Afraid I’ll Run Into Ex T

I am meeting my sponsor soon and am feeling very panicky about it. I offered to meet my sponsor where ever she wanted / is most convenient for her, but it just so happens that she wants to meet somewhere that is really close to Ex T. I know I’m not intentionally following or stalking Ex T by meeting at a place that is so close to where she lives, but I just still feel so dirty about it. I also know it would still be unlikely we’d run into each other, but what if Ex T sees me in my car? What if she sees me in the parking lot? I’m just so anxious that she will think I’m stalking her. I feel certain that’s what she’d think if she saw me. Even if she didn’t see me, I feel so ashamed for even being in the same area. I just can’t tell my sponsor that I actually can’t meet there as I already told her she could choose where to meet.

I think what that therapist did to you is terrible. I understand that you don't want to hear that necessarily, that you still have positive feelings for her. And that you care what she thinks (even mistakenly) about you.

Realistically -- you have a right to be in the area, no matter what she might think. What can she do to you anymore even if she does think you are stalking her? Not likely she would call the police and even if she did -- you are doing nothing wrong.

On the other hand, does your sponsor know about you and this ex-T? If so, perhaps she would understand why you would like to change the meeting location, if possible.

Assuming you would not be violating the terms of a restraining order, you have a right to access whatever areas of town you want. You do not have to make yourself invisible in order to make your ex-therapist comfortable.

Well, the really good thing about separation from your ex-therapist is that this kind of thing no longer matters!

I can relate though - for months after therapy ended for me, I’d get worked up about what my therapist thought about past events and what she’d think about my current life decisions - to a point where I’d be on the verge of panic and feel ill. To self-calm, I’d repeat to myself “You’re okay! What she thinks can’t hurt you anymore. She is gone now.” I’m not sure if that would help you, but it it did wonders for me.

It may also be helpful to reflect on how unhealthy the dynamics were/still are, when driving close to where she lives still causes you to feel afraid and ashamed and change your plans. It seems you still have a mental prison of self-imposed ‘rules’ that aren’t relevant anymore, and are crippled by the thought that she might think something bad about you. For the record, you can go wherever you like whenever you like. In your situation I might be tempted to drive down her street and flip off her house.... which is NOT a crime as far as I know. . Anecdotally, I also think the chances of seeing her out are extremely low, even in her own neighborhood. In my small town I rarely see many of my friends and neighbors by chance or in passing. (I still am not clear on how you were unlucky enough to get caught driving by her house - that was truly awful timing.)

As another tip, I’d try to frame panic feelings about what she thinks or may think as residual trauma symptoms and signs of enmeshment/over attachment/obsession. Symptomizing the feelings, rather than internalizing and personalizing them, and then rigorously challenging them with logic worked for me. A CBT workbook or OCD self-help book or manual may also help if you feel stuck down the road.

If you decide against that place, why don't you tell your sponsor that actually, the location is not convenient for you, maybe because of a bad memory or something, no need to overshare.

If you decide going there remember you have every right to be there minding your own life. It is not likely you see her and if you do, you still can be there and you don't owe her anything anymore.

Stay away from that location. You don't need any extra issues to deal with. It is perfectly acceptable to contact your sponsor and say, "on second thought, I can't meet at X place. Could we meet ___ instead, or at another place more convenient for you?" I think if you make a specific suggestion and are open to another possibility, you are not making it difficult for you. I think you'd be showing her you are taking care of yourself, which is a good thing in general and in the specific context.

If you do end up going to that location, the one thing I'd suggest is to not linger there before or after the meeting. Don't sit in your car in the parking lot (if you get there early, go into the place, and leave immediately after you're done--I know I sometimes sit in my car texting or emailing, but avoid doing that), don't stand around outside.

Don't let this fear run your life.

Hug's i can understand why you are afraid. You have every right to be there and if you find it's uncomfortable just tell your sponser, you have to leave or go some where else. Hugs

Personally, I'd go eat wherever I want to. I highly doubt that even in the off chance your ex-T ran into you at that restaurant that she'd jump to stalking. You are there with another person as public restaurant.

