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SummerTime12
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Default May 21, 2019 at 06:29 PM
  #21
I have exciting news!! I was offered 2 jobs and accepted my top choice today! This will help us out SO MUCH. On top of that, I found out that my husband’s work provides us with a card to cover up to a certain amount of out of pocket medical/behavioral health expenses. So I will be able to continue seeing my t!

To help us get through til our next mortgage payment though, I have been dog-walking fo a few months as @H011yHawkJ311yBean suggested. I also babysit when I can (I was a nanny for a long time).

Regarding my husband, I appreciate all the comments and support. I don’t really know what to think about it right now, but I want you all to know I’ve read each comment and will think about everything. I’ll probably bring it up to my t now that I’m seeing him again soon (unless he’s booked lol). Also, my husband doesn’t drink or so drugs so it’s nothing related to that. Could be something mental health though, but he doesn’t want to see a therapist. I have a feeling that maybe I’ve made him sound worse than he is here due to the responses, but I can’t be totally sure so I guess that’s where my t comes in. I don’t want you all to think it just went in one ear and out the other; I’m definitely giving it thought. I just think it’s possibly more of an anger issue than anything. He’s really supportive of me in other ways. Idk. It’s so hard to explain. I also did a lot of reading on emotional abuse after I broke up with my ex who fit the description to a T, but it’s like.. my husband matches some of those characteristics maybe 10% of the time? Which is why it doesn’t feel like it’s truly that, because then where do you draw the line? When does mistreatment become abuse? These are all just my thoughts as I try to process this.
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Default May 21, 2019 at 08:03 PM
  #22
Congrats! So glad you got a job!


Regarding your H, just wanted to say that depression can sometimes present itself as anger--happened with my H. So if this is a more recent development, that's something to consider.
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Default May 21, 2019 at 11:59 PM
  #23
Yes, as I mentioned, there could be a physical or mental health issue. My mom had a lot of difficulty with emotional dysregulation, and she has ADHD. I know for me I have the same but not as extreme.

But yes, depression/anxiety can make a person’s emotions all over the place, or make someone more irritable. I just wish he could count to 10 or something, or go punch a pillow, or walk into a different room or something for a few minutes rather than blame you or call you rude names. When a person becomes ill it’s understandable to be angry at the situation: it’s scary to see a loved one suffering. And then, sure, there is the money thing. But that can’t be blamed on anyone either, that happened because of the situation. If it was a car accident, flood, or some other unfortunate event, same idea. But your T can help with that, like you pointed out.

I am really happy to hear you can go see your T again and that you got that job! Way to go! Wow! All the good stuff came at once! My life is falling apart Woohoo! My life is falling apartMy life is falling apart

Now you can take a few breaths, eh?
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Default May 22, 2019 at 09:36 AM
  #24
congrats on your new job, I hope everything turns out well for you.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 09:41 AM
  #25
Sometimes verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse.

You said, "stupid, dumb, and selfish is the worst it gets." That is abuse!

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. You can leave the room, go outside, go for a walk, come back when both of you have had time to cool off, and hopefully, have a discussion about the issues, rather than name-calling. You might suggest that he get a therapist, too. I know that's more money, but if he has trouble controlling and/or expressing his anger, that's a red flag, imho.

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Default May 22, 2019 at 11:12 AM
  #26
Congrats on the new job! HUGS Kit

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Default May 22, 2019 at 11:22 AM
  #27
Such fantastic news!! And so glad you'll be able to go over things with your therapist and get that support.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 11:41 AM
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerTime12 View Post
I have exciting news!! I was offered 2 jobs and accepted my top choice today! This will help us out SO MUCH. On top of that, I found out that my husband’s work provides us with a card to cover up to a certain amount of out of pocket medical/behavioral health expenses. So I will be able to continue seeing my t!

To help us get through til our next mortgage payment though, I have been dog-walking fo a few months as @H011yHawkJ311yBean suggested. I also babysit when I can (I was a nanny for a long time).

Regarding my husband, I appreciate all the comments and support. I don’t really know what to think about it right now, but I want you all to know I’ve read each comment and will think about everything. I’ll probably bring it up to my t now that I’m seeing him again soon (unless he’s booked lol). Also, my husband doesn’t drink or so drugs so it’s nothing related to that. Could be something mental health though, but he doesn’t want to see a therapist. I have a feeling that maybe I’ve made him sound worse than he is here due to the responses, but I can’t be totally sure so I guess that’s where my t comes in. I don’t want you all to think it just went in one ear and out the other; I’m definitely giving it thought. I just think it’s possibly more of an anger issue than anything. He’s really supportive of me in other ways. Idk. It’s so hard to explain. I also did a lot of reading on emotional abuse after I broke up with my ex who fit the description to a T, but it’s like.. my husband matches some of those characteristics maybe 10% of the time? Which is why it doesn’t feel like it’s truly that, because then where do you draw the line? When does mistreatment become abuse? These are all just my thoughts as I try to process this.
Congratulations on the job. I know that's a weight off.

