T is Pregnant

After having to cancel my session yesterday and rescheduling the session last minute for today, my T told me she was pregnant which is why she had to miss my session. I don’t know how I feel right now. Thankfully, I don’t really experience any maternal transference with her, which I’m really glad about. However, since finding out, I do feel way more alone. I don’t know what it is about current T having a baby, but this is really making me miss Ex T. This is going to sound odd, but while I was seeing Ex T, I’d have other less intense attachment figures I’d talk to her about - I’d tell her about how I felt jealous and sad if they were having a baby. And then Ex T would start acting jealous towards me - as if she was sad I wanted someone other than her to be my mom. I know this sounds really complicated, manipulative, and maybe bizarre, but right now, I am most sad about not being able to talk to Ex T about current T’s baby. Normally, I feel like this would be the kind of situation that would make us closer - I’d tell her I was jealous, she’d get jealous towards me, we’d get in a big argument, I’d then feel wanted by her, and then I’d manipulate the situation and say something like “Oh T, I’ve actually wanted you to be my Mom all along... not her.” And then she’d get all teary eyed, tell me how honored she felt that I’d want HER to be my mom, and then we’d hug.

To be totally honest...

I am sad that my T is pregnant because I can’t use it as an opportunity to manipulate Ex T and make her jealous. I feel alone.

I feel like a terrible person for saying all that out loud and I feel like an even more terrible person that my intentions are so dishonest and selfish, but this is how a really feel and I felt like I had to share it and get it out somewhere. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually be able to share this with current T because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me talking about her baby/pregnancy and I also don’t really think I can show her the craziness that is my brain.

Your ex-T sounds real bizarre and badly in need of her own therapy if she behaved the way you described.

About you T's baby, I hope you have enough time to make arrangements while she is away. Maybe talk to her about all these feelings and impulses it caused you.

I keep having memories/flashbacks of things she did and it’s really difficult for me because some of the things just don’t make sense. Another example is when I asked her to hug my stuffed lion (as a replacement to her taking the hugs away) and she seemed so giddy about me asking her, as if she was glad I was still dependent on her - she wanted to know where I kept the lion and if I slept with it. I know I’m drawing conclusions as to why she asked these questions as perhaps she really wanted to know how it was benefiting me, but in the moment it just felt like I was making her so happy. It felt like she wanted to be important to me in that way, which is so confusing as to why she left. It feels like I always meant more to her and that was just an unspoken truth based on how she acted around me, but on the surface, she still needed to treat me the same as everyone else by doing and saying all the right things. With current T, I am working towards being okay whether or not I ever get the real truth from Ex T. In an ideal world, Ex T would explain to me why she acted the way she did - she’d say that her own insecurities got in the way, but I doubt that’s ever going to happen... so I’m left wondering if my perceptions were really accurate. I just can’t think of any other reasons.