Disappointment in a good T

I don’t know how others get through life, but I tend to process things on my own and not really include others in things that are deeper and more complex. I probably came to therapy because this process wasn’t working so well in the face of some life crises. But the closeness that evolves in therapy is confusing to me. Sometimes it’s nice, but often it feels like a big pain in the neck to figure out how it’s supposed to work.

Last week we brought up his non-response to my emails again which, as some of you may know, has been a topic for quite a while. In my opinion he seems to give a different reason each time I ask why he doesn’t respond and none of them really make sense to me. This time he said, “because I won’t always be there.” I obviously know this already and am not sure what that has to do with his not replying to my emails. Given my history, I’d think that occasionally sending a brief reply might be a good thing. I tend not to ask for much. I understand not wanting to conduct therapy via email, and I understand that he’s not always available to reply, but sending a brief response to a bid for connection seems like it might be therapeutic. I don’t really even know that I need anything from him, but I think it might be nice. Is that so wrong? I guess I feel disappointed by his blanket statement that he won’t reply at all. I told him I thought his decision was a cop out and he was super nice about it which makes it hard to be mad at him. In my ideal world I’d like him to make the effort and take the risk of deciding when it would be useful to send a brief reply now and then. I fully understand that this could be complex and nuanced and difficult for him and that it’s easier not to do it at all. I also told him that at this point I don’t even want to convince him to change his mind because getting a reply wouldn’t be satisfying for me if I got it by strong-arming him into changing his mind.

Despite the fact that I don’t particularly like his decision to no longer respond to my emails, it doesn’t feel like a dealbreaker to me, but I do find myself coming back to this topic over and over again. In general I think he’s a good therapist, but I’m confused about this and am trying to process my disappointment. I guess part of it is that I can’t help but interpret it as him pushing me away a bit or thinking im not worth the effort. I’m already good at being distant all on my own, so it feels counterproductive and just like a big bummer.

Not sure what I’m looking for from PC, just trying to figure it out as usual.

Sounds like B/S to me. The fact that he won't always be there has nothing to do with whether he responds to your emails or not in the present time. If he does't want emails and won't respond to them, let him say so. If he does, and that's an acceptable way for you to communicate with him, let him say so. Sounds like a bunch of blowing smoke, to me. If you feel the need to email him, I'm sure you have a good reason. And I'm sure you're paying him well for his services, whatever they are.

He fully welcomes and reads my emails (I can tell that he has because he references specific details in them), but he won’t reply. He has clearly said so. I agree that his reasons don’t make sense though. Is that BS or blowing smoke? Or does he have the right to draw the line somewhere based on his comfort level? I believe he does have that right, but it disappoints me and I’m not sure what to do with that, especially because I think he’s a good T in many other ways.

OK, I misunderstood. If he has clearly said he won't reply to your emails but he will read them, then fine. He's stated his policies. As to why, apparently he's not going to say. Now, either you can live with that or you can't. Sounds like you're reasonably happy with him otherwise, so perhaps it's not a deal breaker even if you're not thrilled with that aspect. I don't know if this is his reason, but I think after while working therapists need to become pretty protective of their private, unpaid time, and need to set some boundaries. You may want to clarify with him, though, if he IS going to read them even if he's not going to respond. Then if it's OK to discuss the content in subsequent meetings.

((((HUGS))))

Did he used to reply and then later inform you he is stopping?
I think at some point I read here or elsewhere that we can rely on those replies from therapist as a quick fix and this deepens dependency. It's this instant gratification or validation that can be addictive. I think the reply feels good in the moment but we can become overdependent on it to regulate our mood.

Few thoughts come to mind:

You say that you tend to progress things on your own but then again you quite often discuss and process things here in PC. It looks like a bit like a contradiction to me and I obviously don't know what it means but that's just something that caught my eye. There's of course also a context why it caught my eye. I am also someone who has always processed things alone, which makes processing them in therapy with someone else very difficult. But I have very rarely felt the need to come and process my stuff here in PC because I suppose I don't believe the people here would have anything useful to say to me anyway. I'm not saying to judge either way as good or bad, but just to point out that it doesn't look to me that you always process things alone.

My experience and understanding about long-term therapy is that the important stuff will reveal themselves precisely through repetition. I'm pretty certain that everyone in the long-term therapy has some topic that comes up repeatedly again and again. I certainly do. This topic doesn't look like "problem" per se but the very fact that it comes up so often (almost every session) means that it is in some way related to the very (and probably most) important problems in my emotional life. For you this topic seems to be the email-business. I would suggest not to discount it as some side topic but treat this topic and your own feelings surrounding it with respect. It's possible that discussing this topic until it doesn't feel relevant anymore is something that allows you to make a lot of progress in therapy.

