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MoxieDoxie
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Default May 08, 2019 at 06:05 PM
  #21
I also looked into caregivers support groups but none close enough to me. I will ask at the hospital on Monday.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 02:45 PM
  #22
Unless he told you that you couldn’t, it seems to me that the healthy thing to do is to just to email your therapist as often as you need to.

There’s plenty of time later to cultivate interests and work through dependency issues.

IMO the important therapy thing right now is to get you through this crisis in one piece.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 03:28 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post
Unless he told you that you couldn’t, it seems to me that the healthy thing to do is to just to email your therapist as often as you need to.

There’s plenty of time later to cultivate interests and work through dependency issues.

IMO the important therapy thing right now is to get you through this crisis in one piece.

Yes, I told my T recently how I often find his feedback useful, like giving me different perspectives on things (how someone might be reacting to what I say, etc.). But there are also times when I just need support (and not to be challenged), and I've been trying to tell him when it's those times. This sounds like one of those times for you, Moxie. You can work more on your coping skills when you're not trying to deal with your H's surgery.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 05:53 PM
  #24
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IMy husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and he has to have tumors removed on Monday and will be home for a week with a catheter and that is the best case scenario worst case they have to remove is bladder. FML
I'm really sorry about your H's diagnosis. When my spouse was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in his mid 40's, it was shocking to me. The diagnosis is really difficult, no matter what the stage. The medical care and treatment that followed was brutal. It took a lot out of me. He needed so much from me and I think it took more than a year to just stop feeling depleted all the time.

Suggestion: every hospital i've ever been in has social workers on staff. Call the oncology dept (or probably urology, wherever his doc is) and ask if you can make an appointment with the social worker, hopefully during the time when he's there in surgery and/or recovering. Another suggestion: hospice-- hopefully he never needs it and I realize you aren't a patient, but these folks knew the most about resources in the community for caregiver support and groups of all kinds. They are really hooked into knowing what's out there.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 06:14 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post
Unless he told you that you couldn’t, it seems to me that the healthy thing to do is to just to email your therapist as often as you need to.

There’s plenty of time later to cultivate interests and work through dependency issues.

IMO the important therapy thing right now is to get you through this crisis in one piece.
I did email him and he did reply a day later. He knows my husband is away and suggest I watch The Call to Courage from Brene Brown on Netflex which I am doing.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 06:17 PM
  #26
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I'm really sorry about your H's diagnosis. When my spouse was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in his mid 40's, it was shocking to me. The diagnosis is really difficult, no matter what the stage. The medical care and treatment that followed was brutal. It took a lot out of me. He needed so much from me and I think it took more than a year to just stop feeling depleted all the time.
This is what I am so afraid of. Him needing so much care from me, mentally and physically. I can barely take care of myself let alone someone else. Life is rotten and I hate living as it is.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 06:32 PM
  #27
@MoxieDoxie I am very sorry to hear about your husband. Remember to take care of yourself while taking care of him.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 09:59 PM
  #28
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This is what I am so afraid of. Him needing so much care from me, mentally and physically. I can barely take care of myself let alone someone else. Life is rotten and I hate living as it is.
I hope it is easier for you than it was for me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. On the plus side, it was good to know I could show up for someone who was dying and be present for them. It was good to know I could do the right thing under difficult circumstances.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 03:01 PM
  #29
He said a very endearing kind thing to me as he knows my husbands surgery is on Monday. He said I did not need to be in crisis to call him and to please use him as a support resource and to call him if I need to just connect. That amazes me.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 07:18 AM
  #30
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He said a very endearing kind thing to me as he knows my husbands surgery is on Monday. He said I did not need to be in crisis to call him and to please use him as a support resource and to call him if I need to just connect. That amazes me.
My T was like this during my H's entire illness. There was a week or two where I called him every day when crazy medical or family stuff was happening ( I don't know what your relationship with his family is, but dealing with them can be more taxing than anything, IME).

So take him up on it. Call every day if you have to. He means it.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 09:16 AM
  #31
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He said a very endearing kind thing to me as he knows my husbands surgery is on Monday. He said I did not need to be in crisis to call him and to please use him as a support resource and to call him if I need to just connect. That amazes me.
I have been caretaker to my sister and now to my husband. It is physically and emotionally draining. Utilize your therapist because like they say in the airplanes, you need to put on your oxygen mask first before you put one on another person.

My therapist was a vital source of support. Sometimes it was just an extra phone call. Sometimes it was an extra session. He often called me directly when he knew something in particular was going on like my husband being in the ICU. But he was always available. At one point, my therapist's office was literally across the hospital parking lot, and he came over during his lunch hour and sat with my husband while I ran to get some lunch and run an errand.

I'm fortunate now; our children are grown and I can ask them to help with their Dad. They can take a shift in the hospital so I can go home and take a shower, or they can just come sit at home so I can go to the grocery store or rehearsal. Do you have other people you can call on for that kind of physical relief on occasion? It doesn't even have to be family. Maybe friends or his or your coworkers? Church members? Even an hour can make a great difference.

Take the moments you find for yourself. So sorry you are dealing with this. There is very little harder.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 10:06 AM
  #32
That is so good of your t to let you know he is there for you. With my first t she was always there for me when thing got hard at home with my Grandpa no matter how many times i called her she was there and she would always let me know if she had to take time off. So that was reassuring to know she was there for me and her support meant so much to me. With my previous therapist i could call at anytime and he would call me back during office hours if need be. It's always good to have a therapist that offers that type of support. Hugs, i hope your husbands surgery on Monday goes well and also know we are here on pc for you. Hugs
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