Couch 197: The Minuscule Couch

I think to a certain extent we're all out of our heads at times.

Feel free to PM if you want.

Emergency request for pocket riders... late comers welcome...
Just got to Ts office about 30min early... Ts car AND Ts wife’s car are here. Totally flipping out. Would have no issue running into them together in public but at his office!!! Oh god... apparently that is not in my comfort zone. Was already high anxiety and an asthma attack...

Can you get yourself to the bathroom and try to splash cold water on your face.

I read that's one way to help calm yourself down in a panic attack.

Thanks.

I haven’t gone in yet... too chicken. I did take my anxiety meds before coming and they should kick in soon... it has been a heck of a day.

My son was supposed to visit the group home today and they canceled an hour and fifteen minutes before the visit... so he already knew he was going. AND they canceled because of a planned training not like an emergency thing. So I am a red hot mess to start.

I know I will meet her eventually but running into her today was, ah, not in the plans. And there is a *slight* possibility she parked here to go to one of the stores across the way... it is much quieter and safer here.

Ok, she just headed out... little less panic stricken.

Hopping in!

Back at work after two weeks of vacation. I don’t wanna do anything!!

So much going on at work with the possible acquisition. Being in a state of limbo is difficult. Even in the best of times. I'm hoping if it goes through they offer us health insurance on day one because I really don't want to have to go without my medications. I'm sure no one wants that! But these are questions I don't have answers to. I know there's COBRA but that's super expensive.

I’ve never understood the point of COBRA when it’s so expensive.

Its the antidote to a pre-existing condition, which, before obamacare, would prohibit you from acquiring new insurance coverage for said condition. COBRA gave you continuity of coverage, which means technically the condition remained covered without breaks.

Of course its expensive - Congress invented it. They didnt do it for poor people.

I've never had to have COBRA. However just one of my many medications would be about $400 without insurance. The others would add around $300 without insurance. And that's only prescriptions; it doesn't include all the doctors' visits, labs, etc. required to obtain said prescriptions. And I have chronic conditions where stopping meds isn't a possibility if I want to stay alive, never mind functional. There might be a plan that is more affordable on Obamacare, but there might not - especially since I'm the type of consumer who hits my out of pocket limit.

It's so cold in my office today. I'm wearing an undershirt, a sweater, and a hoodie. I just turned on the heat. It's supposed to be 78 degrees outside today. Inside it's an ice cube. I'm not ready to be back from the holiday weekend. I'm still in vacation mode.

I'm probably a bit too excited that T got a new betta fish for his office. He had one when I first started there, then gave it away to another clinician after she watched it while he was on vacation, which made me sad. It's on the table right next to where I sit, so gives me something to watch if he's, say, reading something I printed out (like today). He said he bought "her" (apparently it's a female) because she had a sticker on the container saying "Take me home, I've been here too long." And he said to me, "How could I resist that?" She seemed intrigued by me (or thought I was going to feed her).

‘Battle of the Thermostat’: Cold Rooms May Hurt Women’s Productivity - The New York Times
Youre very topical today!

I feel guilty. The owner of a dog I've been sitting for 3 months passed away a couple days ago. She had been sick for a while, though I don't really know the details. She had been in another city until last week. When she came back, she asked C and me to help her with things. She was in a rehab place. The staff seemed kind, but it was still a grim setting. I felt so bad for her, especially once she stopped accepting her pain meds and was in constant pain. Although her ex-husband and his wife were there the first time I visited, I think I was the only one other than the staff who saw her in her last days. She got worse and worse. She couldn't eat, I think because of the pain. She was skeletal. I didn't want to push her too hard to eat, but it crossed my mind that she might starve to death. She wasn't intentionally trying to die - my impression was that she hoped to get better so she could return home.

I don't know if she was able to be in contact with other people, like her son, in her final few days. She was very disoriented. One of my visits had the sole purpose of retrieving something that was sitting right beside her where she had told me to put it the previous day. I was sad that I, her dog sitter and a relative stranger, was the one she seemed to turn to. On the night she died, she called me really late. I thought about not answering. I was worried she would ask me to come over again to help her locate something. But I answered. At first, I thought we had a bad connection because I couldn't really hear her. Then I made out her saying what sounded like "help, help." I didn't even say anything - I think I was still thinking as if we had a bad connection. I just hanged up before immediately calling the rehab place to ask that someone check on her. I wish I had said I was sending someone. I worry that hanging up caused her to panic and contributed to her death. The rehab place called me around 4am. I didn't pick up. They left a message to call them immediately. I was scared and didn't call until around 11am. They let me know she had passed away.

On one hand, I know that I did my best to help her and be there for her. I made time to visit her everyday, even when I didn't actually have time. But I still feel guilty. I feel like I should have tried to persuade her to eat. I did bring her food, but I didn't want to be pushy. It wasn't my place to insist. But I feel like part of her worsening condition was that she didn't eat. She hadn't eaten for at least 24 hours when she died, and probably more like 48. Before that, I only saw her eat maybe 50 calories worth of food. I feel responsible. I'm not sure she had the mental clarity to realize treatment for her cancer was futile if she starved to death first. I think she thought she had time, that she could worry about eating later when she felt better. I also thought she had time, although I suspected she was dying and did not have any confidence that she would be going home. I keep wondering if I should have talked to someone and expressed my concern that she might need liquid nutrition. It just didn't seem like my place. But now I'm not so sure. I was the one she called for help when she needed something, including when she was about to die. Not her son, not her ex-husband, me. Surely that means she was depending on me. I wish I had told her that going off her painkillers could wait until she was stronger. I understood that she wanted to learn to cope with the pain without narcotics or opioids, but I think she was in denial about her condition and if there was a point to going off the painkillers. I suspected there wasn't, but I kept silent. I wasn't sure my motives were purely for her benefit, or if part of it was that it was hard for me to see her in such pain. That was self-indulgent. By not saying anything, I reassured myself that I wasn't the type of person to undermine another person's self agency. My ego got in the way. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I obviously didn't because her last days were horrible and she died in excruciating pain. I also wish I had gone to the rehab place after I called them. Maybe I could have at least been there with her when she died. I'm sure she would have preferred somebody close to her, but at least I would have been someone who wasn't staff and who cared about her.

It's also awkward because she owed me more than $300 for things I purchased on her behalf last week, plus my sitter's fee. I wish I was in a financial position where reimbursement for that didn't matter, but I'm not. I feel terrible for worrying about money when she has died.

I wish I could adopt her dog. I've grown to love him. But I just can't afford it...

ETA: Oh no, what if the rehab place didn't call at 4am to tell me she died, but to ask me to come be with her??? I hate myself!

HUGS @susannahsays that's a difficult place to be in. It sounds like you did everything you could to be there for her and to help her in her final days. You were a comfort to her. It's too bad her son couldn't have been more involved in her care but don't feel guilty about anything you did or didn't do. You did what you could, and you were kind and compassionate. HUGS Kit

Hey, that's pretty much the lesson in the economics chapter I just completed.

i learnt it on mtv!

Hugs, Susannah--it sounds like you did all you reasonably could have been expected to do. More than most would have done in your situation. I mean, you were there for her more than her family. It shouldn't have been on you to monitor how much she was eating--that should have been the job of the staff at the rehab place. I understand why you feel responsible, but it isn't your fault.

Susannah, not to be whatever, but what kind of family leaves their dying loved one to the care of her dogsitter? Furthermore, send a bill to the estate. You shouldnt have to swallow the costs. You already went above and beyond.