I don’t know if I can do this

I’m supposed to have my first face to face appointment this week but I don’t know if I can do it.

Im terrified that bringing up the past again might just make everything worse. I’m scared I won’t be able to talk at all and will be wasting both of our time. I’m worried about telling him I feel suicidal and have been self harming. I

I sometimes laugh or smile if I’m uncomfortable / nervous and I can’t stop thinking that this is going to happen at a really inappropriate moment and the t will think badly of me.

I keep thinking I would be okay if we could sit not facing each other but there’s no way I could ask that as I would be too embarrassed.

I’m so over anxious about the whole thing and I’m tempted to call and change it to a phone appt but I also want to go in to see if I can do it and the t asked if I could come in this time. I just don’t know what to do, everything just seems so hard and I’m so anxious all the time it’s exhausting.

If anyone has any advice on handling any of the above/the first face to face appointment I would be grateful.

could you write down on a peace of paper some key points?

some things that you know you want to discuss to help jog your memory

you'll be fine. I have faith in you

you could even use the first session like an icebreaker session.

her getting to know you and vice versa

remember therapy is all about how slow you want to take things

you're not going to be rushed

Go. It will be okay.

Don't worry about the smiling thing. That's a VERY common issue for people; the therapist won't be surprised or think badly of you. I can remember a therapist first bringing that to my attention; I didn't even realize I was doing it. He wasn't scolding; he was just making an observation, and we explored why I have that physical response to talking about really difficult issues.

It's possible starting to talk about the past will make you feel worse at times. That's also pretty normal. It's kind of like when you have an only partially healed sore and it the scab comes off. Eventually, that sore will start fully healing, but it may take some time (or possibly a lot of time).

Share what you are thinking about, even the suicidal thoughts and self harm. He'll ask questions to determine urgency and severity, and may talk about a plan for self-care and/or intervention if needed. That is all, also, very common in therapy.

I hope your appointment goes well and that you find actually sitting and have a dialogue with your therapist in person is helpful. Much is lost without body language and voice inflection; I think you'll find the communication is clearer face-to-face.

Best of luck.

Maybe it would help to keep the first session / intake rather light? I'm not saying to lie about anything, but you don't have to get really deep into things if you are uncomfortable doing so. For example, if you experienced physical abuse as a child, you could say just that and tell them you don't want to get into details right now. I also sometimes find it a relief to just be direct when I'm worried about something like laughing or smiling inappropriately. I don't have that exact problem, but it seems like it might help to just let the therapist know that you're nervous and it might happen. Then you don't have to keep thinking and worrying about it and what to do if it happens.

Whenever I feel like I can't do something, I often tell myself the anxiety over the said event is often much worse than the actual event. That helps me. Maybe it will be helpful to you. I hope the appointment goes well. HUGS Kit

Writing down key points is an excellent suggestion I've used many times. Even if those "points" are not addressed, it gives you a starting point and something tangible to bring with you. An action for you to take.

In fact, one of the points on the page can be a "I have X in my past, but I can't go there today."

And/or a note to yourself, "Proud of you."

You do not have to talk about it, you can just briefly say if you want to. First sessions with the therapist is more of them getting to know you and why you are there. You can always say you are not comfortable going there and there should be no pressure to, Hugs.

Thank you for the encouragement. I could do that and have it as a backup plan, I’m just not sure if I would remember or be able to hand it over.

Unfortunately, as my appointment is through the NHS I will have a limited number of sessions so I’m not sure if I will be able to take things as slow as I would like.

Thank you. It’s good to know that other people might feel the same and have the same worries.

That makes sense and things have definitely been harder and more intense (memories, bad thoughts etc) since I started this process at the beginning of the year.

Thank you hopefully after this first appointment just going will get easier. I get why it’s important for me to go in so I’m going to push myself. If the worse comes to the worse I could always get up and walk out.

Yeah I really don’t want to even touch on the trauma part anytime soon.. Even saying it/hearing it and writing it I just can’t do it.

At the initial phone call he knows about my anxiety and doesn’t know about anything else really. I think the anticipation of it is sometimes worse than the reality. My brain goes into overdrive.

That’s definitely true a lot of times! I just wish my brain would overanalyse everything before and after. Thank you

Thank you I might write some key points I guess it’s better to have it and not use it than to not have it and wish I did.

Thank you. I guess I’m conflicted I want to see if talking about things will help as I feel like I’m at the end of trying myself and really struggling to keep going as things are. I just don’t know if I will be able to but hopefully with time and trust I will be able to.

Thank you everyone for replying with support and suggestions, I really appreciate it.

That stinks. The way mental health services are handled in countries with socialized systems of healthcare is the main reason I don't want to move to a single-payer system here in the US. Well, that and the long wait times to see anyone but your GP. I'm not saying our health insurance system is perfect or even decent, because it obviously isn't, but most people in favor of moving to single-payer here are completely ignorant of the drawbacks.

The problem with limited NHS mental health resources has nothing to do with socialised medicine. The NHS requires funding and we have faced successive governments (including Labour) who have not invested adequately in the public and voluntary sectors - most obviously the NHS. Any criticisms about the under-resourcing of socialised medicine are actually criticisms of right-wing governments and their spending priorities.

I know how socialized healthcare works.

I absolutely agree about right wing governments. From your comment, I get the impression you think I am a right-winger, and that really couldn't be further from the truth.

The fact remains that I have yet to see a socialized healthcare system that I would like to live under. I am skeptical that human greed would ever allow such a system to work how I would want it to. And I certainly don't believe it would work here in the US where wealth inequality just keeps increasing and people are so ignorant they vote against their own interests.

Stand down soldier. I wasn't suggesting that you are right-wing, simply that it makes no sense to criticise the philosophy of a health system which relies on governmental funding when it isn't adequately funded by the government.

I didn't criticize the philosophy, though. Re-read what I actually said. My very first sentence said I don't like the way mental health is handled in the countries practicing socialized medicine. That is speaking about reality, not philosophy.