Therapy is bs/wrong!

Good for you ! So now you live your life without therapist ? Like, you're cured ? Or just less uncomfortable ?

Sorry, the above post was meant to address you, PurpleMirrors. Just interested to hear how you are fairing now.

I’ve been out a year and I am doing immeasurably better!

I started a post on Trauma and Healing After Therapy in case you are interested. I truly believe the god-awful dynamics and repercussions ruined my life (for a while). I don’t like to encourage others to leave therapy, but for me it was absolutely necessary.

The main therapy i did was absolutely emotional prostitution. It was degrading and dehumanizing for me. Also for the therapist. I know this because of the way she reacted when i told her what it was really like for me. She had a breakdown and refused any further contact. She couldn't cope with the shame. It was such a clear illustration of how unhealthy the relationship was at its core.

I consider actual prostitution to be more honest. Therapy covers up its tawdry hustling with layers of BS and so many quasi-spiritual and quasi-medical pretensions. I mean, you are paying someone to pretend to take an interest in you, then you leave and another client comes in. What does that sound like?

It worries, disappoints, and saddens me to see that so many people have had (are having) less than positive results with therapy. Clearly, there are many types of therapists out there - I wish they all had the best intentions and sufficient training. I also know that what works for one doesn't necessarily work for others. I've been in talk therapy for years (with occasional breaks scattered about). Overall, I have had great experience with therapy and my therapist. In the past, I tried TMS, Art Therapy, and medications for depression/anxiety - those things didn't work for me, but I am aware that they work for others. I recently supplemented my talk therapy with a hypnotherapist, and that combination has been fantastic.

I still have much to learn and apply to my life and myself, so I'm not totally "out of the woods," yet. But, I do feel like I'm on a good path.

I genuinely hope you all can find something that helps bring calm and some level of happiness. Try various things if one doesn't work - you may just need to find the type of assistance that is best for you and your situation.

I wish I knew my way around... how do I find this post ?

...that sounds quite unprofessional... and surely not very good for you.

Mine reacted very calm and collected when I told her, even smiled. One point amongst others for her. But it means she can live with the unclear truth - I find it still very stressful, because this becomes my main topic with her - not what brought me to her.

Hi ForgetMeNot - read your post.

This morning I wrote you a reply which to my intense frustration disappeared into the ether & never made into your thread. So I’m going to try again to say essentially the same thing

I had to try many many different therapists until I finally found one I really clicked with. I had always had problems getting along with people and she helped me in a respectful way to work on this. My therapy ended up being kind of like a beta test site where I could work on my relationship issues in a safe environment. When we finally terminated it was my decision because I was ready, and we parted on excellent terms. So, since I finally had had a successful experience building a relationship with her, it gave me the tools and confidence to start doing the same out in the “real” world.

So that’s how it finally worked for me. I’d definitely call it a success. AT LAST.

Good luck to you as well. 🙂

i beleive this is the post PurpleMirrors is referring too:
Therapy Trauma, Healing and Starting Over

I implied this to my therapist once and she went absolutely ballistic. I think it’s because there’s truth somewhere in it. I don’t know that everyone uses their therapist how I was using mine, but I can fully aknowledge at this point that the creepiness in the arrangement may have been coming from me.

I feel this. I've changed so much since therapy. I have read loads of posts here and elsewhere and I see so many similar patterns, I really don't see therapy the way I used to anymore. It's why I had to stop going. I need to find myself again.

Nor do I. I think that sounds like a wonderful plan. I found the most growth and strength after stopping.

You say you've been going to therapy for five years with no benefit at all—do you have specific goals in therapy? What benefits are you looking for? Or do you have issues you're working on? I wonder if you might do better with something more structured and less relationship-focused.

I now see vulnerability in the context of the artificial asymmetrical therapy relationship as totally inappropriate. The therapist does not model openness or share in it. Quite the opposite... they are creepy and opaque voyeurs. And meanwhile there is implied pressure on the client to expose all. Quite frankly it was something like emotional rape.

Just reading this thread and wondering. How did you manage to stop caring about your Ts? How did you un-attach when you were so attached? I think I’m too deep in now....

