My new T makes me doubt and blame myself for our bad therapeutic relationship

Wow, people here are getting quite passionate about telling Sarah how she is supposed to (and not supposed to) do therapy and what her experiences mean. I think a client has the right to have expectations and even demands regarding what kind if service they want to have from a paid provider. Of course the provider also has the right to refuse doing what they don't want to do. If there is not much overlap between the service and expectations, it is probably just not a good match. But if there are no alternatives and therapy is still desired, I guess the only option is to form some sort of compromise. I personally would want it to be a mutual compromise though, not sure it is correct for a T to collect money if they do not adjust to the client's expectations at all, at least I am sure I would not pay for such a service.

This suggests the OP is a subordinate of the therapist. Creepy.

People who believe their role is to help others become more functional in life are usually dangerous and/or deluded.

Personally i would tell this therapist to go f herself, and walk away, and that would be much more therapeutic than continuing the self-flagellation.

That's your interpretation and not the meaning I put into my writing. It's not my problem that you tend to interpret everything through such lens.

The OP is searching out the services of a therapist out of their own free will. No one forces them to do that. So, there must be something that they expect to gain or receive from this relationship (i.e. they expect to be helped). If someone feels that there is nothing to be gained (like for instance you) then they just don't go for therapy.

It's interesting how others seem to visualize their ideal therapist. Some see a warm supportive guide; some see a listening ear, others paint a stern disciplinarian to whom the patient must surrender.

I see that authoritarian tone both relating to therapy and in peer conversation here.

The authoritarian shtick definitely doesn't work for me and based on experience, doesn't work for many. Yes, some people feel they thrive having their backsides kicked, but I don't support contempt or reprimand as a default approach.

Interesting. But i think authoritarian is in the eye of the beholder, rather like rose colored glasses, so they presume the choice is, either t or me will be the authority. But if you remove the idea of authority altogether, you can have a partnership of two adults.

They often use authoritarian language and talk about themselves as authorities - I don't see it as a stretch nor do I believe it is all in the eye of the beholder.

Are you still undecided on whether or not to continue seeing her?

Thanks. Yes, to some extent I am but it leans towards ending it with her. Also, today I met with my case manager and I just cried about what happened during those three evaluation sessions I´ve had with this new T.


As they share medical records about me, my T will notice what my case manager has written and I assume she´ll write about what I told her and how much I cried.

I´ve read all comments to my post here at PC and I find both good pros and cons on continuing to see this T. In a way I think it´s a good thing to get frustrated and to bring forward anger and sadness. In another way I feel this is similar to how I experienced a former T, also within public health care.

With her I also early on felt we weren´t a good match but I kept seeing her because there was no one else until I switched facilities altogether.

My case manager told me today that changing behaviors and creating a therapeutic relationship that isn´t only supportive but also handle issues on a deeper level can be done in several ways.

She got the apprehension that my T is rather old school and analytical. (She´s also a pscyhoanalyst even if I see her for psychotherapy). My case manager also said that when she went through her own therapy during her education she didn´t want traditional psychodynamic therapy as she felt it was too strict.


I´m kind of sure of how to do with this T but I´m also afraid that I end up with a T who´s only supportive and kind instead.

Probably I won´t get access to therapy at all, I think this T will refer me to some general counseling with someone who isn´t a psychotherapist or she´ll just end it with me.

I´m kind of "doomed" when she understands I've vented about her with my case manager.

That shifts how I envision your therapist--she's an analyst. Mine was sort of a riddle sphinx, reflecting a blank slate in response to whatever I said. I was OK with that, only because of my expectation, being in analysis. Her procedure would have been weird if one expects something else.

I'm involved in a demanding art that involves giving and receiving feedback from others. It's possible to be simultaneously rigorous and warm, imparting affection and respect for the feedback recipient.

My comments were about the advice being given in this thread. It's the usual disempowering stuff... the therapist knows what is best for you, go back and take more abuse, your perceptions are faulty, blah blah blah. That's great if the goal is to cultivate crippling dependency and low self esteem. Was also commenting on what i see as public shaming of OP, which is an interesting form of support. OP might see it differently. I find it disturbing. Therapy culture is unfailingly hierarchical. Always someone is pushing someone else around. Hey i get it, makes you feel powerful for a minute. It's why therapists become therapists. But i digress.

For you, I hope you are one day able to say what's true for you to this T or some other T or anybody else in your life. To me that's what empowerment really means, saying what you think about the kleenex box or the lack of greeting etc. Trying to communicate by not using the kleenex or how you leave the room or venting to other people will not change your relationships with other people. You cannot, in fact, change other people, and if you want to have healthier relationships with people, it's you who have to change.

You know, I did not see anything like this written in this thread. No posts about how the therapist knows what's best for OP. No posts about how the OP should go back if she is convinced that she shouldn't. Quite the contrary - I saw that most comments were really empowering, explaining that expecting the T do behave in a certain way is a way to shift locus of control from internal and external and there's no need to do that.

Although OP's choices are limited, she still has all her power to decide whether this therapeutic relationship could hold something useful for her or if they don't believe it could be useful for them, they can simply stop seeing this T.

To me it is very interesting that you always see things in one particular light, regardless of what was really said.

I don’t see it the client’s role to “train” a therapist or any other provider in social pleasantries or how to do her job. I can’t see how instructing any of my doctors like that would be well-received, particularly early in a relationship. It seems like writing the therapist’s dialogue for her.

I can see how an analytically-trained therapist’s manner could be abrupt, particularly if a client wasn’t forewarned how they relate.

I don't know to whom this post was written in response to, but I totally agree with you in this respect.

I just did a quick scan of the thread and counted at least 10 posts where the main message was therapist knows best, including 2 or 3 from you. It's not always stated explicitly.

Therapist knows best is the main thrust of this thread, and of therapy in general.

It is by definition a disempowering concept.

I don't think doubt is necessarily a bad thing - and that includes self doubt. To me, seeking certainty is certainly normal, but it can also be very restrictive. That is not to say that doubt is always a positive force, but it can be.

So you are determined to believe that your interpretation is correct, even if people say that it was not correct? No room for reality checking? This way everything that is not exactly in line with your thoughts can be interpreted as gaslighting, isn't it?

If one consults a professional for assistance, why would one consult someone with less knowledge than one's self? Please everyone throw your money at me - i know nothing! You can then feel empowered, i guess!

People have an investment, consciously or not, especially when they have an axe to grind and a soapbox to stand on, in seeing whatever they want to see. Confirmation bias - Wikipedia

I wish it were possible to have a discussion where it didn't evolve into personal attacks. Margaret Thatcher pointed out the following:

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left. Margaret Thatcher

OP is complaining that the therapist refuses to engage in normal social protocol.

About this you said: "this is therapy, which is not a normal social situation and thus there's no need to engage in common courtesy".

This suggests the therapist's refusal to engage in these conventions is rooted in some superior knowledge of what is appropriate or necessary, and trumps OP's perceptions or needs.

Also, you have directly contradicted OP by declaring that common courtesies are not necessary, suggesting that you believe you know better.