New therapist today - "hidden" kleenex behind curtain!

My T tends to be this way, especially with new clients, because it signals that it's not a social relationship and also doesn't waste time on small talk. People can spend a lot of time talking about random things especially if they're nervous, so it's better to get to the point. It was kind of off-putting for me at first but he's a good T once I got used to it.

I can't see what's wrong with ending on time--I think Ts should keep to their schedule.

Meh . . . I take my own kleenex everywhere (seriously). Allergies. Always prepared. End of discussion.

Thanks. Yes, I still suffer from that termination and I agree that therapist didn´t kept boundaries as she should have.

But all the time up until the termination I really liked her and that she didn´t keep too strict boundaries. Besides giving me more sessions than allowed she didn´t cross any boundaries even if the extention of the number of sessions per se of course ended badly.

I don´t see being flexible about the session time, keeping it between say 45-50 minutes as crossing boundaries. I don´t mean this current therapist should give me many more minutes every session but going the other way and "watching the clock" is not productive either.

Sometimes a session can end within 45 minutes, sometimes you´re in the middle of something and then adding some more minutes is just to show some caring.


It also reflects the therapist´s view upon therapy and I´ve never wanted a psychoanalytical therapist but it seems the one I now see does therapy within that orientation.

Thanks. I agree a session shouldn´t be small talk like half of the time but exchanging something briefly about the weather or similar just adds to a solid therapeutic relationship as I see it.

I don´t look upon therapy as a setting which necessarily needs to be so very different from meeting with other people. Asking something simple like "how was the trip here today" or "how hot it is outside today" can very well be part of a beginning to a session without going on talking about the trip or the weather of course.

Keeping a schedule is important but ending every session on the exact minute no matter what is way too rigid for me. In such a case, which it seems to be with this new T, it loses it´s meaning and instead becomes something that might eliminate a therapeutic relationship to grow stronger.

Me personally just feel rejected by such strict time boundaries and it gives me the feeling that the rules are more important than me.

So, shoe on the other foot. If the therapist started late because they were "flexible" about the time boundary, would you then be critical that they didn't care about you because they gave extra time to another client and didn't respect you appointment enough to start on time?

I'd think it would be good to enforce time exactly because those extra minutes tend to have meaning. Like she's rewarding you if she gives you extra time or rejecting you if she finishes a minute or two early or just doesn't give you extra time. It's important for a T to be consistent and predictable, it can cause anxiety if they're not.

In any case, it seems like it might be good for you to try going with this T's approach. You seem pretty entrenched in your views on how she should act etc. and I think that's bound to lead to some disappointment with anyone. Maybe you have trouble being open-minded?

Thanks. Yes, it truly is. Yes, but I don´t mean giving me nor another client so much more time at the end that it affects another client. I wouldn´t feel comfortable if I knew another client sat waiting for us to end.

But it might. You don't know whether it will or won't. You don't know if your therapist needs to return another client's call before the next session begins. Your therapist needs a bit of downtime/transition time between clients. There is a reason therapists try to stick to a schedule; when they don't clients are not happy because it affects them.

It seems like you have made many posts about how therapists start and end sessions; it's almost like that is a bit of a fixation for you.

What happened DURING the session is where the real meat is. If that isn't satisfactory, that would be the larger concern it would seem.

Thanks. I agree consistency is important but it´s difficult when it comes to time as being consistent and exact means the T needs to carefully watch the time at the end of every session and then make the client leave immediately.

Also, I have never experienced this "time watching" before. All counselors and therapists I´ve met with always were a bit flexible and if they sometimes had no client after me we kept talking for some minutes after the scheduled 45 minutes. I now mean if we were in the middle of something, I´ve never stayed in the therapist's office to small talk after the session ended.

In a way I can see it´s good to try some new approaches, like I did with my former T who introduced looking at pictures of me as a small child as part of "inner child work". But when a therapist´s orientation affects how and if I feel I can trust her and feel safe with her, then new approaches just lead to me not wanting to see her.

