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LonesomeTonight
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 07:41 AM
  #61
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Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
That's how they build rapport and trust. They learn all this in schooling. It isn't a friendship but being a rock who just sits there quietly, isn't very helpful either. So they usually at least try to be engaging. They do it with everyone, sadly.

It's the sad part of therapy but the part I remind myself constantly so I don't get sucked into the fantasy of it all

And it's harder for you because you are strongly attached. Thats the perk of lessening the distance/attachment, it's hard at first but it does get easier to deal with stuff like this.Ya this is a weird boundary but to be fair, he doesn't have many with you, so I guess I'd be happy with that. He's obviously not the type to share loads of stuff, so I guess just be aware and try not to ask much about it, stay focused on the things you need to work on.

For the first part, yes, I know the chatting helps build rapport and trust. I wouldn't want a T who wouldn't engage in at least a little of that. But my T is also good at making sure that doesn't take up much of the session. If we end up in a chatting place, after a few minutes, he might say something like, "So, are we just going to talk about TV shows today?" or something. Which, I mean, it's my session, he's said I can talk about what I want to. But I'm also not paying him to discuss TV.

Yes, this last part is why I didn't bother asking more about the pet question. Because I know I need to focus on other things. Talking about stuff regarding my dad the last two sessions has been much more productive to overall than if I'd spent half a session trying to get him to tell me what pets he has and why that's important. I do end up having to talk some about the therapeutic relationship, because I need to feel able to trust him, to feel "safe" with him, in order to delve into the deep stuff, like I've done this week. But I don't need to know the kind of pets he has to trust him or not.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 07:47 AM
  #62
LT, I am not sure but perhaps there is less meaning in all this than you are trying to find, at least as far as the Ts behavior goes. To me it just sounds like normal human behavior with its often random and inconsistent nature. I think many clients expect Ts to be kinda superhuman consistent but it's just not going to happen, in part because so many choices and actions are made unconsciously in the moment. Didn't he say a couple times when you questioned him about some things that he didn't/doesn't think about it nearly as much as you do? Of course then we can become conscious of it and analyze it, but that won't prevent it from happening in the future. Just how the brain works.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 07:32 AM
  #63
I feel it's sad you don't really trust him after this long of time.... but I guess it makes sense for some people. I really recommend that book I linked you on FB. I got my copy and it's awesome. Very helpful to explaining all the attachment types in detail and gives exercises in practicing how to handle situations better with each type. I am finding it useful.

I am sorry if my posts seem harsh, I am just a direct type person. I don't really know how to be supportive very well in other ways. I also just see how much this relationship seems to overtake you sometimes and it saddens me I've been there, you've been there with the other T.... I personally think his week vacation will be good for you. It will be good time to put your skills you've learned to use and to focus more on you. A week goes by much faster than we think if we stay busy, mentally.

Hope you and your family are well and have a great Sunday

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 07:43 AM
  #64
Accidental double post, sorry

Last edited by Anonymous45127; Jun 16, 2019 at 10:39 AM..
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 07:43 AM
  #65
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I feel it's sad you don't really trust him after this long of time.... but I guess it makes sense for some people. I really recommend that book I linked you on FB. I got my copy and it's awesome. Very helpful to explaining all the attachment types in detail and gives exercises in practicing how to handle situations better with each type. I am finding it useful.


I am sorry if my posts seem harsh, I am just a direct type person. I don't really know how to be supportive very well in other ways. I also just see how much this relationship seems to overtake you sometimes and it saddens me I've been there, you've been there with the other T.... I personally think his week vacation will be good for you. It will be good time to put your skills you've learned to use and to focus more on you. A week goes by much faster than we think if we stay busy, mentally.


Hope you and your family are well and have a great Sunday
Can I know the book title? I'm very interested in learning more about attachment styles in detail.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 02:58 PM
  #66
I stop myself from asking my T questions because I have an inherent feeling it is in approiate, but she has slowly disclosed more to me over the years, which has helped. But i do remember asking her once how she was and she just started talking about the weather. I think not knowing much about her life is a good thing for me because i reckon i would use that information against her and deem her incompetent or too priviledged to be my therapist.
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 07:57 AM
  #67
Oooh I find this thread very interesting! I’m not sure where I’d hit my T’s boundaries. I’m very attached to him and therefore very curious about his personal life. I asked a few personal questions which he’s answered (even when I really thought I was crossing a line), such as whether he has kids or not, where he’s going on holiday (followed by a couple of minor details, such as how he’s getting there or what he thought of the scenery). He has told me stories about some of his friends before (using their names), and also told me of times in his life when he felt like I’m feeling. So I guess he’s pretty open. I found out his divorced (not from him), but I would never ask him about that, I’d feel too bad. I also know that he has a dog and sometimes smokes.

