Discussing sex stuff

Just a heads up, I'm going to try to keep this post non-explicit and matter-of-fact, but it kind of necessitates references to some non-standard/"alternative" sex stuff. There's also a brief mention of SH.

My T told me my homework assignment for this weekend was to find something fun to do. I did, but I don't think it was exactly what he had in mind. I attended a sex party at a BDSM club.
I wasn't necessarily planning on discussing it with him, but now I'm thinking I probably should for a variety of reasons even though I really don't want to. It's not something we've ever discussed before—a med that I was on for my SH also made this stuff not enjoyable so I haven't done it in a while, but I recently stopped taking the med.

We've kind of discussed sex before, but never in any degree of detail. I'm almost certain he'll be fine with discussing it and won't be uncomfortable. But I certainly will be. He said the word "orgasm" once and I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment.
And he's going to be thinking about me being in these situations. Not in a way that's inappropriate but just because it's impossible to discuss something without thinking about it. And I'm probably going to have to get somewhat detailed to discuss how it's different from SH and to address the concerns I'm sure he'll have about my safety.

This whole thing is much more embarrassment than shame, unlike most of the stuff we discuss. But one of the reasons I need to talk to him about it is discussing the aftercare stuff and my feelings about that. And there's so much shame there. And I'm absolutely dreading explaining that part far more than anything about the sex stuff that happens before. Though I'm certainly not looking forward to explaining the sex stuff either.

I have no idea how much, if anything, he knows about this stuff. I'm really hoping I don't have to explain the very basics. Is this something most therapists would have some knowledge about?
Has anyone had to talk to their T about something like this? How did they handle it?
Any insight or advice for just talking about sex stuff in general? Is it awkward?
I'd also just appreciate support or pity for having to have this talk with my T. Or feel free to laugh. I'll probably find this funny someday once it's over with.
Commiseration if you've had to discuss something equally embarrassing and personal with your T?
How do I even go about bringing this up? "Guess what I did this weekend?"

Ugh. This is okay to talk to him about, right? This is the kind of thing I should discuss with him, right? Sigh.

Hugs, LabRat.

It's ok to talk with him about it.
Whether or not you should talk about it depends on whether you think it will be ultimately helpful to you, and it sounds like there are some feelings that you could use some help processing.

My advice about talking about sex comes from a different experience, so I'm no help with the specifics, but I do know this: Talking about awkward stuff is one of those things that gets easier with practice. You can preface it by saying exactly what you need from him: "I need you to listen without reacting; I want to tell you this and I need support; I want to get advice about..." If you're clear going in what you need (and from your post, it sounds like you've thought about this conversation carefully) then the two of you can hone in faster and more precisely on the issues you want to address.

We’re human and we’re sexual beings and it’s all normal. The fact that you’re pretty sure he’ll be ok with it on at least a basic level is a good sign and I bet you’re right. As far as I’m concerned, lots of topics are awkward and difficult in therapy and this is no different. Is there a way you could ease into it, maybe by saying you have a topic that’s difficult to bring up and that you’re not sure how he’ll respond? Or could you send an email in advance so that you know he won’t be surprised. Or even print out this post or a version of it and give it to him to read?

Long-time BDSM fan here. Primarily in it for all the curious, self- and other-exploratory spirit. I'm also interested in things like suspension and all sorts of body modification. I have never had issues with classic SH, never even attempted on my own, for release etc. I am also a body modification fan... the modest, well-controlled, aesthetically and cognitively regulated versions. You know, Steve Haworth et al.

I think this is absolutely okay to talk about in therapy. I definitely did, sometimes used my natural ease talking about anything sex and kink, to avoid more personally relevant and serious topics.

Thank you
I don't think it's quite feelings processing, more like "um is this a bad idea" and insight from my feelings about it. I'm using it to fulfill some of the emotional wants/needs that we discuss in therapy.
If it had nothing to do with sex I would definitely talk to him about it, so if I avoid talking about it I'd be doing so because of the sex thing.
I haven't wanted to SH since, even though my father and his wife were in town this weekend and I spent some time with them, which would normally be really triggering. So it's definitely relevant and probably requires a conversation about whether or not it's a healthy coping mechanism and what limits I need to set for myself.

