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starfishing
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Default May 25, 2019 at 12:36 PM
  #1
Even (especially?) after seeing my current therapist for 2 and a half years, it's still hard for me to believe how great he is--that he's not just competent but actually highly skilled, that he's knowledgeable about the issues that are important to me, that he knows how to respect boundaries without letting it impede growth, isn't homophobic (and is extremely aware of how LGBTQ experiences impact therapy), pays precise attention to what I say and do, owns up to it and apologizes when he makes a mistake, draws attention to the ways our relationship reflects my experiences outside of therapy but without using that transference as a way to pathologize or minimize my reactions.

I had so many terrible or useless experiences with therapy over the past decade that I had basically given up on further therapy ever going beyond mediocre at best. Abusive at worst. Let alone being as helpful as I really wanted and needed it to be. And now I'm marveling at what a bizarrely helpful and healing experience my current therapy is. It has been extremely difficult at times, and progress often feels slow--it has been excruciating sometimes. But my therapist recognizes and respects how painful and hard it can be, and works hard to do his part and help when and how he can. It's challenging but necessary work, and it feels possible at a different depth than it ever has before. I've had realizations and made connections I never anticipated, and started dealing with wounds I thought could never heal.

Part of me still hates that I had to wade through so much incompetence, shallowness, and bias from all but one of my past therapists. I hate how hard it is to find and access someone really good. But I'm so glad I tried again and found this therapist and have been able to really dive in with this therapy, and today I felt like sharing that experience--that good therapy really can be life-changing in a really amazing and vital way.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 01:28 PM
  #2
It's a relief, isn't it?

I never had difficulty finding a highly skilled and effective therapist, but boy, we've been through the wringer finding knowledgeable, skilled, and supportive care for my husband's rare medical condition. He was initially injured in 1985, and it wasn't until 2015 that we truly found a physician who checks off all the boxes: highly knowledgeable, extremely skilled, fantastic "bedside manner". 30 years.

Yes, it is a relief. So happy for you.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 04:25 PM
  #3
What a lovely post. I’m happy you’ve found a good therapist. And good for you for being so persistent about continuing to look for a therapist after so many not so good experiences. As someone who is new-ish to therapy (have only had one T for 1.5 years) it’s nice to hear about therapy experiences that go well. For me therapy has turned out to be about something completely different than what I first sought therapy for and it’s hard to explain to others who are not in therapy. Would love to hear more about what makes your therapist good if you ever feel like posting more details or stories. I find it uplifting and inspiring.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 07:32 PM
  #4
Therapy and my T are, without a doubt - unequivocally - why I have seen as many sunrises and sunsets as I have.

When you get a competent and highly skilled (as you said) T, it makes a world of difference! I'm glad you found one who meets the criteria, and your needs!

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Default May 26, 2019 at 12:58 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
It's a relief, isn't it?

I never had difficulty finding a highly skilled and effective therapist, but boy, we've been through the wringer finding knowledgeable, skilled, and supportive care for my husband's rare medical condition. He was initially injured in 1985, and it wasn't until 2015 that we truly found a physician who checks off all the boxes: highly knowledgeable, extremely skilled, fantastic "bedside manner". 30 years.

Yes, it is a relief. So happy for you.
Yes, absolutely, and I'm glad your husband finally has someone who checks all the boxes. I've known people who had similar difficulties finding decent medical care, and it takes a huge toll. Similar to therapy, it takes so much energy to be unsure of whether you can really trust someone with your medical care while simultaneously needing to extend some trust in order to get by.
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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:15 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
What a lovely post. I’m happy you’ve found a good therapist. And good for you for being so persistent about continuing to look for a therapist after so many not so good experiences. As someone who is new-ish to therapy (have only had one T for 1.5 years) it’s nice to hear about therapy experiences that go well. For me therapy has turned out to be about something completely different than what I first sought therapy for and it’s hard to explain to others who are not in therapy. Would love to hear more about what makes your therapist good if you ever feel like posting more details or stories. I find it uplifting and inspiring.
Thanks for saying that. I'm glad it's inspiring to read, and I relate so strongly to what you're saying about how therapy has turned out to be about completely different things than you initially thought. I didn't even think I was looking for a therapist when I first saw my current one, just a psychiatrist for medication. Multiple times (maybe 4 or 5 at this point) things have turned the corner into an unexpected "chapter" or a new focus I didn't see coming. Lots of twists and turns.

It's an interesting exercise to think of stories and details that illustrate the ways this therapist has been really exceptionally good. I think some of it has come across the couple of times I've shared full session recaps, but I haven't done that in a while...

So much of it is about how conscientious yet authentic he is in the moment. So for example, in a recent session I abruptly had a very large realization about how I'd been strongly repressing a difficult feeling, in a way that ran very counter to my previous self-perception. We talked about it for several minutes, during which he sounded very measured and gentle, in response to my being pretty unnerved by what I had just figured out.

It then suddenly occurred to me that this situation might have been evident to him for ages, so I asked--and was surprised when he responded instantly with a very vehement and unusually loud "no, absolutely not!" while shaking his head and gesturing pretty emphatically. He explained that everything I was saying made sense to him, and mentioned some ways it linked to things he had noticed (some of which I've since realized might have been alluding to potential connections we've explored more since then, that I wasn't ready to fully absorb at the time but which I think he was laying some groundwork for), but that he hadn't had any more idea about the most shocking piece than I had. And he added that he knew what that experience of repressing emotion in that particular way was like, not just because it's one he's understood theoretically and seen in his patients, but because it's something he's done himself.

It's hard to describe how all of this played out exactly, but it was so clear while it was happening that he knew what he was doing, and was taking care to respond in a way that I'd find comforting in a difficult moment and useful in the long run, but was also very committed to being honest and human with me about it. He made it crystal clear that he was telling the truth and responding from a genuine place, in a way he knows is important to me, but also that he was taking responsibility for guiding the discussion if needed, in a way that would be therapeutically productive.
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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:44 PM
  #7
I have had three excellent long term therapists, but have interviewed many many more in each round, and think there are some really bad ones out there. For me this last round of therapy, 15 years after I thought it was done, has been the most successful-- because it is the longest and because I have focused on understanding my interpersonal relationships and figuring out what I want in my life. I see the benefit in my relationships for having focused in this way, and really linking up my understanding of my past and my present.
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Default May 28, 2019 at 07:10 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
I have had three excellent long term therapists, but have interviewed many many more in each round, and think there are some really bad ones out there. For me this last round of therapy, 15 years after I thought it was done, has been the most successful-- because it is the longest and because I have focused on understanding my interpersonal relationships and figuring out what I want in my life. I see the benefit in my relationships for having focused in this way, and really linking up my understanding of my past and my present.
It's both fascinating and frustrating how difficult it can be to find someone good. I think it might be a little bit easier for me in the future if I had to do it again, because I have a better understanding of what type of training and approach seems to yield what I want and need. But I don't want to test that theory any time soon!

When you started this bout of therapy, did you anticipate it being long term or no?
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