To be fair, I’d probably find the way he holds his fork interesting if I got the chance to see him eat, so I don’t know what an expected amount of self disclosure is.
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 09:01 AM
  #68
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I am also bemused that my T will sometimes share something pretty person, but then refuse to say why he chose a huge print for the wall of the waiting room. I've found out things just from life happening- such as that my T dislikes/is allergic to dogs ( I love them), bc the office down the hall brought one and let it wander the floor. His face told all, so then he sheepishly confessed . He nodded to my dog stories, and gave no sign before that. That is when I realized therapy is a strange interaction.
Maybe a client gave him the picture. Last week as part of grounding Emdr T askes what I saw. I pointed out a picture on the wall. She told me that a former client gave it to her and what it represented. She told me the only reason she was telling me anything was because when the client gave it to her, she asked if it would be okay to tell future people where she got it.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 09:48 AM
  #69
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The therapist would never refer to her older daughter by her name. She disclosed a lot and she would talk about her 2 daughters. She always called the younger daughter by her name but whenever she spoke of her older daughter she would always just say “The teenager”. I knew what her name was but she just would never call her by name.

For example: “ In a few weeks I’m taking a road trip with my kids. I know that (insert younger daughters name here) and my teenager are probably going to argue the whole time.
“Jersey. I have to move our appointment to later in the day. My teenager has a thing at school I have to attend.”

“Jersey I’ll be with (insert younger child’s name here) at the doctors tomorrow but text me if you need anything.”

So yeah..she would never call the teenager by her given name when talking to me. But always called the younger one by her given name. I even met the younger one once. She brought her to the office because she was home from school sick that day. Set her up in the back room with snacks and a pillow and an iPad while she did her sessions.

Did the older daughter have an unique name so he figured it would be easier to track down?

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:04 PM
  #70
I can't remember if I've already said this answer. Sometimes, but not all the time, my T will tell me where she's going to be, when she's out of town. She's out of town this week, and wouldn't tell me where she was going. Due to some other things going on in my life right now, this is very upsetting to me. I know when she left town and I know when she's slated to return, and I know who is covering emergencies for her. I want more. I am depressed. I don't know exactly why I want to know where she is. I just do.

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 06:23 AM
  #71
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Did the older daughter have an unique name so he figured it would be easier to track down?
No. It was actually a very very common first name. The youngest, who’s name she would say all the time wasn’t as popular as a name. It wasn’t unique per se, but it was a slightly less popular name.
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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 01:01 AM
  #72
I wonder if it was at the daughter's request? She might've asked her mom not to mention her by name. I can totally see a teen asking for that, feeling like it gives a little bit of privacy.

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 03:55 PM
  #73
This thread is interesting! My therapist is open about his life and family and shares personal stories when they relate to mine. The only time I can think that he wouldn't answer, we were chatting about cars because I was vehicle shopping and I asked what he drove. He wouldn't answer! I thought it was funny and called him out and he said something like, yeah that's weird that I didn't want to answer that, I'll have to think about why that was. The next time we talked he said he thinks it was because he was a little frustrated that I was talking about cars instead of what he saw as the important thing we should have been talking about (which I was avoiding). He did tell me what he drove in the end.
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:59 PM
  #74
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At the end of that discussion, I asked him, "So do you have any pets?" He said, "We have a few" .
It's a bizarre answer to a simple question.

It's anti-social and creepy.

Seems therapists often model anti-social behavior, but it's waved off by just saying the word "boundaries".

I don't see the point of focusing on the therapist's response, or OP's reaction to it. It's the unnatural, clinical-personal relationship itself that is the problem.

It's also a good example of therapy creating a problem out of nothing, requiring a bunch of wheel spinning, and even 8 pgs (so far) of analysis in this thread.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 09:33 AM
  #75
Just remember the relationship you have with your therapist is NOT like that of others. They are not even an acquaintance. Please keep this in mind. It is not for them to develop a personal connection with you. Professionally, they are required to remain uninvolved. So don't expect to know anything personal about them. Please don't put them in the difficult position by expecting such or asking. Please. Please respect their job and professionalism. If they feel it appropriate then and only then will they divulge things about themselves.

About the only thing personal I know about my psychiatrist is that he has a young adult son who is headstrong and lacking in responsibility. It was worded simply as, 'If only he had a little of the motivation your son has' and we left it at that. It was more of a positive comment on my life than telling me about his own. The closest to having a personal relationship is that he has a painting of mine on his wall - and this he purchased.

The only thing I know about my therapist is that she practises an earth based approach to her spirituality. We have not discussed this but I know this based on objects I recognise as such placed about her room. I doubt most people would. The closest I have gotten personal with her is that I brought an eagle feather for inclusion amongst these objects in her office. I made it clear it was not a gift to her but to her other clients.

