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hopealwayz
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Unhappy May 23, 2019 at 03:29 PM
  #1
Yesterday I asked my T if we could be friends years down the road and he said that we could never be friends. I’m so heartbroken and wish that we had met in any other way. I’ve been crying since yesterday.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 04:27 PM
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Default May 23, 2019 at 04:47 PM
  #3
I'm sorry. That feeling is super tough and upsetting. .

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Default May 23, 2019 at 06:57 PM
  #4
this seems to be a pattern. and it always upsets you and then causes more problems. so i am curious why you keep on continuing the pattern.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 07:02 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Starry_Night View Post
this seems to be a pattern. and it always upsets you and then causes more problems. so i am curious why you keep on continuing the pattern.
I agree. It is not even the feelings or actions part, more that you keep posting these kinds of things as though there had never been any prior real incident/lesson. It is indeed a bit hard to understand from an outside point of view and perhaps Ts struggle with the same challenge.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 07:16 PM
  #6
If you'd met him some other way, he wouldn't be your therapist and couldn't help you with your problems. It sounds like the end of therapy is a long ways off, so why worry about this now?
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Default May 23, 2019 at 07:30 PM
  #7
It's hard to accept...but he's likely not the same person in real life. If you were friends with him, it might be totally different. You'd have to experience when he's cranky, deal with his problems, realize he's not the perfect person he might seem to you in the therapy room. And it could change in your head how you saw therapy with him. It could undo things you've done. There are reasons that ethical rules delay friendship by at least 2 years after termination. My ex-T was a social worker (LCSW), and she said she could never be friends with her clients, even if it had been 20 years. The rules are there to protect clients. Again, I know it's really hard...
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Default May 23, 2019 at 09:04 PM
  #8
When I started with my T there was a contract I had to sign that said she would not friend or follow me on social media and I couldn’t friend or follow her either. Also that we would never be friends no matter how long ago we had finished therapy.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 09:22 PM
  #9
Hope—I think you should concentrate on the issues that brought you to therapy, not on after therapy. And as you deal with those issues, you may be able to put yourself out in the world more and make friends who bring you even more pleasure than your therapist does.
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Default May 24, 2019 at 01:47 AM
  #10
Aww, Hope. It seems like you have an overwhelming want and need for a long-term human connection. it really seems like you just want a relationship with a caring other who isn't going to leave. At the heart of it all that is all any of us wants, really. It is a very human thing to want and need.
Do you know that with the appropriate therapy and help from a well-boundaried and ethical therapist it is possible to get to the point where you will be able to find and sustain a long-term connection with an other outside of the therapy relationship? The awful paradox is you are so fearful of the eventual leaving it prevents you from making a sustained connection with a therapist who will be able to help you get to that point. What to do?
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Default May 25, 2019 at 10:35 AM
  #11
I do have people in my life that I connect with however they’ve let me down recently.

It’s likely that I have to be on psych meds long term so I guess I should focus on that for now.

And I also recently found out that if I stop the psych meds, it’s because of my chronic pain because I just found out bad news that I’m going to have chronic pain for the rest of my life.

It’s overwhelming.

I guess I’m glad that my T won’t be my friend in the future because LT is right, it would mess up all the thoughts I had about the work I’m doing in therapy.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 11:25 AM
  #12
Isn’t it good that I went ahead and talked about it so that I can put that behind me?
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Default May 26, 2019 at 09:32 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by hopealwayz View Post
Isn’t it good that I went ahead and talked about it so that I can put that behind me?
It was brave of you to talk to your therapist about it. Dealing with the desire to be friends after therapy ends

Eventually, the feelings of wanting your T to be your friend might become less intense as you work on your issues and start to have more long term positive, mutual, healthy friendships in your outside life.

I valued the work in my therapy more than I wanted my Ts to be my friends (and they were even colleagues and friends with each other) so I kept reminding myself of that even as I sometimes told them how much I wanted them to be my friends. They would remind me we couldn't be friends but I could learn what I valued in potential friends and then make healthier choices and efforts to meet people and form friendships. It wasn't easy and it wasn't quick after years of loneliness and emotional isolation but I do have close friends now, so the wanting has lessened. I'm glad T has her own friends though I sometimes do still wish I could be there for her on her bad days.

At least that's been my experience and I went through a few years of wishing current T and ex T could be my friends.
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