Regarding these discussions about email, do you carry on with these conversations when he answers you or do you stop there? If he told you that he will not always be there, did you tell him that you know that but why couldn't he answer sometimes when he is there? What did he answer to that?

As to why the T's says a different reason every time, my guess is that he is responding to you based on his feeling and not based on some ready-made logical-rational response. I'm making an assumption here (based on how my own T operates) but let's make that assumption right now. When he is responding based on feeling then it means that he is emotionally there with you and following you and the response stems basically from two things: obviously from the fact that he stated such a boundary but secondly based on his reactions to the emotions in the room right now. As the emotions can be different every time then the explanation can be also a bit different. It doesn't mean that the thing he said last time wouldn't be right but that particular aspect might not be salient at this moment.

When he is able to follow your feelings well enough then his responses should start to make sense, maybe just for a moment at first and I remember you telling that sometimes his response has made sense in the moment. It's natural to forget it and come back to it repeatedly. Making sense of it so-called globally, so that it would stick, takes time and lots of repetitions. A more interesting question though is: what is this problem in your life or personality that the email-saga addresses? Because I'm pretty certain that there's something very important behind it.

"Given your history", you didn't get the connection you want/needed growing up? And did you feel, as a child, that you weren't worth people's effort?

Sounds like your T may be frustrating your wish/impulse for more connection (with him, right now) but still conveys that you're worth the effort?

Yes, he replied for a year and then stopped replying last October. I think one of the many reasons he has given includes what you’ve said about the reply feeling good in the moment but not helping long term. I’m just not sure that I agree.

You are right that I have come to PC to help process things and it has been helpful. I do like processing things with others, but for whatever reason don’t tend to do it face to face with the people in my life including family and my husband.

I have many more conversations about the email saga on PC than I do in person with my T, I think because I find it embarrassing and it sort of feels like we’re beating a dead horse. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. So, I respond a bit to his replies about it in session, then tell myself it should be enough, but later on I end up stewing about it on my own. It bothers me that it’s an issue that keeps popping up. I just wish I understood why.

I had also come to the conclusion that his decision to no longer reply is based more on his gut feeling rather than logic which is maybe why his reasons don’t make sense and why his reasons seem to change. He is good in other ways and has shown me that he’s there for me in other ways so I’m not sure why it feels like this matters so much.

Yes, all of this is probably spot on. Now I wish I’d just get over it and move on!

Because it seems that this issue somehow encodes important issues in your life. Don't discard it so easily. It keeps popping up because it is important, although you may not understand yet what does it encode. But it seems that this is precisely where important therapeutic progress can be made.

I imagine it's also because it was a unilateral decision. It's not like he discussed with you how to best handle it. Did he ever ask you what exactly you get out of the email responses? Because for me sometimes it's just good to know I've been heard. Like even if my T just said, "Thanks for sharing, let's discuss Thursday" (which he's done before). You might know he's reading them because he'll mention them in session, but for me there's something about an acknowledgement of the email itself. I think maybe you asked him for that and he still said no?

I recently had a discussion with my T about whether he'd ever stop replying to my emails, particularly if I seemed to be doing better. He said he wouldn't, that he'd feel wrong about taking away something he'd offered in the beginning (though he does charge for his time if his reply takes more than 15 minutes--that's happened maybe 5 times, but those are quite long though!--or if I were to send him more than a certain number of emails, but I've somehow managed not to hit that level yet). He did say the wording of his response might change. Like if it was a situation that he thought I could handle, he might say something more like, "Sorry you're struggling. I know you can handle this, as you've gotten through it before." Or something to that effect. Like more "You've got this!" as opposed to more direct reassurance (maybe that wasn't the best example).

I have found my need to email him decreasing lately. In the sense that I might be really upset and want to email him, then I think, "Maybe I'll see how I feel in the morning." Might type something up and have a waiting period. Sometimes I do still send them (and I sent a pretty long one recently, but some stuff he'd said in session had upset me--the stuff on forgiving my mom), but I generally try other things first. And I tend to mention that in the email, like that I had talked to H or a friend (usually an online one) about it, tried listening to music, etc.

This might seem counterintuitive, but knowing my T will respond, generally within 24 hours (usually sooner) often makes me feel less of a need to email him. Whereas ex-T rarely responded, and ex-MC was maybe 50-50 (though sometimes required second email or text to get him to reply), and I never really lost the urge to email them (though I stopped for a while with ex-T when she told me my emails were too long). So maybe that could be something to share with your T? Because there is likely some element of "maybe he'll reply to this one?" when you email. And if he just sent something, even just "Got it" or "I heard you" in reply, perhaps that would help?

