Real problem with T

I think I wrote about the two smaller issues last night because I was blocking out the really big issue. Today I feel like sobbing and I’m panicking and overwhelmed, and there’s nobody in my real life I can talk to about this because nobody in my real life even knows I’m in therapy.

About a year and a half ago, my therapist told me one session in her office that she couldn’t do as much for me anymore because she now had other responsibilities, specifically a friend who is struggling with a severe illness. I was very upset and we eventually reached a compromise about specific things and moved on. Then, about six months ago, one of those things that we reached a compromise on came up and my therapist had changed her mind and wouldn’t abide by the compromise. A few weeks after that, my therapist told me that she would no longer be able to be there totally for me with extras because her friend’s illness had become worse and she was under a lot of stress. I was very upset about this and argued with my therapist about this for the last few months. We had a ton of ruptures and repairs and our relationship was a mess for months. I really fought back hard against her telling me that she couldn’t be there for me fully and kept asking her to change her mind. We finally stopped having such difficult times only a few weeks ago when I just couldn’t bear fighting anymore.

Now I found out this past week that my therapist’s friend actually passed away. I feel so awful that I’ve been giving my therapist a hard time about this for the last few months. I feel like I made a mistake in our relationship that is unfixable and like I did something unforgivable. I feel like my therapist must hate me and will never feel about me the same way again. I feel like I’ve been a horrible horrible person. Like I took away from her being able to give to her dying friend. (I think I might actually have in reality- my therapist is very dedicated and gives a lot of time to me).

The worst part is I can’t talk to my therapist about any of this and apologize because then I would be making her grief and mourning about me. Then I would be doing more of the same and just making the situation and my behavior even worse. Besides, there is no way to take back what I did. I’m being selfish even now because my real fear is that my therapist will never forgive me and that I’ve wrecked this beautiful relationship that I had. What makes this all worse is that I’m also dealing with a very extremely serious situation in my life and my T is my only support for it. Also, maybe my T doesn’t feel this way at all, and by sharing it, I would only be introducing the idea to her... plus she might then think I’m crazy or that I’m making her loss about myself.

You can always just apologize for your behavior a quick "I'm sorry I've been so argumentative lately, I'm working on it." Then leave it at that. You're not making her pain about you you're taking responsibility for your behavior. I'm sure she's seen much worse behavior and I don't think most T's hold it against their clients.

I would just try to be less argumentative in the future and more respectful of your therapist's boundaries.

If your therapist hated you, she would probably try to refer you out to someone else. I think you should just be honest about how you're feeling. Therapy is supposed to be all about the client, you don't need to worry so much about what the therapist is feeling.

I just read this book by pyscholanalyst Karen Maroda about the therapist responsibility to manage their countertransference reactions in tough times for them. It is possible your T has a mixture of feelings, and feels like she has been torn and not fully there for you. You and she might feel similarly toward one another ( or not) . I think it is "grist for the mill", and you should be vulnerable and truthful. You're allowed to be where you are on your journey.

Whatever you said to her, ultimately she is the one who is responsible for her actions i.e. for how much time she allocated to you (her client) vs. her friend.

However much you might have argued or made her life difficult (if that is what you feel), she is the T and ought to know how to handle her boundaries and her professional vs. personal life. So, that one is not on you but on her.

I think it would be OK to talk to her about it a bit, but I also understand why you're torn. I felt guilty talking to ex-MC about my reaction to finding out his wife was sick and later that she'd passed away--and particularly that he wouldn't have told us that she passed away. Looking back, I pushed him too much to explain some of that at a time when he would have been grieving. And I later apologized for it (I'm not sure he ever replied to that--was an email). However, if I hadn't talked about it at all and had kept all those thoughts inside, I also think it would have been detrimental to our relationship--perhaps more so. And he seemed OK with talking about it--even called me once to discuss it more. Um, OK, I doubt any of this is particularly helpful. Mainly just trying to say I get it and that I think it could be OK to talk to her about it a bit, as it's affecting your therapeutic relationship.

I don't think what you did was unforgivable. You were trying to get your needs met which is what therapy is all about. Even if you did argue longer than you "should" have, that's not a mortal sin.

I think this sounds like it might be more about your T having a problem with boundaries than anything you have done. T's are trained to deal with people who have traumatic histories and part of that is people who desperately need reliable and ongoing relationships with their T. Some might feel this need so urgently that they cannot even entertain other considerations. It is up to the T to draw firm boundaries. The fact that there were ongoing arguments and ruptures seems to point to a difficulty with the T? You should never be in a position in which you feel responsible for the T's behaviour. Just some thoughts...

Also you MUST be able to talk about this without worrying about it 'making her mourning about you'. When you are in a therapy session it IS about you. That is not being self-centred but rather recognising the structure of the relationship.

Self-compassion is always good. Your experience was yours, and you were doing the best you could with what you had at the time. Your T would have known this. Your needs and responses and experiences don't change or disappear because the T has an issue in her life. It sounds to me like she did keep good boundaries... she told you what she could and couldn't provide and it seems like there were continued ruptures because you kept asking for what you needed and she kept sticking to what she needed for herself. You are not a horrible person for wanting and needing what you wanted and needed. Your needs didn't change when Ts needs changed. Ts needs for boundaries were valid and your needs continued and were valid also. Both things were true. You are not a horrible person for continuing to need and want. I really think your T understands that too. She continued to stick to the boundaries because she needed to. She probably wished like heck she could have given you more. She would have known her changed boundaries were very hard for you. You were not at all a horrible person for trying to get what you needed.
Self compassion, self compassion, self-compassion. She did what she needed to do for her. You did what you needed to do for you. I really think she could and can hold both of those truths.