Therapist's temporary move is permanent

You know what feels so weird, too? Therapy feels artificial. Therapists give you unconditional and undivided attention, warmth, and care during the 50-minute meeting. Aside from an infant-mother relationship, no other relationship mimics such attunement. Therapy is a set-up and a trap. It sets up the patient to feel attached to and dependent on the therapist. After all, who doesn't like such one-way, undivided, and non-judgmental attention, warmth, and understanding from another person? But when the patient becomes attached to the therapist - because who doesn't want such attention(?) - the patient is seen as neurotic, pathological, or having unresolved childhood issues. I think that even a perfectly healthy person would grow attached in such a relational set-up.

I'm sorry this happened. If you want to stay with this T, I hope there is a way for you to do so. HUGS Kit

For me, yes, accepting the disappointment was an essential part of what I feel can and should have been a part of therapy from way back. . .Instead, the therapists acted out, as well as me -- I take no responsibility for acting out back then, because I did not have response-ability. The responses were largely dissociated or unconscious. Perhaps the therapists didn't have response-ability either -- then, in my book, still they shouldn't have been therapists. But the therapy profession takes no responsibility (different word, that's a topic for another thread, maybe) for training and monitoring and getting feedback and demanding accountability of those in the profession. There may be some decent T's out there, I expect there are. But I'm not going to try another. Maybe because, finally, I don't need to -- having experienced and tolerated and gone through the unbearable, seemingly unending pain and rejection and abandonment and aloneness? I can do it, I know what to look out for, somewhat, now.

Going through frustration, anger, and eventually disappointment has allowed me to accept a whole complex of things in me that were largely closed off, because frustration, anger, and disappointment were dangerous or "disallowed" in my family of origin. So -- maybe it's a good thing I finally experienced it? Except for the years and years of disorientation and confusion and panic and etc., etc.

More than 55 years in therapy, on and off, to get to that result? There's got to be a better way.

But since, here you are -- disappointed, abandoned, and betrayed, if I read you right, after 5 years with this therapist -- seems to me that you might as well take advantage of this blankety-blank situation, stick through it as best you can and deal with it. You can always try another therapist for some specific issues and not another long-term therapy, necessarily, if you want to try that.

Yep, I've read comparisons between the therapeutic and maternal relationship before, with the one-sidedness and caring. In fact, T talked about it briefly today. And Ex-MC said to me one time how therapy can be very seductive, in the sense that it's one person so attuned to your needs and listening so intently. Ideally though, T's wouldn't see the client feeling such things as neurotic or pathological--they should realize what's going on. Yes, they may see such clients as having unresolved childhood issues (raises hand), but that's something to work through in therapy.

@LonesomeTonight: Therapy IS very seductive. I am a schizoid. I am not supposed to be attached to any one human being. Yet I felt that my relationship with the therapist was authentic and real. They set you up to lay out your deepest feelings and thoughts to them while they respond empathically and in caring ways. But the cold hard truth is that it is just a job to them. If you cannot afford them, you are out the door. Did you guys know that early psychoanalysts like Freud tried to make psychoanalysis free? There's even a book called Freud's Free Clinics. But now, therapists charge over $100 or $200 for a 45-minute session. It's just not the same.

@here today: You were in therapy for 55 years and no therapist worked out for you? I have been in therapy on and off since 2008. All were crap except for this therapist - or so it seems - who I've been working with since late 2015. This therapist and I definitely have our differences, but she's quite okay. I'm finding her to be an intellectual and I need one who is naturally more empathic. The therapist said that she is both an intellectual and an empath. But she is beginning to say that perhaps I really would benefit from a therapist who is more one-sided on the empathic side.

Yes, disappointments in people are a part of life. Even the best of therapy relationships involve disappointments, where the T isn't there for you in exactly the way you need it exactly when you need it. Even the best of marriages or relationships are disappointments from time to time, because people can't always live up to their commitments and circumstances change. People aren't robots and life isn't static. The ground under my feet always feels like it's shifting. But as I get stronger and go after what I want more, the disappointments feel lighter and easier. Maybe I focus more on what I do have, not what I don't. But I'm kind of a hopeless optimist and positive thinker anyway.

Point is, how are you going to change given this change in circumstances? Maybe you don't need this therapist, you just need to do something different so you can afford to have a wider variety of therapists you can choose.

But then, isn't it great that you got attached despite not being supposed to get attached as a schizoid? So this therapy gave you a new experience after all, didn't it?

My knowledge is that Freud tried that but came to the conclusion that free therapy does not work. Money is not a simple thing and it has several functions but one of them is to balance the relationship - the patient depends on the therapist for support/expertise/whatever, the therapist depends on the patient for money. Also, people typically don't value things they get for free as much as they value things that they have to sacrifice something for.

Moreover, there are no free things in the world - if the therapist sees the patient for free then who pays for it? Because someone has to pay. Otherwise the therapist cannot see you at all because they have to earn a living doing something else.

