Therapist's temporary move is permanent

I need to clarify one point that I remembered incorrectly.

When all this started, the therapist said that she might have to move to care for her grandson. She said that if that does happen, she would give all her patients one year's notice before moving. But circumstances changed and her one year's notice became one month's notice. She broke this news in May 2018 and left in June 2018. She said that she had every intention of returning.

From the gecko, I said to her, "The longer you stay in xxxxxx city, the more reasons you would have to not return." She said, "I'm not like that."

Can I say I told her so?

Even though her grandson still needs her care, that is why she is choosing to stay there, she also made a final decision to live there permanently for the rest of her life. My worst fear that I predicted all along in May 2018, came true.

The therapist said that after failing to meet her promise to give her patients one year's notice before moving, she didn't make the same promise again. This was my memory failing me on my part, so sorry folks.

That said, however, it still does feel like a betrayal. After all, she said that she's "not like that." I specifically told her that she would eventually find more reasons to stay there. She said no; that won't happen. But it did. I understand that her grandson needs her care. However, if he doesn't need her care, would she at least try to honor the earlier promise of giving her patients one year's notice? I know she failed the first time. But what was her intention of saying that in the first place? It sounded very principled. If circumstances allow, would she honor it even though she will be moving permanently at the end of the day?

A year's notice became a month's notice. A temporary move with her intention of coming back became a permanent move. She said that she's not like that in the sense that she wouldn't find more reasons to stay there aside from her grandson, but as it turns out, she did. How can I not feel betrayed even though "things change, and things happen?" If she didn't say these things so firmly, confidently, and reassuringly, I wouldn't feel as betrayed.

ETA: Here's the deal. When I said to her, "The longer you stay in xxxxxx, the more reasons you have to stay there and not return," she said, "I'm not like that." She said it so confidently. If she had said, "I don't know the future. Maybe I'll find more reasons to stay there. Maybe I won't. I don't know the future. But I remain committed to our work wherever I end up," I wouldn't feel as betrayed. She portrayed herself so confidently in certain way, but didn't live up to it. Of course I feel betrayed. If she didn't say "I'm not like that," I wouldn't feel as betrayed. I would feel sad, but I wouldn't feel this hurt and betrayed. Because as it turns out, she was, indeed, "like that."

The therapist is right now trying to pathologize my feeling betrayed as stemming from my childhood. This only makes my feelings feel more invalidated. I'm not unreasonable, woman.

If she said, "I have the intention of giving my patients one year's notice, but circumstances may not allow for me to do that," I wouldn't feel betrayed if she ended up moving without giving us a year's notice. I would feel sad by her moving, but I wouldn't feel betrayed.

If she had said, "Maybe I'll come to find reasons to stay in xxxxxx. I don't know the future. But I am committed to our work wherever I end up," I wouldn't feel betrayed if she ended up staying in xxxxxx. I would feel sad by her not returning, but I wouldn't feel betrayed.

If she cannot acknowledge how her delivery and words contribute to my feeling betrayed, and instead pathologizes it as stemming from my childhood, then it would be very easy for me to fire her as my therapist. Generally, I feel that if therapists genuinely made a lapse or mistake - because hey, they're human after all - it's important for them to acknowledge it. If they cannot acknowledge it maybe because they're prideful, blind, or for whatever reason, yeah, that makes me uncomfortable. It's so easy to put a patient's negative feelings as originating from the patient's past and childhood. But before pathologizing, it's important to acknowledge if part of the negative feelings come from something present in the interaction independent of the patient's past or childhood. Just because the patient feels betrayed doesn't mean that all their feelings of betrayal that they experience come from the past. That's a messed up way to look at things.

To me it sounds like you have every right to feel betrayed. You might have past experiences that make this more powerful for you than it would for another. But from what you say, she promised something and didn’t follow through.

How frustrating! You intuited, or knew, what she was like more than she knew herself!!

I suspect that most schizoids would find that somewhat incomprehensible? I sort of do, too. My late husband was schizoid. I don't think I am but I think I probably would have qualified for OCPD before I fell apart, and there are some similarities. My late husband and I understood the world pretty much the same way, and pretty much different from the way most other people seemed to understand it.

Sounds like your T presented herself to you as someone she wanted or thought herself to be, rather than who she actually was? Guess she may not have really known herself, either? But I disagree with the others -- I think she did have an obligation to follow through on her word and commitment to her clients. You can't make her do it, and if she's the kind of person who would do what she's done -- and apparently she is -- there's nothing you can do about it. Except change your view of her to be more in line with who she now has revealed herself to be. Some good, and some very not-so-good. Frustrating, and disappointing, for sure.

If you didnt have a messed up background, you would never have met her. So if a tree falls in a freakin forest? Yes, she still makes a sound by what she is doing.

Yeah; exactly. If she didn't make such confident, promising statements, I wouldn't feel betrayed. You may be right that I have past experiences that make this more powerful. I can't seem to link it to any past experiences at the moment, though, but it could be there. Before psychoanalyzing the relation to the past, though, it would be healing if the therapist could acknowledge her contribution. This is the first step. Second step would be talking about how I can trust her words in the future. The third step would be exploring if the powerful feelings have anything to do with the past.

I'm slow. What's the message here? LoL.