I already feel like I´ll hang in there for the four evaluation sessions that she has already scheduled for us and then it´ll just end, either by her telling me she feels I don´t like her or me telling I don´t like how she meets with me.

But it´s very difficult as I´m not allowed to switch therapists, according to this T no patient is as they have so many patients waiting in line. So I´ll then just end up without therapy and like "all problems still there".

Thanks. Yes, the start- and endtime is important to me but when writing about this the session time has never been the only thing that I was hesitant about. It often goes hand in hand with other things the therapist does and how I feel about her.

For example, my former T said to me several times that she found it very important not to be late for sessions. She always met with me in the waiting area like a minute or so before we started. Then, at the end, she often extended the session some minutes. She could perhaps schedule more freely than a therapist within public health care and that makes a difference but acting like the most important thing is for the client to leave on time, to me that isn´t considerate.

QUOTE=ArtleyWilkins;6522683]But it might. You don't know whether it will or won't. You don't know if your therapist needs to return another client's call before the next session begins. Your therapist needs a bit of downtime/transition time between clients. There is a reason therapists try to stick to a schedule; when they don't clients are not happy because it affects them.

It seems like you have made many posts about how therapists start and end sessions; it's almost like that is a bit of a fixation for you.

What happened DURING the session is where the real meat is. If that isn't satisfactory, that would be the larger concern it would seem.[/QUOTE]

And another therapist didn't shake your hand. Then I guess you talked to her and got her to start shaking your hand at the end of sessions. Then she forgot one time and corrected herself and remembered to shake your hand, but then you were unhappy because you didn't like that she only did it because you asked her to.

It just all seems like not the real issue, but you make these little things into big issues almost as a way of rejecting each and every therapist at some point over relatively minor things. Why are these minor things so big to you? Because it hasn't mattered which therapist you were seeing; inevitably you become focused on some rather minor issue that you read great judgment into and that becomes the reason the therapist/therapy won't work.

I really don't intend to be scolding here and please don't read this that way. I just see this repeated pattern that constantly gets in your way, and since your options are so limited, finding out what it is all about so you can work past it is probably what is going to have to happen to be able to stick with a therapist.

It reminds me a bit of a student I have right now. He's really rather obsessive compulsive about entrances and exits. He literally cannot leave my room before every other student has left, and he absolutely must say "have a nice day" to me three times before he walks out. In fact, one day I sped out of the room before him because I needed to speak to another teacher quickly, and the teacher next door said he was just standing in my door like he was unable to leave the room. (This is a new thing by the way; I taught him last year and this wasn't a thing.) I sort of see something similar in your fixation on how a therapist greets you and says goodbye; this (and similar small judgments) has come up over and over in your posts over the years. You have some sense of THE way it needs to happen and have attached some meaning that it absolutely equates warmth and caring, almost to the exclusion of every other factor. Can you consider that perhaps there are much larger factors concerning warmth and caring than entrances and exits?

It just seems like until you figure out how to tolerate other people's individuality as not reflective of their caring for you, you are going to stay on this roller coaster, and I know you really feel the need for therapy and I hope you find a way to work with a therapist.

Thanks. Yes, there have been such situations with some of the counselors I´ve met with, but not all of them. I happen to think it´s important and something that comes natural to me to say something nice when meeting with someone and after a meeting has ended.

As these are small things per se and something that´s easily done like saying "hello, how was your trip here" or "see you next week" or similar, then not doing such things could be apprehended as non-caring. But, of course, not every such event is a sign of a person not caring.

Also, it´s the problems or issues in therapy that mostly get spoken about on this forum and by that I haven´t posted about how I liked a hug from a counselor or similar positive events.

This is no obsession, it´s just part of what I appreciate and find important in people. Good manners, like offering a nice greeting and some kind words, it´s nothing strange about that.

With a therapist it gets more important and single events grow larger than if I meet with an aquaintance but that´s because of the unique nature of a therapeutic relationship.

