FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 3,132
11 129 hugs
given |
#41
Quote:
Your attitude that "he could have just shared" removes any responsibility you have for asking for what you want to know, rather than feeling entitled to receive it. Exactly how difficult would it have been for you to ask a simple question, "what kinds of pets do you have?" Seems much simpler to me than blaming your t for "not disclosing." Point is, you could have shared more of yourself by asking a question. Communication with your T's and the problems surrounding that have been a repeated theme in your therapy. It seems like mostly this centers around what you get back from T. My experience has been that if I want more intimate, satisfying, and less conflicted relationships, I need to look at what I put out there and what I can do differently. Those are the things that I can control and changing them does change the way people respond to me. If you want your relationships to be different, you have to be different. This is a concrete example of something small you could have done differently. Maybe it's not worthwhile at this point to do it differently, but IMO understanding that you could have done it differently and that it might have made a different makes sense to do. Your mileage may vary. |
|
Reply With Quote |
ArtleyWilkins, DP_2017, unaluna, Xynesthesia2
|
Magnate
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 2,202
9 121 hugs
given |
#42
In fairness he just may not have followed up with "I have a dog/cat/snake" because he didn't wanna talk about himself in your session.
|
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 3,132
11 129 hugs
given |
#43
Quote:
I also think T's ask that question "why are you interested in knowing" not as a roadblock to disclosure, but because the motivation underlying the question reveals something about the asker. This probably is more complicated when there are transference/obsessional issues involved. There is a difference between asking a question because you are generally curious about your T as a human being as opposed to asking a question to feed a desire to know more about his life. I think T's will answer the first one but not the second. My T has never asked me why I wanted to know, but maybe that's because over the years there has been an increasing natural and conversational flow between us, as opposed to the earlier years where I talked and he responded. But I don't think this is about the loosening of boundaries or a de-professionalization of the therapy itself, but reflects that the way I engage with him now is different than I did before. I notice a similar kind of change in my close relationships-- a more open kind of communication, with less conflict and greater intimacy. |
|
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, Xynesthesia2
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,412
6 665 hugs
given |
#44
Maybe he just isn't a big pet person and going into details just isn't his thing. Like me, I could discuss my dog for hrs to anyone but some people are just like, ya I have a pet.
Anyway with long term T, nothing really. I could have probably got him to tell me details of his sex life if I tried, he was very open with me. The only thing he never wanted to tell me was what part of something I wrote, made him cry, he admitted he cried but not over what. With Baby t and T3, I asked both of them not to share stuff with me and openly told them I didn't care but sometimes things came out in stories thankfully it was very little. I think Baby T since he is more chatty would have shared more if I allowed it or asked... T3 is very stoic and I doubt he would share much at all and honestly it's the best choice ever. So much better for me mentally not getting involved emotionally with them __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love. |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,412
6 665 hugs
given |
#45
Quote:
This is spot on and well put. I also could take a few things from this. __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 540
5 55 hugs
given |
#46
I also agree with most of what Anne said above. In addition to those observations, what came to my mind is another theme that is somewhat recurring in your stories: on the one hand wanting to know exact rules and behaving properly (out of fear of rejection), on the other hand a tendency to push those limitations (at least a wish). I think you have pointed out yourself that it might relate to your upbringing and relationship with your mom. Of course an inquiry about pets is a very mild example but perhaps a meaningful example. I actually have the impression, based on your posts, that you practice that art of not being intrusive (so respectful) but sometimes challenging (taking risks) quite well, maybe the only thing is that it gives you discomfort at times and a form of ambivalence. Thus, perhaps a question I would ask myself is why communication tend to bring out such discomfort and unsatisfied feelings? But I actually think it is pretty normal and everyone experiences them in some forms - would a more profound awareness of its normalcy help you accept it? I certainly don't have the impression on this forum that you are not a good communicator and I know that part of the reason I like to respond on your threads is because I feel you have a quite pleasant balance between providing a lot of "meat" about your therapy and an ability to handle people's responses very respectfully, without overreactions and extremes. I would be quite surprised if your T did not enjoy interacting with you, in part, for the same reasons. But maybe next time just go ahead and ask what exactly you want to know - I don't think there are any real risks with that in your therapy.
|
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, susannahsays, unaluna
|
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,714
5 |
#47
Quote:
... And by that, I mean what a convoluted nonsense. Therapists are capable of having chit-chat conversations like the rest of us. Unless he is an absolute idiot, LT's question was an invitation to talk about pets. When the waiter asks, "Are you ready to order?", do you sit there like a lump and just say "Yes", or do you tell the poor soul that you want burger and fries, no pickles but with cheese? Is the rest of the world communicating on a whole different level from me?!? |
|
Reply With Quote |
unaluna
|
blackocean, BudFox, Echos Myron redux, Forgetmenot07, LonesomeTonight, Merope, susannahsays
|
Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: PNW
Posts: 1,394
10 106 hugs
given |
#48
I agree that "Do you have any pets?" can be understood as an invitation for the other person to talk about their pets in greater detail. But as someone said above, this is therapy and not casual conversation. The therapist might be trying to focus on the client, rather than deliberately withholding information. Of course, LT could just ask her T why he didn't answer the question more fully.
