T tomorrow

Last session was two weeks ago and a total disaster and I was not able to recognize T because I was too stressed (over simplified but accurate enough).

I have a bunch of reasons for why what is going on is happening but they don’t really matter, the fact is simply this is where I am at...

I didn’t start to trust men until I was about 21 I am currently early 40’s. Recently though I am finding myself stuck at 15 and younger, all the way down to pre verbal. I get how trauma can leave you stuck developmentally in places even if you are not DID and while we have not discussed it I am sure T knows this too. I don’t know what age is going to walk into his office tomorrow and all my CBT and grounding stuff just doesn’t seem to be able to cut it and keep me grounded at 40’s. I know if I seem at all triggered T will give me plenty of space and be very gentle. I also know he will gently wait until I can ask for what I need because he honestly does not know what he might be dealing with (he knows I have a trauma history but we have not discussed anything because he feels we need to build more trust first... which I get). I can’t handle another session of not being able to connect. So if I am stuck in a place younger than 21 I am going to be leery of him but still need that connection.

I don’t know what to tell T or if I should even try but I am going to loose it if we don’t connect. I know I won’t be able to explain it in person but if I email he most likely will read it before session.

Suggestions??????

I think it's good you are accepting of yourself, where you are at.

Emailing him might be a good idea. What do you mean by connect?

He is my primary emotional support right now so if I feel distanced from him tomorrow, even if it is coming from me not him, I am going to be a mess. It is not his style to push, especially if he knows I am already triggered... which makes total sense because he literally does not know any of the details of my abuse. I can mention stuff if I need to but he doesn’t want to get into it or open anything up until the foundation is stronger which I totally agree with... but in times like these it kinda leaves him walking through a minefield blindfolded. The last thing he wants to do is trigger me.
Last session was a totally different set of circumstances but I was on autism melt down and triggered. So he basically sat there gently asking me what I needed. Again, I see why this is the only truly safe option for him but something more direct to break up my freezing would be helpful. Last session I left feeling like I had missed our session entirely.

If you have younger child parts it makes sense to me that they would not necessarily trust T even if you do. I think the emphasis would be to make your child parts feel safe in therapy first. Baby steps in my opinion. Emailing him what you've written above could also help him now what's going on.

For any child language lags behind their development and I believe play is a child's language and way of communicating what they don't have words for.

I've actually played with lego whilst in session and often also draw pictures on the side. Perhaps you could bring a stuffed toy or something that brings you comfort?

T is all for me using comfort objects... the most recent one though has been a weighted lap pad I made that matches his office. Unfortunately it was my first attempt at doing anything weighted and is not holding up well. At 12 there were no safe people, I don’t think there was any “safe”.
If H takes my son someplace I may see if the part wants to draw or sew what she is feeling to bring tomorrow. T is really good with my projects too but it is way above my current sewing level (but it would only have to stay together until session) and she wouldn’t feel safe enough unless she knew H and my son would be gone enough for her to get it done and put away in the car.
It’s like she has seen T with me and wants to trust him but she doesn’t have any of the positive experiences I had that laid the foundation for feeling safe with T. So... she would need T to be pretty pushy by his standards to help her get to safe... that’s what Fr did that worked. T wouldn’t have to be as pushy as Fr but well outside of T’s comfort zone with a scared, young, female... part or adult. Like he would need to sit close even though she would push back against her chair and it would help if he would hold her hand even though she would shutter and recoil at the initial contact. Then he would get eye contact and trust would start... but from T’s perspective that is very emotionally violent and intrusive.

I also think emaling before the session about your worries and desires might be a good idea. If he reads it before the session, all the better as he will be exposed to expectations and might be able to pay attention to his behavior more and adjust it more consciously. You could also add to the email that you don't think you will be able to discuss this in person just now, so he won't put you on the spot.

I sent T an email, hopefully it is somewhat coherent. I may call later but I am afraid he will answer. I know he forwards his office phone to a cell phone when he is not in the office. Right now he is really into me asking for what I need in person. I hope he understands that this has me way beyond where I could do that. 42 me struggles... 12/13 me doesn’t stand a chance. She had no clue, no safe people, no one to meet her needs and she had not yet been exposed to the kind of response that she really needs so she wouldn’t know any of it.

Having flashbacks for the first time in 20+ years.

I can see how it would end in a deadlock if you need him to push you in order for you to emerge, but he is taking a safe, 'respectful' and distanced approach. Hopefully your email will help resolve this.

You had said in a previous session that touch had helped you--could you maybe request that near the start of session to help ground you/connect you to your T?

I hope to be able to. I know if I request it in email, even if I warn him that I am scared but need it, I am 99% sure he will not do it in session... unless I ask in session. I am kinda backwards from the other clients he has worked with that had similar histories. I also hope to ask him to sit close.

In the parking lot now and feeling better than last session... mostly 40 with just a chance of 13... we shall see. It is overcast again so I am trying to be ready for the lights to be on but everything else should be back to “normal”.

I hope it went well.

same here.

OMG, I don’t think it could have gone better. It was mostly a vent session but T understands my life outside of his office SOOOO much better now and I feel so much more seen and understood. Then at the end he reminded me of all my supports and put his hands on my knees and reminded me that he is here for me too... then after the session he checked for his next clients car (they weren’t there yet) and he held me in like the longest hug ever (without feeling awkward) and gave me a supportive “pep talk “.
Awesome T is awesome.

that’s wonderful to hear 😊

That warms my heart, omers!

That sounds wonderful. I’m so glad that you had a wonderful session.

Thats so wonderful to hear. Im so glad your session went so good. I loved it when i read that he reminded you of your supports and he is there for you. Hugs