It's interesting, because I spent 4 years with my current T feeling pretty obsessive etc as you describe (though I was also making massive positive changes in my life at the same time) then recently, for no apparent reason, I don't miss him as much between sessions, I dont hang on his every word, I dont feel like I need him all the time. Not sure what has shifted but its been like that for a month or so. Therapy is still good, and I still feel the connection feelings in therapy, but the dependency has shifted somehow.
A therapist (not mine) once assured me my feelings towards him would change in time. He said "we all have different dependency needs at different times in our lives. That's okay. And dependency needs change. They just do." And I feel like I'm experiencing that now. I still need therapy as there are things I still need to work on, and I'm not ready to leave my T yet, but there is a definite change and things are no longer painful.
I think one thing that has allowed me to fully feel and move through these feelings is my therapist's 100% acceptance of them, and the fact I know that I genuinely do matter to him. Without that, it might have been harder.

And that didn't happen for me, with the therapists I saw.

There is no way I could have been able to tell that about the therapists going in, though. And the consequences of therapists not being able to finish the job is horrible, on the client. None on the therapist. That's why I think the burden needs to be on the profession to accept more accountability for preventing bad outcomes. They probably aren't going to do it on their own, unfortunately, so that means some kind of social action by us who have been harmed. Which is so hard to do, unless we are able to overcome the effects of bad therapy somehow, on our own.

It's been almost 3 years for me since the last therapist terminated me and I did not go to her recommended referral. I'm doing some better. I may be finding myself somewhat. It's still an enormous struggle.

It is also my experience that the dependent feelings will change. I remember a time where I was barely able to wait for my next therapy session that most of the times was already on the next day (psychoanalysis). I don't experience it for a long time already.

My understanding based on my own experience is that this dependent period has to be gone through in order to be able to work on other issues that are inaccessible during the dependent times. Later, there is of course also dependence but it's different. It doesn't feel obsessive. It's more like I am dependent on this person to help me grow, which is totally why I have hired him in the first place. Like I am dependent on my dentist to fix my teeth or whatever similar. It does not feel like obsessive dependence but it seems to me that this dependence might in reality be much deeper than the obsessive dependence. Because now I really have to put trust into my T and depend on him to help me, whereas previously I did not trust him very much and in reality I did not really rely on him but I just felt very obsessed-dependent.

The problem with therapy is that it cannot be really taught. It is learned via personal experiences both being a patient and working with patients, both with and without supervision. I don't see any way to teach relevant concepts in classroom other than only superficially. Similarly it is not possible to teach parenting in classrooms. Yes, someone can try but it just falls short because if people don't have the experience about what they don't understand then they don't even know that there's something they don't understand. Similarly, to my mind being a good teacher or a good academic supervisor cannot be taught. Yes, it's possible to teach some basic concepts and frameworks but other than that, it's all about life-long learning from your own experiences from either side.

I understand that your experience is different to what most of us share in this thread but to me it's because you go in therapy less focused on relationships and more on just recounting your story. i think you come from a much more balanced place than lot of us who don't know our worth or value. I think thats when therapist validation takes the central spot in therapy.
I think those who struggle with loneliness or low self esteem easily get caught in a trap of this strange arrangment. its almost like a quick fake fix because we dont have to concider any of the social norms of mutual interaction, the limitations of every persons attention spam and patience or their prejudice. All of the sudden the spotlight is on us and we can explore all those irrational, needy, self-induglent ideas and it creates dependency because what is normally not ok in real life suddenly become ok in the room. Even though I know this is a service I pay for, it makes me disatisfied that I can't recreat it in real life.

I'm with you with the criticism of that setting. It's true that this setting is necessary to enable the person to start talking and exploring those irrational and needy parts of themselves.

However, it shouldn't end with that! And perhaps this is where some/many therapists err. The process has to go beyond the validation because it's not the validation that heals but the better understanding of yourself, better agency, better ability to make choices for yourself and all this brings along better self-esteem, security and trust in the world, better relationships.

The work of the therapist is not to make the patient feel good - the work is to find a way to enable to person to feel safe enough in therapy sessions to explore different parts of themselves - a process that is typically very painful, and the validating stance is important here. But it's really not the end goal itself. It has to go beyond that for the therapy to be effective.