@Anne2.0: I don't know. I'm schizoid. I can go weeks without talking to anyone; my record is four weeks. I didn't even hear my own voice during that time when I'm alone. It took so much time to open up to another human being. I let my authentic, real self out with her. I thought the work was real and important. I know her world doesn't revolve around me; I try to remind myself of that. You know what, though? The therapist hypothesize that for whatever reason, I came to know deep pain and suffering from early life. So that's how I structure my life and view the world. Some of you may remember that I have trouble understanding ideas about family and love. In my eyes, I see everyone as having the same, equal value and self-worth. Just because I have blood ties or emotional connection with someone or know them for a longer period of time doesn't mean that I "love" or "care" about them more significantly than I do a random stranger. Whether I "love" someone or not depends on whether they need it and are in great need of help. Say if a family member or a close acquaintance and a stranger is in need of help. Who I decide to help would be based on whoever is in the most pain or suffering and great need of help and that not helping that person would result in very sad, tragic consequences. Pain and suffering is all I see. And I see view minimizing pain and suffering as the greatest virtue of life. I feel that it's the wisest and virtuous thing to do. That's why I wonder, too, that given this line of reasoning, the therapist should move back here because her physical presence for patients would result in a greater decrease in pain and suffering. If there is more objective pain and suffering in Boston, then I understand her staying there. But by the sounds of it, her grandson may be fine. Even if her grandson is not fine, that is one life compared to 15 to 20 lives in another state where her patients are at.

@feileacan: That's the point. It was a mistake, a huge mistake to let her in the way I did. It was a horrible mistake that won't happen again with anyone.

That's your choice of course.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. If I were in your situation, I would feel very hurt and betrayed, no matter how good the T's reasons were, and I would have a lot of trouble trusting her in the future. People's lives can change suddenly and all that, but I honestly don't think I'd continue working with this woman. Especially considering that IIRC you have had trouble coordinating with her and getting any sessions at all since she moved. Maybe it's time to start looking around?

((mm)) I'm sorry. That is disappointing and disheartening, and I can see that the mismatch between her decisions and how she's communicating them and what you want and need and expect from her is incredibly disorienting.

I wonder if it might be helpful to step back from considering her intentions or trying to figure out whether or not she's been deceitful? She's a therapist paid to provide a particular service, therapy. At this point is therapy with this therapist more beneficial or more harmful to you?

I'm sorry she's not moving back. That really does stink.

I never found a therapist who understood me and who could help me resolve my stuff. That's what I was going to therapy for. Maybe you were going for something else?

If you view minimizing pain and suffering as the greatest virtue of life, what are you doing to relieve it? Your values, your choices. Other people get to have free will even if they are judged by you to be inferior human beings. Whatever line of reasoning you follow, it is for your life, not anyone else's. You don't get to choose for other people how they decide to live, or what they decide to do, or what their values are.

It seems that this therapist’s needs have taken precidence in your therapy relationship for at least a year now. It also looks like there was a bit of ‘stringing you along’ on her part.

I wouldn’t trust her either, and I actually do view this as a betrayal (though not one rooted in maliciousness).

She may have meant well, but it seems the grand baby, her academics, and everything else going on in her life has been taking center stage in your therapy and caused you uncertainty and distress. That wasn’t and isn’t fair to you. It sounds like you needed someone who was present and really there.

Many of us have experienced therapy disappointment, and though you can’t control this situation, you can control how you respond to it. You can find another therapist. You can try something else for a while. I’ve experienced absolute therapy devastation and have come out the other side - so I know first hand that it can be done.

I’m really sorry you’re struggling and hope you can find better help!

She shouldn’t have made empty promises to her clients who struggle with abandonment traumas and all that.
That’s messed up and has nothing to do with her right to move and make decisions for her life. She’s failing you and I understand your feelings completely

This jumped out at me, and is certainly the hardest part to accept. Due to the fact that your therapist has spent so long focusing only on your needs (at least till late), it must feel like she exists just for you and for her other clients. However, she has every right to live where she is most happiest. As a client, it is your right and responsibility to be accountable for your own welfare and wellbeing. Same goes for the other 15-20 clients. Therapy is not meant to be a life commitment and she isn’t tethered to all of you forever and ever. At some point, she needs to focus on what makes her happiest and that might be her grand baby even if it’s just one life compared to many.

It’s so, so hard reconciling our own place in our therapist’s lives. I so badly wanted to be a priority in my ex-therapist’s life, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Her needs will always come first, with family as a close second.

This is a good point. My T seems very careful in not making specific promises to me. He'll say "I have no intention of leaving you." But when I've mentioned certain things I'm concerned could happen, like if he chose to move, decided to focus solely on one of his current specialties, etc., he said those could happen, but he has no plans to move. Part of me wants him to just reassure me that none of theme will happen (well, he can't know about the thing in trigger warnings), but I also appreciate his not making promises he's not sure he could keep.

Yes your T sounds smart and careful and very ethical

Imagine if he said “LT I would give you a full year advance if I moved,” then a month later said he was leaving forever... you would also be “disoriented,” a mild way to put it

For people with cptsd and other attachment problems, this is a total nightmare that could deter them from seeking help in the future

Yeah. Otherwise we're talking about Mother Theresa. Personally, i would not want to be responsible for or beholden to another person planning their life around taking care of me? I already got enough resentment from my parents and brother for that to last me a lifetime.

I mean, really? As a chronic patient myself, i cant see your t saying, hmm, i have two choices - have a normal life with my grandchild, or spend my life trying to solve these puzzles over HERE, when there is a perfectly good set of puzzles to solve right next to my grandchild. Honestly, i cant even imagine what a normal life would be like.