Even if not offering a handshake or forgetting to say something nice at the end of a meeting might be a person´s "normal way of acting" it will still be perceived as cold to me. That´s just how chemistry works, some people you spontaniously like and others you don´t.

If handshakes, kind words and similar didn´t mean anything or at all reflected how you feel about a person, such gestures had gone extinct.

Sarah,
this T is a psychoanalytical T, correct?

So the things you perceive as cold or uncaring (strict time management, no small talk, being (seemingly) unapproachable) are due to the fact that she is a psychoanalyst.

Since this is your only option for longterm therapy within the public healthcare system I think you owe it to yourself to put your best foot forward to at least try and make this work.

There's no point in finding faults right now, cause this is what's on offer. Not more and not less. You can get hung up on the fact that she is not up for a little bit of chitchat at the beginning or the end of the session. Or you could actually try and find out how capable this T really is. And even though this T might not have been your own choice (if there had been a choice), she can still be helpful for you in the long run.

Whether she will be helpful for you and your problems, that's mainly up to you. You can decide to really give it a go, or you can mourn the fact that she is not your ideal T. But ideal T might never come along... and your problems are real and you want things in your life to brighten up for you. So it's either waiting for ideal T, who might never materialize. Or going all in with this T, who might not be your first choice, but should be a good enough therapist to help you make changes in your life.

Sarah-
If your T is in fact psychoanalytic, the stuff you are writing about here is ideal therapy content to bring to sessions. Hope you give it a try.

[QUOTE=cinnamon_roll;6522782. . .
There's no point in finding faults right now, cause this is what's on offer. Not more and not less. . .[/QUOTE]

I so much agree with this. It may be disappointing to be with this therapist, but the reality is that it is what it is. At least she's not seeming at this point to promise things she can't deliver on, like the last therapist. You may have wanted more, but that's a different thing.

I defend the therapist here because it seems the most sensible thing to do. I mean, the idea someone would purposely hide a box of tissue? Ridiculous.

My question is reverse; why must we always assume the client is in the right. Don't think for an instant this is always the case.

The original poster said herself she had apprehension about attending the session in advance of it. Subconsciously then, they would have been looking for negative aspects of the session that would support their conclusion. This is really unfortunate. But I am certain the therapist holds no blame here. Use common sense please.

The client’s feelings are the client’s feelings, and therefore are never wrong. If the client doesn’t like the therapist, who are we to say she should? Or that she has no right? Or play armchair therapist and pathologize it? I think it’s totally reasonable to be put off by someone who is cold and doesn’t make an effort to make the other person comfortable - not that my opinion really matters in Sarah’s personal assessment.

I don’t think anyone was questioning the therapist as a professional or human being. But I think it’s insane to blame the OP for her first impression of the therapist - as if it’s some kind of short coming.

I didn’t like quite a few therapists I interviewed over the years. I might not have picked up on tissue placement issues, but I wouldn’t have thought to blame myself and actually start therapy with one of them. It’s a really personal, subjective choice. Shame for Sarah that she doesn’t have that choice.

I would consider this a projection like that of anyone else responding to this theead.

Maybe the therapist does ridiculous things. Or maybe the Kleenex reminds her of the funeral or death of a loved one, or she has OCD and the Kleenex leads to intrusive thoughts of clients' snotty noses. My guess is as good as anyone's.

I wouldn't hesitate to simply ask the therapist.

I agree with this too.

How horribly disappointing, but not much choice. Best to make lemonade out of lemons.

I see positives here too, like less likelihood of encountering the pitfalls of the prior therapist.

I have read where therapists claim to do just that. I have represented clients whose therapists did crap like hide the kleenex. I have no opinion on the therapist the OP was talking about - I would just ask them. But in my experience, therapists are not above doing things like hiding kleenex. Therapists are not always correct, above board good guys. Don't think for an instant that they are.
My common sense is just fine.