Crazy? Or just simple?

A few sessions ago T stopped doing EMDR with me and in a later session explained he did not think we had enough trust built up for it to work and be safe... so we went back to history and other odd stuff.
Last session at my request T came close and then Asked to hold my hand. After a few minutes of comfortable quiet I took in a really deep breath, almost gasp and I think it startled T. He asked what that was. In a much softer voice than usual I told him I relaxed, that was the breathing he wanted. He noticed I was MUCH more relaxed and open with him the rest of the session. We did talk about my hyper vigilance and he asked about playing some kind of game and did I ever learn to play at all.
We agreed to try play.
I am starting to wonder though if Tuesday I should ask when I first sit down if he can come close and hold my hand and see if that quiets me down again. Last session when he did it while still being relaxed and connected I did get all intellectual on him and explained what it was called/how it worked in energy work, statistics and physics... he looked at me a tad funny but I was still more relaxed and connected than usual.

I wish my therapist would hold my hand. I haven't touched anything that's not inanimate in a really long time.

I think if it helped you and he's comfortable with it, and it sounds like he is, there's no harm in asking him to do it again.

For me... that would be crazy and creepy. Had you guys talked about using touch in therapy before or did he just ask if he could hold your hand out of the blue?

I read some guidelines about using touch in therapy that were very clear about discussing it first, including what touch to use, the intended purpose or the physical connection, and how and when it would be used as part of the therapy. They stressed making it explicitly clear how, when and why it would be used in session.

You asked if people thought it was crazy or simple, and for me it is completely off-the-wall crazy. I would think your T was a creep who had very ill intentions.

I get that you don't feel that way though,. and it seems like it was helpful for you. Your experience is different to mine.

T and I have talked previously about touch. To be honest I have never had a T before that would touch me other than an end of session hug at my request.
I asked this T about 4 sessions in for a hug at the end of a tough session and he was excited I could ask (I have a long history of abuse from men and tend to be wary if not down right afraid of most men). Later I sent an email asking what he did when he got mad at a client because sometimes in session I was wanting to be closer to him or to reach out for him to hold my hand. The next session he asked if I wanted him to move closer, which I did, so he came to where I felt safe. When we started EMDR he asked if we could do the tapping rather than the eye movement or sound. I was excited but nervous about the idea. The tapping was very distracting as emotionally I wanted to explore the touch not do the EMDR. So we talked that through. Then we had a session where I got very, very vulnerable with him and could barely talk. He reached out and put his hand gently on top of mine and it was a breakthrough moment of connection for me. Since then he has held my hand two other times. Once when I was feeling vulnerable and last session. I still have a very hard time asking for it as other Ts had made it into something very shameful to want. So... while he does not ask first he does have permission and he is always very attentive to my breathing and body language when he reaches out. He also always checks in to see if it is OK and asks what his holding my hand that specific time is doing for me and how I feel about it.
Our first 5+ sessions he was amazingly cautious to not make me feel threatened knowing I was afraid of men and taking a big risk just being in his office. We talked about that too and which parts of it were helpful and which ones were appreciated (for showing concern, effort) but not needed). I have also shared with him that because touch was such a big part of all the abuse (either withholding it or improper touch) it means a lot to me that touch is allowed to be part of the healing process.
Oh, and last session when he asked what the touch was doing he got a very intellectual retort of energy science and pseudoscience and how that helped along with how it works for me. I have autism and there are a lot of subtle things other people can feel naturally that I don’t. Touch allows me to “hear” those things through my hands.

What I feel through touch



When T touches me he is very grounded (he does a lot of yoga, martial arts and meditation) and his energy is like a black glass lake I remember from my childhood. It is like his calm can absorb my anxiety without being altered by it... not a single ripple. His heart rate is slow the pressure is firm but not restrictive and he is quick to let go if I move. His hands are dry and cool and there is never any shake. If I stop breathing, pull back or fidget he lets go right away.

I start to be less hyper vigilant and start to relax, my breathing starts to match his. I worry less about what is going on around me.

Touch is also something very natural and normal for this T. He comes from what I would consider a touchy feely family and is that way with his wife, children and grand children. So it is something natural for him.

How on earth do you know how he is with his wife, children and grandchildren? I really worry about his boundaries.

This is in the other direction, as my T doesn't do any sort of touch beyond handshake at the end. But he's said he's not touchy-feely in his personal life either. (Which I could totally see...)

He is VERY protective of what he shares about his family. There are three pictures in his office that include family and they are all much physically closer and/or touching which you would never see in a family photo from my family. However, it came up that my mother did not permit me to be touched or held as an infant/child at all, not even when feeding. When he started to talk about an infants need for touch he could see that I was lost. He also used a few stories of interactions within his family to explain how touch is normal. He stopped when he saw me get visibly frightened by the idea.

Later we talked about mutual experiences. Shortly after our first session he had a new grand baby born and had to cancel our session. Then a couple weeks later my great grandson was born. So he also talked about why it had been important for him and his family to gather around his new granddaughter and talked about what he saw in the pictures I had shown him of me and my great grandson. How holding D close was natural for me and doing gaze and all the normal “stuff” parents and family other than mine do.


Also, not all the information I have was openly given to me although it is all publicly accessible.