Another thought is, if he'd consider replying to ones if you said "reply requested," but then others, you could send and just say "no reply needed, we'll discuss in session."

I wonder if you use email and canceling sessions and other things outside of session to avoid pursuing closeness and depth within them. And the sessions and the process surrounding them, whether that's email or text or saying goodbye in the waiting room, or whatever, belong to both client and therapist. I don't subscribe to the prostitute model of therapy, where the therapist has to do and say or deal with whatever the client wants. You don't have to take care of your therapist, and he's not trying to control what you do. He's told you a million times you can write whatever you want and he'll read it, he just won't respond. Your lack of consideration for him as a free agent in this relationship is telling. I think it's worth looking at. It sounds like you had the kind of childhood where emotional neglect gave you little choice about what you got back from people, which was probably overall very little. And now perhaps your relationships are characterized by asking for very little, but also not allowing people to give you much back-- the other side of the coin of what you're doing with your T. It is still a constriction of the other person on the other side of the relationship. So I would say, probably something I've said before to you, perhaps less focus on what he does and more inward focus on understanding yourself and sharing yourself with him. Maybe you're terrified of what you'll get back from him if you actually share you life with him and let him get to know you. Distracting yourself with b.s. is a good way to do that.

It’s interesting that some on PC have said that because this topic keeps coming up, there may be something important there and I should talk to him about it, yet others have said it seems like a distraction and I should move away from it. They both make sense to me. I wonder which it is?

I appreciate your thoughts, but am not sure I understand what you’re saying. Wouldn’t my sharing how I feel about the email non-responses be considered “a more inward focus” on understanding myself? Or are you saying it’s a big distraction? I mean, I am not trying to get him to change his mind at this point, but am fully admitting that I’m overreacting and trying to figure out why. That seems inward focused to me. Do you disagree?

This is people pleasing. You also said in your other post it's difficult for him. I could be wrong, but I highly doubt its difficult for him. He's likely done this before, many times.

You keep trying to make sense of the email decision, which is a distraction from working through your inner issues you noted earlier: "...that I can’t help but interpret it as him pushing me away a bit or thinking im not worth the effort." This is exactly the kind of stuff to talk with him about to resolve this. I don't think he is/will be uncomfortable, but am guessing that you are the one who is uncomfortable.

Don't feel embarassed about the topic coming up or writing a out it here or being uncomfortable sharing with him. It's not easy being in the spotlight if you have always been other focused.. All these feelings are important to explore. If you keep focusing on the email decision rather than your inner world, it will continue to have power over you.

I think it's both. I would agree that the email issue seems like it must be the tip of an iceberg. Right now it seems like you get frustrated over the email issue without looking below the surface of it, so it is a distraction. At the same time, if you really examine the email issue, maybe you'll start to see the iceberg.

I also wonder whether it might be worth trying to take your desire for email contact and transfer it to your family or friends. It probably depends on why you're emailing, but I'm guessing on some level there's a desire for closeness or attention that you could at least partly fulfill elsewhere, and in a way that might ultimately strengthen those other relationships.

I don’t think my last post explained things so good, so I highlighted your patterns I was referring to. Rationalizing is a defense to avoid feelings. I listed your pattern of using rationalizing in bold. Red is your feelings, which is the content of this type of therapy and how you work through this. You keep trying to understand—to rationalize—the email, which prevents you from processing the feelings—the red--and moving forward.

Your words show a lot of conflict, too, and pressure from your superego, which impacts how this plays out.

ItÂ’s not a bad thing at all-itÂ’s just part of the process. ItÂ’s just sooo slow. You donÂ’t want your defenses to just disappear overnight. I wouldnÂ’t worry about rushing it, but if being stuck here bothers you, you could try to discuss more of the red both in and out of session (but especially in session) and not focus so much on the bold.

I would imagine you did this growing up in terms of your parents and how they treated you, trying to 'figure it out' rather than feel the emotional pain of not mattering.

Thanks for your thoughtful response as usual. I just don’t understand how this is supposed to change. You explain it well, but he never does. At the end of our last session he agreed that he’d be there with an email response if I “ever *really*needed him” which of course I never will. I feel guilty because it feels like I forced that response out of him which was not my intention. It just happened.

Yes I think you’re right but it’s hard in a way to be in a relationship with others without being the one who’s caretaking, I think. The therapy relationship is unique because it’s really the only place in life that’s all about me, the client.