Worried About T

Honestly, I think you're just feeling hypersensitive about this relationship because of what happened with your last T. I don't think you've done anything to worry about at all. If she got your phone message a day later, why didn't she return it? You're just trying to figure out what's going on and it seems totally reasonable to me.

Thank you. I finally got a session with her for next week! Now I’m just so afraid of how that’s going to go because I feel like I’ve been very pushy in my texts with her today. I sometimes feel like I have so much drama in my life just between therapists alone. Lol

I am so sorry you're having to go through this. Well I understand that your DBT therapist is having pregnancy issues, she is ethically bound to not abandon you. You left messages and it is ridiculous she hasn't called you back. I definitely don't think you are "too clingy". Your concern is valid. Perhaps you could use this time to practice radical acceptance and more DEAR MAN (I think your texts were skillful and in Wise Mind).

If Dr. A is already kind of being like this, I wonder if it might be good to look for other options. You have already had relational trauma from your first T terminating under ridiculous circumstances. I think you would need someone willing to really stick it out with you but that is just my opinion. I am sorry your DBT T has put you through this. My heart goes out to you. It sucks that this dx has such a stigma you live in fear of not being treated for it. I truly understand.

Hugs I agree with what BizzyBee wrote. I hope things turn out for the best. To me she is still bound to be there for you, it's like she abandon you with her using her pregnancy as a way to get out of something she agreed to. She should of talked to you before about it if she was not going to be avalible to you and helped you find other supports. I don't think you are clingy unfortantly you have been hurt by the other t so it's understandable to feel that way. I like how you texted her it was very honest and very well worded. Hugs

Thank you. Honestly, it really means a lot hearing that my texts were skillful. I often feel so ashamed when I think back to how I acted with Ex T and the borderline label really stuck with me. I know the relationship was two sided and many of you have expressed validation towards my experience, but once I heard the borderline label, I feel like my experience is totally clouded and I’m automatically in the wrong whenever I feel hurt or rejected. I now always get really anxious when I express my emotions or feelings because I’m afraid that borderline tendency is just popping up again and people are just going to assume I’m misinterpreting everything like I’ve done in the past with Ex T. These texts felt really authentic to me, so it means so much to me that they sounded skillful. I thought for sure they would come across as clingy (because that’s always been my authentic reaction).

I really hope things work out with the new psychologist. She seems reliable, but I don’t know if I need to assume she’s judging me for my BPD tendencies. I respect professionals who know the behaviors of BPD and don’t feel like they can help because the behaviors are quite extreme and can be difficult to manage/help, but I do have an issue with psychologists not simply understanding the behaviors as ingrained coping strategies for the relational trauma the client has experienced and then judge the behavior as being character flaws, like selfish, manipulative, attention seeking, stalkerish, etc. It’s impossible to know what the psychologist thinks, but she has been responsive and didn’t charge me for the 1 hour conversation we had in her office. It was going to be an intake, but after she and I started talking, she realized I was already seeing DBT T and simply wanted to talk about how the transition needs to be smooth and why I want to switch. I think that was nice of her because I’ve seen psychologists in the past for intake and even though they decide right off the bat they can’t work with me, they still charge for the full intake fee

Hmm. Can things not be both coping strategies emerging from relational trauma and also be selfish, manipulative, attention seeking, etc.? A child who is raised being given everything they want by their parents will be spoiled and entitled even though that's not by their own doing. Yes, you might call the things you listed coping skills with BPD, but the gist of it is that they are ways to get needs met. For a spoiled child, throwing tantrums might be a way they find to get what they see as a need met. But being spoiled is still basically a character flaw, right? I guess what I'm trying to get at is that these things can be character flaws, but that doesn't mean that they are innate. And I would certainly hope that any psychologist would understand that, just as any person with common sense knows that a spoiled child is not an inherently bad child but the result of poor parenting.

I do not have BPD (as far as I know), but I do have some BPD traits, and the ones I do have tend to be a bit extreme. I can be very selfish, unbelievably manipulative, and yes, attention seeking. I can also be selfless, honest, and attentive to others when they need it. Nobody is just one thing.

The therapist I see takes a nonjudgemental stance towards me as a person, but she does judge my individual actions - while also acknowledging her understanding of why I do the things I do. When I say she "judges," what I mean is that she unapologetically identifies something as wrong, says I am in the wrong for doing it, and doesn't pretend everything's coming up roses if I keep doing it. Doing otherwise would be colluding with me in my dysfunction. I kind of hate her at the moment, but... eh, she's not that bad, I guess.

Try and remember that you are not BPD. You have BPD. I would actually even argue that a lot of people with cPTSD are misdiagnosed with BPD. I am not saying you are misdiagnosed but I really hate the stigma attached to BPD, even with mental health professionals.

I can understand your anxiety given your recent experiences. I would highly recommend directly asking her how she views people with DBT traits. I am so glad she seemed open. I would just be leery of her insistence to speak with DBT T. I am so sorry it has been hard for you to find the support you deserve. Hopefully things will work out soon. Sending lots of support!

did you hear from her after your last text?

Why would you be leery on her insistence to speak with DBT T? I guess I’m just trying to stay really positive because I really don’t want to get my feelings hurt. Perhaps it’s just a protective mechanism because I would feel really triggered if she was judgemental of me for having BPD tendencies. I am telling myself that she just wants me to get the care that I need, not that she wants to make sure I’m not crazy or something. She does work with people who have psychosis which I know I don’t have. I just thought she’d be use to the tough cases.

Most therapists want to form their own opinion on a client. If they talk to a previous therapist I would be concerned that they may take on the bias of the other therapist instead of forming their own. Now this is not necessarily the case. She probably does want to give you the best care she can. Maybe since she works with people with more complex cases she is more inclined to collaborate with another T. I just think she shouldn't make you wait to start until she can talk to DBT T. But that is just me.

I don't want to make you worry unduly. You see, I have had some bad experiences and may be projecting my concerns on your situation. Try and trust yourself. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.