I'm reminded of the scene in Parks and Rec when Leslie meets with a political consultant and asks some normal small talk question, and the consultant says something like "You're paying me $200 for this hour, do you really want to spend that time talking about the weather?" |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, unaluna
|
Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 39,869
(SuperPoster!)
12 66.4k hugs
given |
#49
Quote:
But LT is TELLING us its not a simple question, because she DID take it to mean she overstepped boundaries. In the words of The Little Prince, its the meaning she gives to her little rose. No? |
|
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight
|
underdog is here
Member Since Sep 2011
Location: blank
Posts: 34,731
(SuperPoster!)
12 1 hugs
given |
#50
Actually - the first woman kept trying to get me to engage in chatting with her because she mistakenly thought it meant we would bond. Those guys need to be a lot clearer about what they are doing at clients with this sort of crap.
__________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. |
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: in the parlour.
Posts: 353
9 99 hugs
given |
#51
I think they probably make it up as they go along. Mine won't disclose much but will randomly throw me the odd crumb occasionally... for instance, last year he told me where he was going on holiday. I once asked him what he did before he became a therapist and he wouldn't answer. He said that him answering might inflame my ET, but I couldn't work out whether he meant my ET could be inflamed by the simple act of him answering my questions or by me knowing what his job was before becoming a therapist.... I mean, what could he have possibly done that would be that good?!
More recently we had a small rupture because he left something out that wasn't supposed to be and it answered another question which I'd asked him a while back, which he had refused to answer. I found it the whole thing quite upsetting, not the thing so much but the hiding and the pretence and the not being able to know the person. I've been seeing him for a really long time and I feel close to him but this whole charade kills me. I've nearly left a couple of times because of it. __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
Reply With Quote |
koru_kiwi, LonesomeTonight, susannahsays
|
Member
Member Since May 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 189
4 111 hugs
given |
#52
I don't ask my T much about her life, since we're usually focused on my problems. I've asked some questions but can't remember if there were any she directly refused to answer. Sometimes I wish I knew more about her but other times I'm glad I do not.
__________________ I like deer with their stick legs and stick antlers |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight
|
Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,763
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
given |
#53
Quote:
That's the thing, my T will often chat with me about stuff. Even today, I was saying something and he was like, "Oh that reminds me of this funny commercial." So I asked about it, and he shared. We've chatted about movies, TV shows, political stuff (once he finally revealed he shared views with me). Honestly, I think that's what's difficult about it, how we can just chat about things some of the time, and it can just feel like a normal relationship, then suddenly I'll say or ask something, and it's like BOUNDARIES UP! I suppose that can happen in a friendship or romantic relationship, too, but this just seems especially glaring. |
|
Reply With Quote |
ScarletPimpernel
|
koru_kiwi
|
Member
Member Since Aug 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 244
5 28 hugs
given |
#54
Quote:
if someone asks if you have pets it’s pretty well implied they want to know more details than “yes,” and if a client asks a question it is obvious they don’t see the therapist answering that question with 6 or even 10 more words as an imposition on their therapy time. just “yes” is so awkward. Less awkward maybe because it is your therapist but in regular conversation I would expect a little bit of elaboration however if my conversation partner didn’t understand this I would simply just ask what kind as a follow up, even my therapist Last edited by blackocean; Jun 14, 2019 at 08:23 PM.. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Forgetmenot07, LonesomeTonight, susannahsays
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: the sunny side of the street
Posts: 672
12 1,231 hugs
given |
#55
oops! double post
|
Reply With Quote |
Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: the sunny side of the street
Posts: 672
12 1,231 hugs
given |
#56
Quote:
this absolutely just made my day! |
|
Reply With Quote |
feralkittymom, LonesomeTonight, susannahsays, TeaVicar?, unaluna
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2012
Location: yada
Posts: 4,415
11 1,974 hugs
given |
#57
Quote:
Exactly! Was he a masseur? Underwear model? Porn star? |
|
Reply With Quote |
koru_kiwi, LonesomeTonight, TeaVicar?, unaluna, WarmFuzzySocks
|
Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
15 25 hugs
given |
#58
I've never asked my T a personal question. she discloses fairly easily, though. I want the focus on me!
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Aug 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 244
5 28 hugs
given |
#59
also to answer your question, not much. he has been cagey about a few things but I don’t remember what now. usually he answers and elaborates. last time he was telling me an anecdote that involved a gun and i asked if he had guns and he said yes and told me all the types and models and where tbey came from. He shares a lot.
|
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,412
6 665 hugs
given |
#60
Quote:
It's the sad part of therapy but the part I remind myself constantly so I don't get sucked into the fantasy of it all And it's harder for you because you are strongly attached. Thats the perk of lessening the distance/attachment, it's hard at first but it does get easier to deal with stuff like this.Ya this is a weird boundary but to be fair, he doesn't have many with you, so I guess I'd be happy with that. He's obviously not the type to share loads of stuff, so I guess just be aware and try not to ask much about it, stay focused on the things you need to work on. __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous45127, LonesomeTonight
|
Reply |
|