Regarding your husband: He may not be abusive as in always abusive which sure can make knowing how to approach the situation fuzzy.

I know you said he didn't want to see a therapist, but it sounds like he has a hard time handling his own fears, anxieties, etc., and it comes out as verbally abusive language toward you at times when what you both probably need is to be able to support each other.

Even if your husband won't go to therapy, this is an important dynamic to bring up in your own therapy because your therapist can help you learn to set clear boundaries about what kind of treatment you accept from other people and perhaps problem-solve a bit.

My husband went through a bit over a year of very out-of-character behavior that my therapist helped me see was very emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive; it was actually emotional blackmail. It was a reaction to his own stuff and really wasn't about me, but I was the "safe" target for venting his anxieties.

Fortunately, my husband was willing to also see a therapist. But the real change came from my own setting up of clearer boundaries about what I would accept and realizing how I had, without realizing it, enabled his behaviors simply because I was so "safe" and patient with him. But internally, it was tearing me up and creating additional issues in my own healing process.

My therapist helped me figure out how to set boundaries and "teach" my husband what I would and would not accept. Yes, he didn't like new boundaries at first (we hear a great deal right on this forum about how upset people get when boundaries change even when they are needed). My therapist told me there would be push back for awhile, and there was. But between my healthier boundaries and his therapy, in a matter of a few months, things improved.

I would say our relationship is on much firmer ground now and for the most part, my husband doesn't fall back into that pattern anymore. Every now and then, he'll slip a bit. It's been happening some this last few months because he's been in excessive physical pain, but the difference now is that I can call him on in (respectfully), and he responds with sincere apology and makes the needed adjustments.

Last edited by ArtleyWilkins; May 22, 2019 at 01:02 PM..
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Default May 22, 2019 at 10:02 PM
  #29
So I started to feel
Possible trigger:
tonight, and then I realized I actually wasn’t
Possible trigger:
. I don’t want to
Possible trigger:
, I just don’t want to feel worthless anymore and like I’m a bother to my husband. This is good for me though because even though intellectually I’ve been able to make this connection before (that I’m actually upset about something else and I’m just having an extreme reaction to it), this time my feelings were able to follow almost immediately and actually feel upset about the event that made me upset in the first place, instead of turning it all inward towards myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
Congrats on the new job! HUGS Kit

Thank you Kit!!

@coolibrarian, I almost always attempt to walk away during an argument. He will follow me around the house and yell at me for trying to leave the argument. Sometimes he’s right and we actually do need to talk it out and I’m being avoidant, but a lot of the time I’m just trying to prevent us from fighting in the heat of the moment as I know it does no good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
congrats on your new job, I hope everything turns out well for you.
Thank you Anne2.0, I appreciate it!

@H011yHawkJ311yBean I definitely feel very relieved! It’s good to know things are moving in the right direction (financially at at least).
And I wish he would do those things too. That’s where I feel a therapist could help, but he says he already knows what he need to do and just needs to do it, so therapy won’t help...
@ArtleyWilkins, you’re right in that I really need to share all this with my t when I see him. I feel like sometimes I don’t let me see the whole picture of how my husband treats me because I’m sort of embarrassed/ashamed and also don’t want my t to think badly of him.. or on the contrary, think I’m too sensitive and just complaining too much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Congrats! So glad you got a job!


Regarding your H, just wanted to say that depression can sometimes present itself as anger--happened with my H. So if this is a more recent development, that's something to consider.

Thank you LT! Honestly I would not be surprised if this was related to depression. I really really wish he would see a t because I feel he has so much unresolved stuff from childhood that’s contributing to this significantly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by arielawhile View Post
Such fantastic news!! And so glad you'll be able to go over things with your therapist and get that support.
Thank you! I’m really glad to be able to continue with him also!
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Default May 23, 2019 at 08:59 AM
  #30
Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerTime12 View Post
I just don’t want to feel worthless anymore and like I’m a bother to my husband. This is good for me though because even though intellectually I’ve been able to make this connection before (that I’m actually upset about something else and I’m just having an extreme reaction to it), this time my feelings were able to follow almost immediately and actually feel upset about the event that made me upset in the first place, instead of turning it all inward towards myself.
I think this is a really important recognition for you. And although it's standard psychotherapy trite b.s. to say "nobody can MAKE you feel anything," I would suggest perhaps this is a sign that this relationship is not right for you, no matter how you label his behavior.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 09:20 AM
  #31
There is a book called The Hidden Job Market. It’s main focus is to go directly to employers rather than using job boards. Look on the website of large organizations in your area and find jobs there. The competition is a million times less. I got my last job that way.

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Default May 25, 2019 at 10:16 AM
  #32
Get a roommate. Roommates.com

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