Therapist's temporary move is permanent

As some of you know the backstory, the therapist moved out-of-state temporarily June of last year to care for her premature grandchild. It was intended to be a temporary, one year move. But the therapist made a decision to stay there permanently. I found out in therapy yesterday evening. I woke up with a panic attack at 3am. I feel so disoriented. I feel like her words are all spinning in my head.

By the sounds of what the therapist said yesterday, it seems that she made the decision to stay there permanently independent of her premature grandson. She said that that city always felt like home to her and she always had plans to retire there. But that wasn't supposed to happen for a long time later - a time when she thinks we would be done with our work. Her permanent move there, though, has been expedited much earlier now.

What's making me feel disoriented is that I she moved for her grandchild - he was supposedly the determining factor. But as it turns out, she has a whole lot of other reasons. She mentioned feeling like that city feels more like home to her and that she was born there and wants to die in that city.

What's making me feel disoriented, too, is how it was only less than a month ago when she told me to know that if she does stay there, it would be because of her grandchild. But as it turns out, she is moving there permanently for reasons independent of her grandchild.

Yesterday, she said that she has collaborated an agreement do research with a hospital and psychoanalytic institute in that city and another hospital and psychoanalytic institute at the city I'm in where she worked before her move. Did she suddenly come up with this research collaboration with all four organizations in the past month?

Last year before her move, she said that she would give her patients one year's notice if she decides to move permanently. But she cannot honor that now. Not even a fraction of it. Not even for one month. It feels like empty promises. Empty reassurances. How can I trust her words anymore? If she didn't say that and say it so confidently and reassuringly while looking me in the eyes, it wouldn't feel so hurtful, disorienting, and as though it's a betrayal. She said that she thought a great deal about her patients in her decision. I don't see us in her decision? If she at least tried to honor part of the one year's notice, it wouldn't feel so disorienting.

The way she shared the news yesterday went like this, "I don't know how you're going to feel about it. I decided that I will live between two cities, but my primary home will be _______."

I think a more accurate way of putting it is that she decided to stay in _______ permanently, but will visit _______ occasionally.

In the past year, she had little to no control over when and how long she can visit. She has only visited three times, each visit lasting four to six days. She confirmed yesterday that this is the same arrangement for the following year because of her commitments. If she is back here less than 20 days in 365 days of the year, how is it living between two cities? It sounds more like she is living in one city and visiting another occasionally.

When she said she decided to live between two cities, is that just one of her empty reassurances again to make things sound nicer or more appealing than it really is? Because I don't think that visiting a place three times a year for four to six days each time amounts to living in that city. It's a visit.

All of this feels so violent. She left in one month last June after breaking the news. She said if she does stay there permanently, we'd have a year's notice. But we don't even get a fraction of it. What's so disorienting to me and giving me a panic attack is how her words don't add up to reality and her decisions. How to trust her?

But you don't have to trust her. Only you can decide if she is trustworthy to you or not and take your actions based on that. If you feel that you cannot trust her then that's the way things are - you don't have to (and you probably even can't) force yourself into trusting her if you really cannot do it.

On the other hand, she has her own life and has right to make decisions about her life according to her best judgement. She has decided to move permanently and if that decision feels right to her then there's nothing you can do about it. Of course you can be disappointed and rant about it to her and to PC but that does not mean that she as to change her life decisions because of that.

I'm absolutely not judging you because I think I can understand how it feels violent and disappointing to you. But I wanted to say that your posts come off as if you really think that she has any obligations to coordinate her life with you, give you thorough explanations about her decisions etc. It feels that you truly want to control her and then are angry that she does not submit. It feels like you really believe that she should submit.

Back up for a minute. I don't think she has any obligations. It just feels disorienting when she said so confidently and reassuringly while looking at me in the eyes last year that she would return for one year if she decides to stay in that city permanently. I believed her. But it seemed like an empty promise because she isn't even trying to honor it to some extent. Her words don't match her actions and decisions. That's what's disorienting to me.

Of course it can be disorienting and I'm not questioning your feelings. But the fact is that life circumstances change and people make decisions based on that and they have every right to make such decisions.

What is relevant for you is how can you cope with decisions that others make about their lives where you have no say. Based on your post, it's very painful for you if these things happen. But these things are part of normal life and an important goal for you could be to learn to tolerate and accept these things, so that they wouldn't hurt so much.

Her promise probably was quite honest in that moment and she most probably did not make that promise with the goal of braking it. Sure, it could be said that it was a mistake on her part to tell you something like this that felt like promise to you. But anyway, things changed and life changed and now things are different. This is something you have to accept, in one way or another.

As I said, if you feel that your trust in her is gone, that's totally valid too.

Maybe she thought at that time this was going to happen (returning for one year). The move was sudden and because of a stressful situation, so maybe she didn't have the rest of her life all sorted out right there. How about starting to search for a local therapist, if you still need one?

