I'm scared to go to therapy tomorrow!

I broke and texted the therapist, which she doesn't like. She hasn't laid down an absolute boundary about it, but she doesn't really want me texting her unless it's for scheduling. She said she doesn't usually text back and forth with clients. She said that texting is "something she allows [me] to do," but her "preference" is that if I have an issue that I wait and bring it up in session. While the latter half of that sentence could be interpreted as it's ok to text her if I'm not angry with her, that wasn't the impression I got based on her other comments. So basically, I'm not really supposed to text her.

I didn't text her frequently before she said all that. Maybe once or twice a month, if that. However, not having the option has made me want to text all the more and it's been a constant battle every day not to do so.

Earlier today I texted her. This was our exchange.

Me: My goal is to be bad and do whatever I want! I have no feelings!

Her: I think you do have feelings. This text is expressing an angry feeling. We will talk more about your goal, that's not what I was thinking of when I asked you and I won't help you to be bad. I also know that you do a lot of good things. Are you coming tomorrow?

Me: Yes.

Her: See you then, we will have lots to talk about.

I was actually shocked that she replied. Regarding the goal, in my previous session, she wanted to know what my goals for therapy are and I wouldn't tell her. So that's what the talk of goals is all about.

Anyway, the smug flowers of my defiance wilted on the vine when she replied and now I am scared to go to my session. Apparently I'm a coward. Her saying we will have lots to talk about reads as ominous to me, but that may be paranoia. Or not.

Thoughts?

P.S. It also did mean quite a lot to me that she did respond.

You are not a coward.

I think you have these things to talk about, just from looking through your post: Feeling defiant and being scared, anger, being bad and what that means, your goals and sharing them.... And that's just at a quick skim through.

FWIW, I think you are honest and brave. You keep on going, and you keep on working.