The ONLY reason to not go is for your OWN level of comfort. If you feel you will be nervous, anxious, etc. because you won't get this out of your mind the whole time, then yes, suggest a different place. You don't have to explain why. Just say, "Changed my mind. Can we meet at _____?" and go there.

I kept reading your post for a while and each time you post something the sentiment is the same just phrased differently. Is what I did unacceptable, does my ex-therapist think i am crazy. I can't help to wonder whether your T realises what a massive effect this termination has on you, if she would ever come to realise that her decision not to see you again has been affecting you for months afterwards. It makes me genuinely sad to see you struggling so much where all you seem to need is some comforting from her, reassurance that this one event doesnt reflet on your worthiness.

Thank you for the advice everybody. However, I don’t feel comfortable asking my sponsor to meet at a different location. It was pretty hard for me to even ask her to sponsor me in the first place and I’m hoping she will want to be my sponsor for the long haul. Right now, I think we are just going to try it out and see how it goes. Logically, I don’t want Ex T to run my life anymore and I don’t want to constantly be afraid of “scaring” her. I also don’t want to plan everything around her not seeing me, because I feel that may just perpetuate the shame? Like if I’m trying to avoid something, maybe that will just give it more power since it’s something I feel like I have to hide? Nonetheless, I would be pretty upset if she happens to see me, but logically I also know the chances of this happening are slim. However, if I look like I’m not phased by seeing her, maybe she will think I’m over her and couldn’t care less? Regardless, I’d appreciate some pocket riders and maybe some prayers to the universe that that doesn’t happen.

Can someone file a restraining order if the person drives by someone’s house once? Just curious.

It's highly doubtful that would be enough to warrant a restraining order, but I'm sure your state will have the requirements needed to file one online if you want to look it up for yourself. You would know if she had filed one against you because you would have been served with the documents.

JB - Do you actually know that you scared her? Did your ex-therapist SAY that?

I can’t help but notice that every single thing you’ve ever posted about your therapist has been non-threatening and benign in intention. Considering what you’ve been through and the amount of pain this situation has caused you, you’ve showed much less anger and ill will than typical. If she knows you, your ex-therapist would have to be an absolute moron to think you’d be any kind of threat to her. As an outside reader, it’s upsetting to see someone SO INCREDIBLY hard on themselves for very little reason. You are NOT dangerous, and if she feels that way, that’s on HER. You do not deserve to have to go around feeling like a freaking criminal.

Thank you for sharing with me that I’ve never said anything threatening.

As another poster said, only change the location if YOU aren't comfortable.

You are allowed to go where you want. If your ex-therapist bumps into you months after you've finished therapy and assumes you're following her, that's really her issue.

I doubt very much, but more so than the fact that it was one time is the issue of how much time has passed since it happened and nothing else has occurred. I think you can let this fear go. Also, since she is a therapist and filing for said order would violate client confidentiality, I think she would be reluctant to do so unless she had exhausted other options and has evidence that you are dangerous.

Would it be worth the expense to go to a lawyer and ask? They are required to be confidential, too.

My own personal answer would be -- "Of course not! That's ridiculous." But I don't know. And it may be specific to where you live.

No, I don't think it would be worth it to pay a lawyer to say "anybody can file anything against anyone." This is America where the filing of lawsuits is not restricted to the meritorious. Whether someone would go to the substantial expense of paying a lawyer to file for a restraining order, I would say highly unlikely. That is probably the biggest barrier that protects anyone fearing a lawsuit for something stupid. But stupid lawsuits get filed every day. Whether or not such a thing would be granted is another issue. I have some direct experience in this area of the law, and I think even if your ex-T wanted to, only the lowest of the bottom feeding attorneys would take money to do such a thing, given its low probability of success in proving the necessity of court protection.
Of course I wouldn't take legal advice from strangers on the internet.