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Omers
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #1
Looking for the experiences of others who have worked with both male and female T’s.

I have always worked with women in the past because I am generally afraid of men but my current T is male. So many things feel different but I am not sure how much may or may not be gender related.

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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 05:54 PM
  #2
I find women to be more caring.
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 06:59 PM
  #3
No. Women just seem more caring. In truth they are quite calculating. But tougher than men, which makes them so attractive to weak men. A man, only if it's a good man ( hard to find), might be far more caring, because he understands you better.
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 08:13 PM
  #4
I interviewed two men and walked out in the middle of one and the other was sensitive new age guy who I despised. I only hired older than me straight women (I am a lesbian and did not want to run into a therapist in my community - I tried hiring a lesbian one once and it was a social mess and she was -unrelated to being lesbian - batshit crazy)

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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 08:30 PM
  #5
Men and Women are all the same.

They just want to be entertained.
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 08:31 PM
  #6
In the past, I’ve had a few female T’s, of all different ages. For whatever reason, those experiences were all terrible for me, though I don’t believe it was just because they were women.

I have “issues” with both men and women, and both genders of T’s have presented me with transference challenges. However the challenge varies not just by gender, but with each T’s personality and how it interacts with mine.

I’ve been with my male T now for about a year. It has not been easy, that’s for sure. I don’t feel like I’m fully comfortable and “open” yet. There have been ruptures. Yet I keep returning. I’m just now getting somewhat comfortable sitting there with him.

As far as I can tell, the magic is ... him, as a person. Not a man. Just a consistent person who is there and who doesn’t push me to be comfortable. Who doesn’t make me feel broken at times when I’m emotionally numb, and who is equally as welcoming to my tears and chaos. There’s no overreaction either way. Just this intensely calm acceptance. Through his eyes I see that everything I do is normal and rational given my history, yet he also is patiently waiting to help guide me to calmer waters. And he will just wait for me until I’m ready. Who is respectfully curious about me and who models that attitude for me, enabling me for the first time ever to be nonjudgmentally curious about myself and how I move through the world.

I’ve never had that with any previous therapist. It genuinely feels like a secure relationship in the strangest way. I think his way of doing therapy is very aligned with my personality.

I didn’t realize how much I appreciated him until I wrote this out, so thank you for giving me a space to do that.
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 11:36 PM
  #7
I've worked with a mix of male and female therapists, and one non binary therapist, and I don't think gender has made a difference in any case. I can imagine it having an impact for others, but for me it's not a huge factor. My first good therapist was a woman, my current good therapist is a man. If I had to look for someone new, I don't think gender would play a role.
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Default Jun 05, 2019 at 02:54 AM
  #8
Interesting thing to think about. At a rough count, I have worked with four female therapists (one grief counsellor, and three ordinary counsellors) and two male counsellors. Overall, I found the experience of working with the female providers to be more positive, although I doubt it was anything to do with their gender. I felt more able to be honest about my feelings with them. Second male counsellor was not great. He rarely provided me the space I needed to be honest about things.

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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 05:53 AM
  #9
I find it easier to open up to women because I'm afraid of men too. The one male T I had was very kind, but we had to terminate due to his moving away. He was also very calm, almost unsettlingly calm but that might've just been him. I'm not sure he fully understood the gender/sex-based issues I brought up in session, but I feel more confident about talking female issues with my current (female) T. I feel more comfortable with female Ts because I already feel (physically) safer in their presence. Also (in my case), I don't get romantic or erotic transference the way I might with a male T.