I know there will be many who disagree with me. But that line we do not cross of professionalism must start somewhere. For me it is strict. Others though may find it a softer line with some grey area. Regardless though, it is up to your mental healthcare professional to make that line clear about what they divulge and what they absolutely won't. It is your job to respect that. If they wish you to know anything they will tell you but it is your job to respect their professionalism, and not ask. We shouldn't no matter how much we might wish to, jeopardize their job.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 10:14 AM
  #76
Based upon a couple of conversations I have had with EMDR T the last couple of weeks, I wonder if it MIGHT have something to do with how the conversation is going and not necessarily that he is hiding the information.

On occasion she and I will be talking and she will tell me something and then realize what she said. Then she will say she dint know why she told me that. On example was Qe were talking about me being unable to sleep the night before. I told her I wasnt sure if I took my meds and was afraid to take them. She told me that happened to her the week before and she ended up taking 2 doses of her birth control and the side effects.

She has never refused to answer questions but I cant imagine me asking anything more personal than that. However, I could see her realizing I am trying to avoid a discussion by asking her questions so her not wanting to answer.

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 01:14 PM
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Just remember the relationship you have with your therapist is NOT like that of others. They are not even an acquaintance. Please keep this in mind. It is not for them to develop a personal connection with you. Professionally, they are required to remain uninvolved. So don't expect to know anything personal about them. Please don't put them in the difficult position by expecting such or asking. Please. Please respect their job and professionalism. If they feel it appropriate then and only then will they divulge things about themselves.

About the only thing personal I know about my psychiatrist is that he has a young adult son who is headstrong and lacking in responsibility. It was worded simply as, 'If only he had a little of the motivation your son has' and we left it at that. It was more of a positive comment on my life than telling me about his own. The closest to having a personal relationship is that he has a painting of mine on his wall - and this he purchased.

The only thing I know about my therapist is that she practises an earth based approach to her spirituality. We have not discussed this but I know this based on objects I recognise as such placed about her room. I doubt most people would. The closest I have gotten personal with her is that I brought an eagle feather for inclusion amongst these objects in her office. I made it clear it was not a gift to her but to her other clients.

I know there will be many who disagree with me. But that line we do not cross of professionalism must start somewhere. For me it is strict. Others though may find it a softer line with some grey area. Regardless though, it is up to your mental healthcare professional to make that line clear about what they divulge and what they absolutely won't. It is your job to respect that. If they wish you to know anything they will tell you but it is your job to respect their professionalism, and not ask. We shouldn't no matter how much we might wish to, jeopardize their job.
I agree with the majority of what you wrote. Regarding this last sentence, I don't think the client has any wish to jeopardize the therapist's job. Even if there was such a wish or the client for some reason desperately desires the answer to a question, it is on the therapist to explain why it shouldn't be answered. Therefore, the therapist's job is not in jeopardy.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #78
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Just remember the relationship you have with your therapist is NOT like that of others. They are not even an acquaintance. Please keep this in mind. It is not for them to develop a personal connection with you. Professionally, they are required to remain uninvolved. So don't expect to know anything personal about them. Please don't put them in the difficult position by expecting such or asking. Please. Please respect their job and professionalism. If they feel it appropriate then and only then will they divulge things about themselves.
So the idea is that people with relationship problems should put their trust in a mechanical relationship devoid of personal connection with someone who reveals as little as possible and who answers to no one? What could possibly go wrong...

I'd say the client is in the difficult position in this scenario.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:43 PM
  #79
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just remember the relationship you have with your therapist is not like that of others. They are not even an acquaintance. Please keep this in mind. It is not for them to develop a personal connection with you. Professionally, they are required to remain uninvolved. So don't expect to know anything personal about them. Please don't put them in the difficult position by expecting such or asking. Please. Please respect their job and professionalism. If they feel it appropriate then and only then will they divulge things about themselves.

About the only thing personal i know about my psychiatrist is that he has a young adult son who is headstrong and lacking in responsibility. It was worded simply as, 'if only he had a little of the motivation your son has' and we left it at that. It was more of a positive comment on my life than telling me about his own. The closest to having a personal relationship is that he has a painting of mine on his wall - and this he purchased.

The only thing i know about my therapist is that she practises an earth based approach to her spirituality. We have not discussed this but i know this based on objects i recognise as such placed about her room. I doubt most people would. The closest i have gotten personal with her is that i brought an eagle feather for inclusion amongst these objects in her office. I made it clear it was not a gift to her but to her other clients.

I know there will be many who disagree with me. But that line we do not cross of professionalism must start somewhere. For me it is strict. Others though may find it a softer line with some grey area. Regardless though, it is up to your mental healthcare professional to make that line clear about what they divulge and what they absolutely won't. It is your job to respect that. If they wish you to know anything they will tell you but it is your job to respect their professionalism, and not ask. We shouldn't no matter how much we might wish to, jeopardize their job.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:16 PM
  #80
Clients get to ask whatever they want. A therapist's job is not jeopardized by a client asking a question. The therapist, like the client, may decide to decline to answer any question - but the asking is not wrong.

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