If you feel you've lost trust in her, then I think it's a good idea to look for a local therapist. Trust is an important part of the therapeutic relationship, and if that is gone, I don't see how you could effectively work together. And it seems like it went away when she initially moved to be with her grandchild and like you've been struggling with it since then. So I think looking for someone else might be the best option. I'm sorry.

Seems clear now that you can't trust her. I can certainly understanding your feeling disoriented. And that her change of position about the relocation is a betrayal. Seems like it clearly is.

Moving toward a new orientation, then. . .Did the trust that you had for her during your early therapy help you move forward with some stuff? If so, then that's one positive thing you can take with you into the future.

Personally, I am appalled about the following, in light of what she seems to think is appropriate with regard to her previous statements and commitments to her clients:

It speaks to me of the social and spiritual bankruptcy of the profession.

Appalling and disorienting seem somewhat related. Time for me to stop being appalled by those folks, probably. They are what they are, they do what they do, their ethics are their own, determined and justified only by themselves.

If someone were able to respond to the loss of the therapeutic relationship with the kind of balance, measure and understanding which you describe, it is likely that they wouldn't need to be in therapy in the first place.

I’m so sorry. That really sucks. Therapists are supposed to be trustworthy. We rely on at least that from them. Many of us have histories of unreliable caregivers. Therapy feels like it should be a restorative relationship, especially if we’re paying for it. No matter if she has the right to do so or not, she broke her word and that sucks. It especially sucks because of the uniqueness of the therapist-client relationship. Other people breaking promises doesn’t necessarily hurt as bad. I’m really sorry.

Absolutely! And paradoxically these situations give a very good opportunity to work with such issues.

I often get the vibe from these boards that successful therapy should be somehow pleasant experience and I totally disagree. Yes, pleasant experiences feel good but people are only inclined to move out of their comfort zones and really change something about themselves or their lives if the current situation has somehow become unbearable.

This makes some sense to me, though I would have likely disagreed with it a few years ago. I feel that my current T pushing me out of my comfort zone has helped me make more progress in my real life. I liked and often miss ex-MC's warm, fuzzy style--but I also wonder if it's related to not making much progress with him (both individually and our marriage)? Which is why I'd be concerned about switching to a warm, fuzzy T at this point--it would feel good, but would it help me make progress?

Back to OP, this situation does really suck, and I'd be reluctant to say "it's a learning experience." Lately, it seems your T just keep disappointing you. And I don't know if that's particularly helpful to your progress. Which is why someone else might be helpful.

My experience of therapy is that it is unpleasant and painful. I have also experienced growth and insight as a result of difficult explorations. I don't know how others feel, but I would not describe therapy as a joyous experience.

Of course difficult emotions are the nature of the work, I wasn't disagreeing with that. I was reacting against the blithe suggestion that the ending of a significant relationship can be neatly tied up, understood and filed away as "oh well, one of life's experiences".

... After having typed that, I am wondering whether that was actually the tone of your posting. I suspect that my critical voice might be projecting something onto your posting: that I should be better at therapy, have made more progress, be closer to being a person who can tidy, understand, file away. Huh. Anyway, I am leaving what I have typed with acknowledgement that it could be a misfire.

There's the emotional piece of it, where you feel what you feel. There's the cognitive piece, where it might be that you have some space to maneuver between the emotional and trying to see it a different way, and then there's the behavioral piece, which is what you want to do about it. I'm not clear from your post with respect to what kind of therapy is being offered to you in terms of how often, etc. I do recall from previous postings that this T offers you greatly reduced rates and perhaps you don't feel you have options to switch.

I think others have offered in this thread that there are different ways to interpret it. In my world and what I know of academia, collaborations do suddenly come together based on grant funding and personal relationships etc. And that people say things that are true in a place and a time but do not necessarily apply when life inevitably throws a monkey wrench in things. For me it was important once upon a time to let people off the hook and be less hard on them, hold their feet to the fire less often and with less intensity. For you this may be a chance to think about whether you might be occasionally a teensy bit too hard on other people, and that tends to drive them away. From what I see, your T has a right to arrange her working and personal life as she sees fit, for whatever reasons she chooses, and her patients/clients have to find a way to deal with it. Certainly I would hope she offers openness in being willing to discuss it as part of your therapy, but it is your therapy, and this should ultimately be funneled towards you and understanding whether you might benefit from some work in examining your own reactions to people disappointing you or letting you down.

I'm surprised that you read such a suggestion out of my post because honestly, I did not put anything like that into my writing. My post had no hidden meanings and I wrote exactly what I thought and as far as I know, I did not express such a suggestion (it wouldn't even cross my mind). I was just trying to point out something to the OP and leaving it completely up to him whether he finds it useful or not.