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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 07:07 AM
  #10
My first and third long term therapists have been male, and I do not feel as comfortable with men but working with them as therapists has been good. They are/were both kind and gentle men with big brains. My second T was a woman who I really adored, I ended therapy thinking I was done (and I was, for 15 years), and I did some very intense s*xuality healing type stuff with her and I'm not sure if I would have been comfortable talking about it with a man. I have a very close relationship now with my male T of 10 years, but I do think it feels different than the closeness I had with my other T. It was harder to leave her than it was to leave my first therapist. I think if my therapist now retires, I'll look for a woman. All other things being equal I think I'd rather have a female T.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 08:05 AM
  #11
Thank you everyone for your replies. I never in a million years would have thought I would end up with a male T. Because I told him up front I was a fearful client (I was that way with women as well) he started from session one being very conscientious about how he was around me. Never in my personal space, never between me and the door, never moving his hands quickly, above his waist or in an unpredictable way... and once he knew he had enough rapport to be able to ask (still the first session) he very gently asked if I had been hurt by men in the past. When he asked In told him about being afraid of men but also how far I have come with it.
He is very “quiet”, grounded and centered (he does a lot of meditation). Emotions are still very hard for me but he breaks things down in a way that at least gets the emotion named even if I don’t allow myself to express it. Working with him is totally different than any other T I have worked with but so is a lot of his training. All in all I have to say I feel safer with him and can talk to him about more things than past T’s.
Right now we have gone back to working on the therapeutic relationship because he did not feel the level of trust was where it needs to be to safely continue the trauma work. With a woman this would automatically kick up huge abandonment issues but I would otherwise be OK with it. With him it is kicking up a ton of shame and guilt. I don’t have sexual feelings for him and we are both married so, for me, that makes that a non-issue even more than gender. So I am noticing that my emotional reaction to the things he does is completely different even more so than I expected.

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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 08:25 AM
  #12
I have a general bias (preference) for interacting with men, especially professionally, although it has evened out quite a bit with time/age. I can regulate how I act on it consciously though and go against my internal current, for the sake of avoiding discrimination at work, for example. But the bias is still often there in my mind and motivation. Both of my Ts were males, now I would consider hiring a female if they seemed competent. There isn't any topic for me that I feel more comfortable discussing with either gender, it is about the individual and how they are as a person. In my early life, I definitely related better with males (including father vs. mother) and had a bunch of bad experiences with girls, I think this exacerbated the bias but not sure it's 100% responsible, probably a lot of basic character traits as well. I actually don't even like when people emphasize that I am a female in any communication other than sexual/romantic and when considering physical differences and limits, I don't have a need to be treated as a woman in an emotional and social sense. At this point of my life I prefer to resist my internal bias and measure/choose based in competency, how someone is suited for a specific purpose, rather than anything about gender.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 08:37 AM
  #13
I have worked with both male and female Ts. I have issues with gender in general so it's not so much the sex of the T as much as gender presentation. I cannot work with and have huge issues with individuals that present overly feminine (lots of make up, hair done in a way that seems like they spend hours on it, pink,... ). Even as someone that is trans; I struggle at times with male-to-female individuals and would have trouble with most therapists that are MTF. Again, my own gender issues/bias with femininity.

At the same time, I can be afraid of some men; become puppy like with others as I want to be with like (impress) them; or be neutral all based on their energy.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 09:59 PM
  #14
I struggle to trust men. There have been very few that I have trusted so I can't imagine trusting one with my most personal information. I will only see women however I know many women who see male therapists and do very well.

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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 11:01 PM
  #15
I struggle with trust in general but especially with men but I kinda feel like the women assumed there would be trust and from day one he knew he would have to earn every little bit of it. I also know that sometimes he struggles with women. He has learned over the years what sets women off and he avoids it but I can’t say as he always understands it. He is also used to working with women from a very different upbringing and social class than I am. There are a lot of times when he is shocked that some minor oversight by him isn’t a huge deal/ rupture for me... then there was the day he forgot his filters and said that “a lot of women are petty b*tches”. OMG I laughed so hard! But he can be sensitive and compassionate with me in a way that isn’t belittling or makes me feel broken and the women I worked with never managed to pull that off.
It is also oddly OK with me that he “sees me”... like last session he called me out on freezing when I get scared instead of fight or flight. Had a woman called me out on that the walls would have gone up so fast! But with him it was no big deal. It’s kinda hard for me to be defensive with him.

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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 11:57 PM
  #16
When it comes to gender related topics in counseling I think it's important to have a same gender T , so as to be able to fully understand your issue.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 12:08 AM
  #17
I want to claw the face off of female therapists. Never evens saw one and the thought of even sitting across from one turns me homicidal.

I am on my 4th Male therapist.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 07:44 AM
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
I want to claw the face off of female therapists. Never evens saw one and the thought of even sitting across from one turns me homicidal.

I am on my 4th Male therapist.
Now that I am working with a man I am totally with you on clawing the face off of women! I never thought it would work that way for me.

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