Disappointment in a good T

I think it is the amount of time and energy you spend on this and where you get with it. I definitely used my therapy more as a distraction than anything else and that was a big factor in why it wasn't helpful. I wish the Ts had pointed this out directly! Maybe one way you can approach what sounds to be a bit of being stuck is going back to the original problems, goals, whatever you brought you into therapy. Does this email thing relate to it in any way, or to any other issues you want to improv in your life? If not, it might be that you are using it as distraction to work on more important things. A motivation for avoidance can indeed generate strong preoccupations but can trick the mind to believe that the content of the distraction is important somehow, while what is more important is that it is a tool to avoid addressing other things.

If this rings true in any way, I would ask myself what it is that I am avoiding so much and create "issues" to cover them. People often say it is closeness and something about the relationship with the T, but I am not sure that is also not a distraction in many cases... while real life problems remain unresolved. I am not suggesting this is the case for you, just bringing up as something to consider when you feel disappointed.

I think feeling able to express your needs/wants and your disappointment in not getting them met can be a valuable part of therapy. It's a safe place to do that.

I don't think this is about your not considering him as a free agent like Anne mentioned. I think it's feeling free and safe to express what you want. It's not like you're refusing to pay him if he doesn't agree to email or something. I think some of the more valuable things I've gotten from therapy have been being able to discuss feeling hurt or disappointed or even angry at my T (or ex-T or ex-MC). Because I struggle with doing that in real life. And I've gotten better at it in real life from sort of practicing in therapy. From knowing I can express those things toward my T and that he won't go anywhere. Also that he could potentially become frustrated with me, and he's said he might tell me that, but wouldn't make me leave, we'd work through it. Basically, stuff I didn't really get in childhood...

What has recently happened to bring this back up for you again? Seems like perhaps something may have triggered something... that leads you back to this dilemma, or disappointment. What is feeling disappointed in this context providing you or trying to tell you?

Since this does seem to be somewhat curricular for you, there might be value in trying to map out the cycle.

But you said it yourself that here in PC you describe the issue in much more thorough way whereas with the T you seem to hold back, both your thoughts and feelings. No wonder then that people here are able to explain it better than your T. Perhaps if you gave to your T as much information about your thoughts and feelings as you give here, he would be also able to give better explanations?

Ok that’s fair. I think I want to have it all figured out by the time I see him because it feels weird and a bit like a distraction. So you are right that I don’t bring it up nearly as much with him as I do here.

This is a really good idea. I bet you are right that it is triggered by something but I’m not sure what that is yet. It may always kind of be there though, and maybe I just tolerate it better some times more than others.

Not in therapy, but in real life, once felt the underlying rejection feelings which my last T's behavior reenacted, and I was lucky enough to process them over the last 3 years, on here among other things, then a whole complex of disappointment and anger and longing has become more conscious. More "me", rather than split off, numbed out, and/or compartmentalized or whatever.

Having the cognitive interpretation of dissociated states and trauma has helped me tolerate the feelings, whether that interpretation is "real" or the only psychological interpretation that might help or not. It has helped me feel there may be some sense to the whole thing -- and then that has helped me tolerate and process the stuff.

So that, now, I hate my aunts, and I love them. I didn't know I hated them, before, that would have been a no-no. I think they can be awful, haughty b**s (as they learned in their culture and they are not alone in that). It would have been "bad" of me to think that before, worthy of their rejection and that of the society/culture generally. And to see myself as a haughty b**h sometimes, too? That would be awful, too. And. . .my aunts are people who have value in other ways and I love them. I may very well not see them again, in this life -- it's complicated, they're complicated, I'm complicated, and I love them.

That is how things have changed for me. Took time. "I", the ego, the intellect, couldn't make it happen and didn't understand how it could happen, because it hadn't happened yet, so the intellect couldn't see what happened until it had.

They don't explain the therapy processes partly because it's not good use of the time to intellectualize during your therapy sessions. Intellectualization is also a defense mechanism, which they don't want to strengthen. It's also so incredibly abstract, and he is remaining neutral rather than influencing your meaning of everything. You will create your own narrative of the experience in time.

There are several mental processing going on in the background that would not occur if he emails you back. Speaking of 2 key process leading to change you ask about--

It seems like you are experiencing intense guilt for having needs. Your ego learns to regulate itself through this therapy, and your superego is overwhelming you. These are processes as you implicitly learn that it's ok to have needs and assert them. This happens over and over until it becomes automatic. Saying--Lrad123 don't feel guilty,isn't going to change things for you. It's experiencing and managing the emotions over and over with your therapist's containment, support, and presence that leads to changes in these mental processes. Guilt can be really destructive to both relationships and life, so don't underestimate it. I don't know how it manifests in your personal life, but your posts are interlaced with extreme guilt. He's a nice guy, so how can you be mad at him. He doesn't allow you to focus on him, so you are left with trying to manage having needs and the guilt you feel. Do you think your focus on the other may have been a way you learned to alleviate yourself of guilt at a young age? Your parents may have been rejecting when you had needs of your own, which led to guilt. If you focused on them instead of yourself, such as trying to make your father happy, it may temporarily divert those feelings. That could be something to discuss with him. (Maybe you could check out some articles on guilt? Ten Things you Didn't Know about Guilt (As a side note, I've had guilt so bad it caused annihilation anxiety and recognize the guilt in your posts)

Your sense of self transformation is another rather dramatic mental process going on in the background. Your boundaries are really blurred with your Ts. You attribute your feelings to him-discomfort, is the one I'm thinking of now. That is a type of projection. You're also very dependent on him. What he says and does really impacts you tremendously. This again, is your psychological boundaries blurred. Anne's point about not recognizing his autonomy stands out to me though I see it differently. It's not that you did anything wrong-but you are not recognizing his separateness, which is the unhealthy dependency related to your sense of self (which will change through this therapy). He seems perfectly fine with reading your emails, but you are worrying so much about simply talking with him about your distress around it. That's what he's there for-let him be him! He is ok with this, he is making himself available to you to discuss with him so do it. Try to see him as who he is rather than who you expect him to be.