I don't know why she made those statements so confidently. I don't know if she was trying to be comforting in the moment and lost sight of reality. If so, I appreciate her kindness, but I'd rather her speak truthfully and realistically. I prefer the truth even if the truth hurts. Because empty promises that comfort in the moment only ends up hurting more when I find out that it's not true.

I don't expect her to keep her promise if circumstances don't allow her to. But when she said that she'd give her patients one year's notice, it sounded like it came from a very sincere and principled place within her. Even if she decides to stay in xxxxxx permanently, if her grandson no longer needs her care, I wonder if it's reasonable to "expect" - may be too strong of a word - her to honor the one year's notice. Because she couldn't keep her promise the first time due to circumstances. If circumstances now allow it, would she find way to honor it now?

Sorry. Her actions are hurtful, regardless? I mean, she is still going back on her word.

Well; yeah. But at the same time, what's the point of holding her to her words if they were never well-thought out or sincere?

I'm speaking with her this evening. I hope she can acknowledge that it wasn't a good move to make confident statements and promises and how it contributed to my feeling betrayed and let down. If she cannot do that and instead pathologizes it as stemming from my childhood, it's easy for me to fire her. LoL. @Salmon77 may be right that I experience this more powerfully due to the past. But before thinking about its relation to the past and childhood, the first step is to clear up what transpired between the therapist and me. Heck; if we can't even clear up what transpired between us, how can we understand it in terms of my past? If she cannot acknowledge her contribution, how can I feel safe with her and explore its relation to the past or childhood?

Ultimately, the relationship with t IS with a real person. Otherwise, what use is it? Her real person is one who is fallible. Yours is one who was failed upon in the past. Those conditions will almost certainly be true in any future relationship you have.

I have found that certain people, therapist or not, do not own responsibility. Often they do not think they are wrong. Pathologizing is an easy out for a therapist. Mine did it constantly, which only stoked more fire.

Have you thought about what you want from her, on a large scale? Do you intend to keep working with her? What would an apology achieve? Would you believe the apology?

I completely understand that your reaction would be different if she hadn’t thoughtlessly made those promises, and have no interest in lecturijg you that people “have lives” as if you are being unreasonable when your upset with her for breaking her promise to you, which she made in a professional context, is totally reasonable. That said there isn’t anything you can do except accept her choice and find a new therapist to help deal with it. I wouldnt try to keep it up with her long distance

@PurpleMirrors3: I hope to be able to continue working with her. After all, it's three years and six months of working together and she's financially affordable. I don't think an apology would achieve so much insofar as it's a humble, human thing to do when one erred. Whether or not I believe in the apology depends on whether she recognizes that it's valid for me to feel betrayed and let down by her not following through with her confident promises. If she cannot recognize it and continues to pathologize it as stemming from the past or childhood, there's no further work to be done with her.

To top this off, she said that I want from her more than she can give. Way to go in twisting it around, woman. I do NOT want from her more than what she cannot give. When she made those two bold promises, she created an expectation from her in me. When she couldn't follow through with those promises, of course I feel let down or betrayed. After all, she created those expectations with her promises. And because she said it so sincerely, it came across as a principled intention from within her. This is why I still wonder now, even if she decides to stay in xxxxxx permanently, if her grandson no longer needs her care, would she honor what she promised but could not fulfill the first time because circumstances wouldn't allow it then? If circumstances allow it now, would she go back and honor it? She created this expectation. Now she's pathologizing it and saying that I want from her is pathologically more than she can give. Be reasonable with me now, woman.

@blackocean: Yeah; I understand she has a life. I even said to her that I'm happy and glad for her that she finally made a decision and found xxxxxx to be the place where she's the happiest. I said to her that I know it hasn't been an easy period of time for her either.

She cannot give you the commitment that she made, the two bold promises that she will not keep. She cannot give you what you expect from her, expectations that she created in you with her (false) sincerity. She is defensive, she is fixed on her plan to do what she wants, despite the commitment she made to you (and possibly others), so being reasonable takes a back seat to defending herself and deflecting her responsibility by pathologizing you. She cannot do otherwise -- she is morally ill. This is considered "normal" by many. It's not a problem for them.

I think I can understand why you feel like you want to continue therapy with this person -- she promised a lot, she presented a lot, you fell for the image -- I have done the same thing, over and over.

But, given what now seems to be the case about the way this person is, it sounds to me like she may very well not want to continue therapy with you, and if you want that from her then she doesn't have it and is not very willing to try, despite the effect on you.

This is your value system -- it may not be hers. That's something I have had a very hard time learning to understand. When I had a value system that I thought was "right", then I thought that it was "right" for everybody, that everybody would agree and accept it. But, though value systems seem logical, at least to me, and they can seem like "the truth", they are not the same truth, apparently, for everybody, not in the sense that 2 + 2 = 4. This may seem obvious, but it wasn't to me. So I apologize if it's obvious to you already. But, if not, I thought it might be interesting.

"I'm not unreasonable, woman."
"Be reasonable with me now, woman."

As a woman, this attitude would cause me to cut off any desire to work with you.

LoL. According to the Bible, Jesus called his mother "woman." I'm not Jesus, but I learn from him.

I speak with her tonight. For now, I'm going to give her a benefit of the doubt that she is human and genuinely made a mistake of making two bold promises. If she cannot acknowledge that this was a poor judgment or err on her part, but instead, puts it all on the past and childhood, then yeah, I don't think I can continue working with her.