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LonesomeTonight
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 11:16 AM
  #581
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Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
No, never. Are you on tapatalk? I never use it but if you are on it, perhaps that's the issue?

Nope, laptop. But last time it didn't require it, so maybe a temporary glitch?
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 11:18 AM
  #582
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Almost never. My husband and I saw the same therapist and we still rarely discussed our individual sessions with each other. It wasn't about secrecy as much as respect for each other's individual space.


It sounds like your husband is anxious about something. At least, that would be what was going on in my husband started asking those kinds of questions. Can you respond by simply asking him what is on his mind, or what is he worried about? Sometimes just letting him know you recognize his anxiety will help calm that down and even open up some real conversation. Most of our marriage issues came back to the basic problem of poor communication. We did a lot of protecting each other with our silence which really did exactly the opposite and created constant tension.
Thanks Artley. He has wanted me to quit therapy off and on over the years which is part of it I'm sure. He was happy that I'd stopped in February. He's also afraid that she's going to convince me to leave him because of my realizations about my sexuality. Which complicates everything.

But I still want our marriage to work. My vows are sacred to me regardless of anything else. She understands that and is helping me work through it all. Right now I am working on shadow stuff - those things about myself that I don't accept and so am probably projecting them on h causing stupid fights. I am seeing one of them now and working to accept that bit of me before these stupid fights drive him away anyway. My life feels very complicated atm. Sorry for rambling.

I do that too. Try to protect him with silence. It doesn't work.
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 11:27 AM
  #583
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Originally Posted by atisketatasket View Post
What if I charged interest in hugs and kisses? Those are real variables not nominal ones.


Art--from your husband's perspective, I would be anxious about your return to therapy. I don't know if you told him how therapy helped you realize your sexual identity, but even if you didn't--last time you spent time in therapy, you then came out to him. So it's quite possible he fears this latest round of therapy will lead to you leaving. I think what he was really asking was did anything change in the situation between the two of you. If you don't go back, everything is go-ahead with you staying, and if you do go back for x amount of time, can he expect to be left at the end of that time?


Really what would most allay his anxiety is to sit down and hash out the question of your marriage. Are you staying together, are you going for an open marriage, etc. Because right now he probably feels held hostage to suspense.


Oh, to answer your question--No. 1 and 2ex overlapped for I guess 7 months or so. He never asked about sessions, although he did ask when I ended things if this was my therapist's idea. (Cause I'm so weak-minded. In the same conversation he speculated I might be leaving because I'd suffered brain damage when the ventilator died during my surgery a month before. Cause no one would leave that prince among men unless they were brain-damaged. )
I think you're right that's what he's worried about. We should sit down and have another discussion about that. I can tell him I'm working out some things inside myself to stop me from reacting such and such way in those situations because I want us to stay together and the stupid fights I cause sometimes are not helping. Because I do want us to stay together. I'm not ready to give up on our marriage no matter what else. I don't have to give more details. But it's also because if we do split up, I want to be able to walk away a whole person. L said yesterday that she sees a whole person. I said she has magic glasses. I'm not sure how whole I am right now.
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 11:28 AM
  #584
art--I would encourage you to consider that although something may be sacred to someone, that doesn't mean it results in good for all. (See: the Crusades.)

Sometimes the best thing for a marriage is to end it.
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 11:45 AM
  #585
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Originally Posted by atisketatasket View Post
art--I would encourage you to consider that although something may be sacred to someone, that doesn't mean it results in good for all. (See: the Crusades.)


Sometimes the best thing for a marriage is to end it.
I hadn't thought of it quite that way. But the fact remains that I still can't picture my life without him in it at this point. I still love him and still want things to work if they can. Is that so wrong?
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 12:10 PM
  #586
@@ - i would have been SOOOOO tempted to say that when the respirator failed, i headed toward a bright light and it told me if i chose to return, i had to leave him...

So i guess i AM a little meaner than you!

