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Member Since Apr 2019
Location: United States
Posts: 70
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#1
I was bad last night. I'm having problems facing my faults and I walk out of session feeling like a sack of ****. Vulnerability hangover? It hits me hard everytime. After sending 2 useless emails to my therapist, venting and explaining myself,
I just wanted to sleep and while lying in bed, I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to tell my husband, I didn't want to worry him. But I had to promise myself that I would say something if it got too bad. Thankfully I fell asleep before I dug myself any deeper. This morning was a little better, but I was still uneasy. I wrote another useless email, letting my therapist know what happened and asked him not to hate me if I do go overboard attempting to contact him before my next session. I warned him I was in "freak out mode". It comes and goes. At one point this morning, I wanted to hear his voice, I felt I needed to call him, so I did. It went to straight to voicemail and I was partly relieved. I tried leaving a voicemail, but it was just a ****ing joke, I felt like a joke. "I'm hurting, but I'm not so sure why." Thankfully I had an option to delete it, which I did. I brokedown crying instead. I don't know what I need, I don't know what I want. My therapist wants me to really focus on mindfulness, which I attempted for a little while but then stopped. Kept feeling I was doing it all wrong. I think he's getting tired of my ****. I keep saying I'll meditate and pause before freaking out but I always let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like a failure. I can't even have a healthy relationship in therapy. No one wants someone around who needs constant reassurance to feel better about themself, this is why I rather be alone. I really hate myself sometimes. |
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Anonymous43207, arielawhile, Elio, Omers, Spirit of Trees, wonderluster
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wonderluster
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#2
I know how you feel.
I got better by focusing on something other than myself. Focusing on one's self always leads to Hell. |
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CartDown
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CartDown
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Member
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: 2nd floor
Posts: 272
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#3
17 Celebrities Open Up About Their Time In Therapy
17 Celebrities Open Up About Their Time In Therapy |
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: PNW
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#4
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. To me it sounds like you are not a loser; you're a person with problems that you're trying to deal with, and that is the opposite of loser-y IMO. Could you maybe schedule an extra appointment with your T and talk about how you feel after therapy? Sometimes I have definitely felt a "vulnerability hangover" as you call it but maybe there's a way your T can structure things so you don't leave feeling so awful.
Also, I'm curious what kind of mindfulness stuff you were trying? For me exercise helps a lot but meditation by itself doesn't seem to work. |
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CartDown, wonderluster
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CartDown, Omers
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Member
Member Since May 2019
Location: east coast
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#5
I'm so sorry you're struggling. Please don't judge yourself. Just adds to the burden, you know? But I know that's easier said than done (been there, done that, got the sticker). Have you tried some distress tolerance stuff...just to get through the super emotional rough patches? Like doing soduku/crosswords, exercise or taking a walk, doing something for someone else, taking a hot bath/using lotion, watching a great tv show? Just something to get your mind off your current distress level until it settles enough so you can use other skills. I find meditation helpful, but I absolutely could not do it when my distress levels were overwhelming. It was more a long-term thing that I had to develop, like just stick in my back pocket at times.
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CartDown, wonderluster
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: Neverland
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#6
Therapy can trigger regression , and it isn't always safe. Do take care, and ask your T to work on strategies to cope with that much emotional pain. Do you think you are tapped into/ commented to a more deep past pain than the strictly the present tense ?
__________________ Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck |
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#7
It seems to me that your T is focusing on what you can do about your problem with the therapy, by encouraging you with mindfulness etc., rather than focusing on what he can do differently - I think there are things he can do, like give you more reassurance in sessions, and other things that would meet your needs better. By focusing on what you can do, he’s kind of locating the problem with you, rather than with himself.
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wonderluster
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Member
Member Since Apr 2019
Location: United States
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#8
Quote:
Quote:
Oh yeah, I'm stuck in the past and I just can't let go. What I'm trying to do is to tell my T everything, but I'm having a hard time expressing the feelings that go along with it. For example, I'll be calm in session explaining something that angers me, but then feel that anger after session. I'll leave fine and end up sending him emails and texts saying I'm miserable. I must be confusing the crap out of him. |
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wonderluster
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Anonymous45127
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Member
Member Since Apr 2019
Location: United States
Posts: 70
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#9
Quote:
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Anonymous45127
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Member
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: 2nd floor
Posts: 272
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#10
Quote:
The reason you feel miserable is because you are not engaged in something constructive. If humans are not constructive they will become destructive. |
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Member
Member Since May 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 352
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#11
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wonderluster
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Member Since Jun 2017
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#12
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The best constructive behavior is simply working towards a worthwhile goal that improves the quality of life for others. The worst is working towards a goal that benefits only yourself. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: PNW
Posts: 1,394
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#13
Ah the old "if you're suffering it's probably your own fault". That's always super helpful. Please consider that you are by implication calling the OP selfish and unproductive.
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Anonymous45127
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#14
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OP, I doubt you'll blame and shame someone else who wrote what you did. Hugs. Give some of that compassion to yourself. And you're not a loser, truly. It can be so painful to be vulnerable in therapy, hence we fear and regret it later because we're afraid T will be disgusted etc. But your T, if they're any good, will not be disgusted but honoured that you shared. |
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