Feeling hopeless with therapy

Introduction. Hi I’m Rosy. I have BPD, CPTSD, anxiety and OCD. I am very high functioning. I work full-time and have good relationships with friends and colleagues. I have lots of hobbies and interests, that I pursue when I’m allowed (I continue to live in an abusive, controlling household which contributed to one of my traumas, not the main one). I struggle with self-harm, suicide, hopelessness, emptiness and substance abuse.

I’m finding therapy hard. I’ve been seeing my therapist for a few years, after several unsuccessful attempts of therapy. I trust them and have started to open up about the issues I’ve been having.

I’m finding the therapeutic structure impossible. I struggle with immediate, intolerable distress which comes out of nowhere and I end up turning to my therapist for help and often they can’t accommodate my requests. Then I engage in behaviours and feel guilty.

I feel lost and confused. The more I reach out, the more I’m denied (not intentional, just due to schedules) and whilst it’s no-ones fault, it makes me feel terrible about myself. I feel like everyone is sick of me and my most recent episode.

I feel so tired of this routine that it’s making me want to give it all up. I don’t know what else to do at this point. My therapist doesn’t meet my needs, I remain incredibly attached as when we do meet, it helps incredibly. I don’t want to see anyone else. I feel guilty for existing when I am the way I am. I feel trapped at home. I feel trapped at work. I feel trapped by therapy. I feel lost and I don’t know how to proceed.

Sounds like you're going through a really tough time. Is the home situation anything you could change by moving out etc? Can you talk to your therapist about the feelings and fears you've described here? Do you think you'd be able to? They might not think about it similarly to you at all and might be supportive and help you realise nobody has had enough of you. Just wanted to say you're not alone and sending hugs.

I hear you on how painful it can be at times between sessions and unfortunately therapy tends to stir up a lot of emotions that are difficult to contain.

How often do you see your T? Would it be possible to increase the frequency of sessions as a standing schedule? Have you talked with him about what other supports could be used - some people are able to use transitional objects to help soothe. One thing that helps me was the agreement that I could write a journal and my T would read it between sessions. My journal really is more a way for me to talk to her as I write it to her. My T also allows contact between sessions. It's been a struggle for me to become comfortable with using that support, I have gotten better at reaching out and asking for what I feel might be helpful in terms of a response.

If you feel like sharing, what are some of the items you've asked for and he was unable to provide?

Regarding the feeling of guilt around our behaviors; one thing my T tries very hard to get me to accept is that I am doing the best I can at any time. These behaviors exist because they provide relief in some way and there is no shame when that is the best I can do. (I don't always believe these statements, the repetitive nature of her stance is starting to sink in most days.)

Also, using this forum has been helpful for me. Post and spam as you need, many of us have been there or are there, we understand. You are not alone.