Could be, but that's ok. I, for one, am not a tidy person in therapy - I think I have raged more in my sessions then many people in this forum altogether. In that sense, the OP's rants are understandable to me, I believe. But having fully expressed all sorts of unreasonable feelings and expectations and experienced my T survive them explaining as much as he has felt necessary and definitely not submitting to me has somehow enabled me to reach a sort of calm I hardly imagine I otherwise would have obtained.

And that's precisely what I mean. If the OP finds that they can no longer trust the therapist who keeps disappointing them and decides to find someone else who is more able to offer what they need, then that's a progress compared to staying stuck with someone who keeps disappointing them over and over again.

This course of things would give the OP and experience that if circumstances don't fit their needs anymore then they can find better solutions for themselves, without relying on other people changing (which hardly ever happens anyway).

Hugs it's very hard when a therapist moves. It's even harder when you can't trust her and makes it so difficult to progress in your life. I would try to look for another therapist that you can rely on and might be more helpful to you. Hugs

Yeah; I feel that I cannot trust her because it seems that she made empty promises. I want to know if she at least tried to find a way to honor what she said about coming back for one year, but couldn't find a way to do it. If she tried to find a way to honor it, but circumstances wouldn't allow her, I would understand and I wouldn't feel so mistrustful towards her. See, I'm the kind of person who means what I say and say what I mean. I think it's fair to assume such authenticity and honesty from therapists. If she made that promise and reassurance just to be comforting in the moment without any intentions of actually committing to it or trying to make it happen, then I would feel cheated and that she lied and therefore cannot be trusted. But if she meant it and was committed to it, but circumstances wouldn't allow her to do it, that's okay. Life happens. ***** happens. Pardon my language. What matters to me is her authenticity, sincerity, and honesty.

Another thing that's causing me to feel so disoriented and giving me these mini panic attacks periodically since 3am is this. It was only less than a month ago when she told me that all I need to know is that if she stays there, it would be because of her sick grandson. This was only less than a month ago. However, yesterday, she didn't mention her grandson at all. Maybe there's more to the story that we didn't get to in the time that we had yesterday? Maybe it's more coherent than it seems? Because right now, it seems that the things she said to me just less than a month ago and all this while for the past year don't match what she said yesterday. That's why I feel disoriented and in a sense cheated. It's like she hid one part of the story and only shared about her grandson, but in reality, more was going on that she only revealed yesterday. It's like, where did that come from? If it's such a major factor in her decision, how come she didn't share it and instead said that her grandson was the only determining factor?

ETA: Are these "disappointments" part of life? If so, then there is no reason to find a new therapist. For all we know, the new therapist could end up leaving or moving out-of-state and thereby "disappointing" all over again. If these disappointments are part of life, then the mature thing to do would be to stick through it and deal with it, no?

Disorienting signals a trigger. This seems like such a trigger for you-when someone seems deceptive, words don't match actions, distorting reality so to speak?

I recognize it as similar things are a huge PTSD trigger for me. When someone distorts reality or acts crazy or does senseless things, it signals 'danger' to me. Deception is the worst trigger for me of them all. Having concluded that and explored the trauma behind the triggers, I now recognize such things are about my past and things are kept under control.

I'm sorry you feel disoriented and betrayed. I, too, would be wondering if she purposely deceived me though I'd think her intentions were good (as opposed those those who traumatized me).

It could be that she was undecided before, but now, she weighed the pros and cons and made a different decision. However, some Ts don't disclose leaving or retiring so their clients don't quit on them leading to loss of income. Maybe this doesn't impact her situation, but in general, it's not unreasonable to suspect as it happens all the time.

Sorry things are rough. I agree with those who say now is the time perhaps to find a new T.

You see this as deceptive, as in, she deliberately set out to lie to you about what was going on. My guess it that was not the case. I really doubt that she had some sort of evil betrayal in her schemes. In fact, I don't think this was even a scheme. Life just fell in her lap this way and she decided to make a change. In this case, she was offered a position that she apparently found interesting and decided to go with it.

Her decision wasn't against you; it was for her and her family and her future.

I know you feel betrayed, but that is not the same as actually being betrayed.

You've been dissatisfied with this long-distance therapy for a great time. Perhaps this is the signal that it's time for a change. Hope things settle down for you. I know you are feeling unsettled.

Sounds like she experienced a change in life plans that she didn't predict and rethought what she wanted to do. That's pretty normal behavior for all sorts of people. We set out thinking things are going to happen one way, and we really think and believe that with our whole heart . . . and then. Something else lands on our path of life and we choose a different road because it appeals to us for some reason.

It feels to me like she cheated and hid certain things. Do I think she had some kind of scheme to deceive me? I don't think so. I'm not paranoid in this way.

I don't want to find a new therapist; I can't afford one anyway. This therapist is what's financially affordable to me.