Brain damage. What a doof. I'll give HIM brain damage!
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 12:16 PM
  #587
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I hadn't thought of it quite that way. But the fact remains that I still can't picture my life without him in it at this point. I still love him and still want things to work if they can. Is that so wrong?
No one said anything was wrong. It's right...if both of you decide to go this route. He's been leaving it all up to you, and that's not fair to you.
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 12:19 PM
  #588
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No one said anything was wrong. It's right...if both of you decide to go this route. He's been leaving it all up to you, and that's not fair to you.
thank you. I appreciate that last more than you know.
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:18 PM
  #589
When I was seeing the therapist I never shared my sessions with H. He would ask sometimes: So, how was therapy?
I would simply reply that the therapy was my time, my thing and I do not wish to share about my sessions, BUT- I also didn’t come out to my husband. (Well I’m straight so there is nothing to come out about) but..I’m sure your H is worried Art.
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:24 PM
  #590
I share a quick summary with H about my sessions. No details really. I share with my dad too.

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:45 PM
  #591
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Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn View Post
thank you. I appreciate that last more than you know.
Well, we often just want our partners not to be who they are. No pointing fingers there. Just saying, thats repetition compulsion. Thats what happens when "the sins of the father" etc. Thats why spousal abuse and taking so long for the ERA, which isnt even a thing, really.

Boy the sixties just flew right back at me there! The personal IS political! Think glocally, act locally!
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:45 PM
  #592
WOOT! I am not crazy... ok, not entirely true... but for this one, small example...
I just found undeniable proof that facilities DO exist for my son, that I HAVE been taking all the right steps and the people I am talking to, that say they have no clue what I am talking about, ARE the access point to those services!!!
Now, let’s see if I can confront the lies and dodging without getting arrested. Today would not be the day for that so we will wait until at least Monday...
So, if I am not on for a while can we do a couch pitch in for bail money?

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:46 PM
  #593
Phew it has been a year since I've been on here! Since then, I have graduated uni, have had two jobs, and tried rTMS...all just to end up back on here feeling down.

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:48 PM
  #594
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Uh, anyone else having to suddenly answer a Captcha "I'm not a robot" thing whenever they post?
Not that, but Tapatalk is suddenly making me sign in every time I want to post/ reply.
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:53 PM
  #595
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Well, we often just want our partners not to be who they are. No pointing fingers there. Just saying, thats repetition compulsion. Thats what happens when "the sins of the father" etc. Thats why spousal abuse and taking so long for the ERA, which isnt even a thing, really.


Boy the sixties just flew right back at me there! The personal IS political! Think glocally, act locally!
And evidently I don't even want ME to be who I am. After all this time and so much hard work and a lot of progress in other areas (like finally forgiving my mother and stuff) at the end of the day I'm still denying parts of myself.
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 01:59 PM
  #596
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Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn View Post
Not that, but Tapatalk is suddenly making me sign in every time I want to post/ reply.
And tapatalk is unconsciously trying to make you make your identity choice conscious. Boy these psych channels dont fool around!
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 02:03 PM
  #597
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And evidently I don't even want ME to be who I am. After all this time and so much hard work and a lot of progress in other areas (like finally forgiving my mother and stuff) at the end of the day I'm still denying parts of myself.
I think it's easier to change when other people are involved. Also having a better relationship with your mother is a clear benefit to YOU. Not denying parts of yourself means change that may be both painful and rewarding. The rewarding part often comes after the painful part.

Marshmallow, anyone?
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 02:03 PM
  #598
I Couch 198: All the Countries Couch you una. Couch 198: All the Countries Couch
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 02:05 PM
  #599
In other news I ordered my current prof's book of poems. I'm very interested to read her work, it should be arriving today.
 
 
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 02:11 PM
  #600
Evening, Couch!

I've been feeling like a swamp monster, but it's been a creative day in Lostland. Finished a watercolour painting for an exhibition next weekend, as part of my watercolour class.

In Couch Food News - where have burritos been all my life? Made and ate my first (two) tonight. Could have fed the 5000 with the amount I had left over.

Vegetarian chili - those things are good!

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