Thanks
He doesn't do email. I sometimes write out stuff and have him read it, but I think this is something where I'd want to gauge his reaction to decide how to proceed, and it's hard to do that if it's all written out already.
Maybe I'll play 20 questions or something lol

SH is very different. I mean I guess not for some people. And it does seem to involve the same endorphin endogenous opioid stuff to some degree. But that was just a contributing factor to my SH, never the main reason. For me SH is about self-loathing or guilt or shame, which is not at all what this is about.
I guess sometimes it's just a desire to get out of my head, but when that's the case does it really matter whether I'm using this or going for a ride or exercising or doing some other "healthy" coping mechanism?
I can definitely see using it to avoid more serious topics. I think I might even do the same if this wasn't so connected to the emotional stuff that I do have guilt and shame about.
Was your T comfortable with the topic? Did you have to explain the basics or was it something you've found they tend to be familiar with?

I'm not sure whether a T will know about BDSM, depends on age and personal preferences I guess. The very basics of it are probably known to most people though.

I've discussed things regarding sex multiple times before. It's always a bit embarrassing, but my T has never reacted in any way to increase that feeling. He talks about it as though it's the most natural thing in the world, which helps a lot. It's the exact same as discussing any other topic. The awkwardness goes away after the first one or two sentences exchanged usually.

It's certainly okay to talk about (as with everything). Whether it is the kind of thing you should discuss is for you to decide, but if you think about it enough to make a post, I think it's a good thing to discuss. I'd personally just bite the bullet and go 'so this weekend I did X', but that might just be my style.

In my experience, therapists have heard just about everything and aren’t particularly moved by sex talk. Over many years, I’ve shared extremely explicit sexual details with my therapist and noticed that any discomfort usually came from my side. I can imagine that for her it was a nice break from a lot of the depressing topics she listened to throughout the day. It was certainly more comfortable than talking about ‘our relationship’ which was our mutual pain point.

I have little personal experience with BDSM but it’s an area I am naturally interested in it and would have little issue listening to someone share whatever they felt comfortably sharing.

I've talked about some pretty embarrassing/awkward sexual stuff with my T--not BDSM, but a sort of fetish thing I have that's not particularly mainstream (something I think about, don't actually do). I actually emailed him shortly after that session to make sure he didn't think I was weird or disgusting (he replied pretty quickly). And just about some of my sexual experiences in general, in the past, with H, etc. It was awkward at first--I tend to stare at the floor while talking about it, and, much like you, I felt like I'd die of embarrassment the first time he said "masturbate" (I kept using euphemisms). But it's gotten easier the more I've discussed things. It also helps that he's very matter-of-fact about it, like he doesn't seem embarrassed or uncomfortable at all. Like you, for a particular situation I discussed (a rather disastrous attempt at roleplay with H), I was afraid he was sitting there picturing me in the outfit I said I'd worn. But I got through it. And I'm glad I was able to discuss it, because some of it tied into other issues I'm working on in therapy, as it sounds like it does with you.

I'd just preface it by saying this is really awkward for you, you're worried about his reaction and judgment, try going from there. Good luck!

I can't talk about sex, periods & masturbation with R. Way too much shame there. I've always emailed him super tough stuff though before hand, so I wouldn't have to see his reaction.

I have no problems talking about cervical smears or periods with my brother though (he's also in his third year of med school) so it's more just factual.

It's okay to go at your own pace. You can test the waters first before jumping into the deep end of the pool.

