it’s hard for me to express how touched I am that he was there just in case I showed up, and that he seemed so genuinely glad that I showed up. He didn’t have to do that.

This is great!! I'm so glad you went in, and he was so kind to say he was glad to see you!

You see how not emailing brings progress? Being less dependent on T, you were able to garner the confidence, trust, and capability within yourself to do what you wanted to do. Fears of your Ts reaction did not determine your fate--you did what you wanted to do. Your sense of self has started to solidify already.

The cancellation stuff is just a phase. I wouldn't even worry and just go with it not against it. Seek to understand it, then mastering it will come naturally. What you speak of is related to the beauty of this therapy, about how it changes your structures, how your mind works. This therapy magnifies your conflicting mental processes--these used to be referred to as freud's id, ego, superego, but the concepts still apply to everyone.

• the instinctual part-fear, impulses, pleasure-seeking, sex, aggression, anger....
• the superego-the guilt, internalized parents, rules you created for yourself, the internal voices, self-hate, and the punishment
• your ego, which regulates everything; the part of you that reasons, plans, seeks to achieve and self-actualize etc.

Your mind, through defenses, has been repressing your impulses. Normally that happens because your parents rejected them (i.e. you weren't allowed to be angry or excited). Because your impulses come out in T, such as the angry feelings/aggression, your superego tries to keep you in check and guilts you. It used to bury your impulsive side and try to hide your true feelings. The hardest part is often related to dissolved defenses.

It takes a while, but what happens is your ego changes and starts to regulate all of this. It's just that your superego has dominated for so long, you likely never noticed it. Also because your ego was clouded by defenses. Now those defenses lift, you are left figuring out how to 'be' in the world. It's truly remarkable how your mind can still change after development.

Someday after working through this stuff, your mind will be content more often than not. Until then, all of these mental processes are magnified. Use this opportunity to understand them, to understand yourself and become more whole and balanced. This is a strong benefits of this therapy that is mostly unrelated to the relationship. Your mental structures change so that your ego regulates these mental processes.

Your thought about the punishment was really insightful. Growing up, did your parents reject you for being angry? Or maybe you felt you had to go away? Or if you couldnt make your father happy, you felt bad about yourself? Maybe because you were not accepted unless you were 'good"? Just thoughts..

Your therapist sounds amazing. (Minus the emailing thing, but it seems that he compensates for that in other ways.)

Not all therapists would do that. Mine would have taken me at my word and if I had showed up after cancelling, there would certainly have been another client there. Or I would have discovered a darkened, locked office.