All this is very common-many people have this issue; well those whose parents didn't relate to to us like a separate person. That is one of the primary ways I distinguish the way your T works with that of other Ts who might email and otherwise give you what you need. The neutrality allows your mind to self correct these blurred boundaries and so then you will be a separate person who has autonomy and not disempowered by others.

I think these mental processes are occurring and it changes the way your brain works. The relationship is the vehicle for the change rather than central to it though it might seem like it's front and center. It is not-you are the center of it all. In fact, your T is interchangeable. It's not about him or why and how he emails...

Going through your whole life repressing a part of yourself that expresses your needs, asserts yourself, has the right to exist-that is something. One thing it leads to is resentment (and the 3rd quote above is on this path)-it becomes cumulative and then transforms to anger... You don't see it now but these mental processes are occurring in the background to change this. If T kept emailing you back, these processes would not take place.

I am also really glad he will respond when you truly need him, in those few circumstances. He is invested in you Lrad.

It seems so natural for you to keep struggling with writing email to your T, and not getting a response. It is a tough challenge to open up, and then feel snubbed, but even more confusing that he shows he reads your email thoroughly. His message is cloudy(?).

For sure, once it becomes this much of a flashpoint/ trigger, there is hardly any way for him to soften or back down . I wonder if he wishes he hadn't taken that stand?

Therapy is confusing. It feels so very strange to have someone be at once intimate and also setting drastic limits on intimacy within the same relationship and simultaneously. Therapy is like that quotation about genius being holding two opposing ideas in mind at the same time. You're supposed to say everything and anything; you're supposed to limit this to your 45 minutes. It is precarious once there is serious boundary negotiation, and feelings can get hurt.

The email issue is so difficult bc therapists vary so much in how they tackle the topic. To me, it is a bit precious to feel above responding to your clients. In both of my different careers, answering email promptly and thoughtfully was/is a must. When I taught high school, the rule for replying to parents was within 24 hours but strongly suggesting 8 hours. In my job now, I set aside about two hours a day for responding to communications from clients. T's are much more crucial than my role, so it seems like your T should be able to be responsive and attentive to you, especially as you feel consistently pushed away when you reach out.

Maybe it is a whole cloth policy he broke for you at first? Could he be worried about HIPPA/ being sued or quoted etc? Is he trained in a highly specific way? He might not tell you his real reason? Maybe he has a deal with his wife no work after work or a sick kid- could be anything . Is his practice super-full?

My T is very wedded to many parts of the therapy frame, and he definitely will not budge . He is empathetic to a point, but there is just no way that will affect what he does. I get so so sad that he will boot me out in tears at 45 minutes even if he pushed me very hard . There is nothing I could say or do to make him go over time ( that would not have severe consequences) . He trusts his training, and that it is important for both of us that he is reliable with time. Like you say about email, it isn't a deal breaker but it bothers me. It would become a deal breaker if he spent 70 minutes with other clients though. It hinges on my belief it is his theory of practice.

Whatever you are doing seems to me to be spinning your wheels that you just can't figure out why. What would happen if you stopped "trying to figure out why" and asked yourself different questions about this situation or just walked away from it and focused on something else?

I think maybe there's benefit to not looking inward in the way you have been, but considering who you are as a person in relationships with others. Why are you so interested in having an email connection with a T that you pay lots of money to see in person? Why do you see a connection as a response to email, rather than just being heard (because you know he reads your emails)?

So what's your fundamental problem in relationships with other people (rhetorical question, unless you want to share). From what you've shared on this board I would characterize it as the following (which may be completely wrong): you are a caretaker at work and at home, and in that role with your daughter and your clients/patients/whatever people you help you have positive relationships where people open up to you and see you as a kind, supportive person. In your marriage and in other egalitarian social relationships you share very little of yourself with other people, and it seems difficult for you to allow others to help you, although you are fine giving yourself away to others, just like you do as a parent and at work. In T you have had trouble sharing your life with your T even though it sounds like you long to have the kind of intimate relationship you read about in a recently published memoir by a therapist about her therapy. It seems like you want greater intimacy in therapy but are having trouble in sessions with making it happen, or at least quickly, when the reality is that it can take years to make real progress.

But intimacy isn't just about what you share, it's about the interaction and the connection in real time with real faces in shared safe space. What does it say about you and your desire for connection when you'd be satisfied with a 3 word response hours after you've poured your heart out in email? Why are you grasping for crumbs rather than going for the whole cake? I'm not saying this as a general rule for all time for all people, but it seems to me like the wanting of an email response is indicative of how unwilling you are to accept others' responses or reactions to your intimate disclosures. Why should you want so little back from someone when you express yourself? Why do you choose to be intimate in a way when you cannot possibly receive much back at all?

Maybe this is just a variation of keeping your T at arm's length, or you are scared of the deeper intimacy that you really want, but think you can't have. Again I freely admit this may be total and complete horse doo doo but on the off chance that something might be helpful, there it is. No response needed from me.