I have aphantasia, so I can't picture things in my head. It wasn't until a few years ago that I found out that other people actually could. I always thought it was a figure of speech that just meant to think about the concept.
So I'm never quite sure what it means for someone to picture something in their head. I've been told it's not the same thing as looking at a picture. But I don't know whether my T is going to be "picturing" these things and what exactly that means. (Different people picture things to different degrees apparently, some picture things with much more vivid detail than others)

The therapist said "orgasm" in our last session and I was shocked. It helped to remind myself that the puritanical negative connotations around sexual subjects is not something I want a part of. Society has conditioned me to be uncomfortable but that reflects values I don't actually share.

That doesn't mean it's easy. For now, I am trying to work on tolerating the therapist using words like "orgasm." I think it gets easier over time. I was also shocked the first time she said certain other sex-related words/phrases, but I am less so now (although I can't bring myself to also use most of those words/phrases yet).

If your therapist said "orgasm," that would indicate to me that he is capable of tolerating sex talk - because sexual pleasure is probably the most taboo concept of all.

I've talked with ex-t some about my little part of bdsm that I have been into for many years (H and I both, it's how we met). Her attitude was basically "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." She was unfazed. I don't even remember how it came up at this point.

I glad your T seems comfortable with it and it's getting easier for you.

There are definitely many more reasons to think my T would be okay with it. Like he's said he would not be uncomfortable with the idea of me fantasizing about him sexually or discussing it. This came up because I was talking about the guilt and shame I felt for thinking about him outside of session in a non sexual way, and I used a hypothetical comparison to sexual fantasies to try to explain how I felt. He said he wouldn't be at all uncomfortable with that either. So rationally I don't think this will make him uncomfortable.

Sex and anything related is one of the most difficult things for me to talk about to my T. However it's been a big topic because of the SA from my H. I usually keep it very superficial and don't give too many details. I also don't use the proper terms for things like masterbation, fingering, rape, etc while my T does. My T has been great so far when I do manage to talk about things, and he's assured me that people are sexual and it's okay and normal to talk about.

My T says sex is an essential topic in therapy, that people do want to talk about it but are ashamed to. T and I live in a very conservative society where everything's abstinence based.

T has been great at reassuring me that people tend to be sexual beings (and of course there's varying degrees of asexuality), that it's not morally wrong to masturbate or have premarital sex despite our conservative society and lousy sex ed.

While I haven't talked to T about my interest in BDSM (and might never will), I've talked about some really embarrassing intimacy and pain issues I experience. I've also told her I'm more ashamed talking about wanting sex, and sexual pleasure (as someone assigned female at birth) than my shame around sexual trauma. I'm also ashamed about my sexual orientation and gender identity though I'm working on it.

I'm slightly confused about why you experience much shame over aftercare. To me (should I explore BDSM and experience subspace), it would be something akin to "cuddling after vanilla sex", a way of taking care of everyone involved in the scene.

I am not sure how much my T would know about BDSM but I am in the Midwest and it is pretty conservative. I know T would be OK talking about sex/sexuality and I assume if he didn’t know about BDSM he would take a curious approach and allow me to teach him. I am guessing it would be pretty foreign to him and he would have a lot of questions out of concern and lack of experience. (BDSM is a rather complicated topic in my house as I am interested but H is not... but I have many BDSM friends). I can see my T being confused by the after care but not judge it or me. The last thing my T ever wants to do is create shame.
As far as what it is like to picture things in ones head... I have autism so I often get that “oh! You think in pictures”... which I do... sort of... but it isn’t like watching a movie or flipping through a photo album. It isn’t detailed and is often blurry, out of focus, shadows or symbolic.

For what it's worth, I shared with my T yesterday the details of the agreement between my wife and I in our "open" relationship. She thought it was great that I was able to say what I could and could not handle need wise that would keep the relationship safe.

We've talked a bit more about BDSM. At one point when I was struggling around some concepts, I saw a 2nd T for 2 or 3 sessions that is active in the BDSM world. I thought talking to T about it would cause problems with my transference. Ultimately, it was my T that was able to help me connect the dots to what was going on without really talking about BDSM. I think this was because she had more knowledge of my history.

I do think it might have interfered with the transference. Not sure though.