Couch 198: All the Countries Couch

Jun 15, 2019 at 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

The deplaning does a lot of showing, not telling. I remember this stuff from my playwright days. What you wrote about getting shoved back down in your seat was kinda shocking.

but that's not showing feeeeeeeelings.
that's just describing what somebody else did?

unaluna · Jun 15, 2019 at 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

but that's not showing feeeeeeeelings.
that's just describing what somebody else did?

Well you cant just say, he didnt like the hand he was dealt,

You gotta say, he slammed his cards on the table.

That way you show his anger?

NP_Complete · Jun 15, 2019 at 04:23 PM

Can you write a poem about your feeling of failure around trying to write a poem? It seems very here-and-now for you and it might be easier to put more of yourself into it.

stopdog · Jun 15, 2019 at 04:29 PM

Write about the woman you were in love with/meeting/being with/ parting

Jun 15, 2019 at 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Can you write a poem about your feeling of failure around trying to write a poem? It seems very here-and-now for you and it might be easier to put more of yourself into it.

That's a good idea! Thank you.

"show your feelings,
don't just talk about having them.
We want to see you.
Don't hide."

But if I come out from behind
this wall of fear that clothes me
I'll be naked in the middle of the room
with a light shining on me
my heart pounding wildly;
the others dressed in judge's robes
quietly safe in the shadows.

how's that? *edited to replace "king's" with "judges" thanks NP!

stopdog · Jun 15, 2019 at 04:39 PM

The can of chestnut puree she brought back as a present to you from Paris in 1994. You remember opening the gift wrapped can and then staring at it perplexed. Her excited explanation about how she was going to make you chestnut crepes like she had on her trip and wanted you to taste and know of her in that sharing. It held more allure in the promise of remembered experience than in the actually doing. The idea was resurrected every few years. That one can kept for 23 years.

Jun 15, 2019 at 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Write about the woman you were in love with/meeting/being with/ parting

You know... that's a really good idea too thank you. Those feelings were so much bigger than the ones that were churned up in the coffee shop and so should be a lot easier to show. Yet they're far enough in the past that I won't be bawling my eyes out and all that lovely stuff.

NP_Complete · Jun 15, 2019 at 04:42 PM

I like it. Maybe they should be judges robes? Or maybe I'm projecting.

Jun 15, 2019 at 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I like it. Maybe they should be judges robes?

Yes!!! So edited.

stopdog · 05:12 PM

It was spring and you can recall the light as she leaned against her car while you went on about something. Insulted Robert Frost poetry and she protested. It can smack you out of the blue and take away your breath, the way you felt that night and her hair and her perfume. Why can't you remember what she wore?
The following long walks, the talks, the feeling of her hand on you. Remembering the sunlight in her bedroom as you lay there in the morning. Watching her sleep, touching her hips, her back, her breasts. Feeling her chin on your head when she stood behind you and pulled you to her, both facing out. The way you fit together. Falling asleep on her shoulder. But not the first kiss or even the first night together although you are convinced it was a night. You are fairly conventional like that.

Jun 15, 2019 at 05:07 PM

does this "show" how i feel instead of just talking abstractly about the emotion? (a snippet from current poem)

"the learned belief that bad experiences are to be avoided
at all cost
because to have them would mean
that I am not good enough."

Jun 15, 2019 at 05:10 PM

wow, sd. just, wow.

must.not.hug.sd.

NP_Complete · Jun 15, 2019 at 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

does this "show" how i feel instead of just talking abstractly about the emotion? (a snippet from current poem)

"the learned belief that bad experiences are to be avoided
at all cost
because to have them would mean
that I am not good enough."

This feels intellectual to me.

Jun 15, 2019 at 05:18 PM

damn.

but thanks.

why is this so hard?!

i'll keep working at it!

Jun 15, 2019 at 05:26 PM

ok going with sd's suggestion now and breaking away from the assignment:

"The scent of rain on pine trees calls me back
to the summer of ‘86
I can almost feel again
the gentle yet insistent tug of your fingers
against my shirt
as you pull me closer...
my heart beating madly
my mind not really believing
and then
your kiss
as if it were my first; and
softer than the moan
that escapes my throat"

Jun 15, 2019 at 05:27 PM

(runs and hides under the bed)

atisketatasket · Jun 15, 2019 at 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

ok going with sd's suggestion now and breaking away from the assignment:

"The scent of rain on pine trees calls me back
to the summer of ‘86
I can almost feel again
the gentle yet insistent tug of your fingers
against my shirt
as you pull me closer...
my heart beating madly
my mind not really believing
and then
your kiss
as if it were my first; and
softer than the moan
that escapes my throat"

I would take out ‘86 (it’s specific and you want to focus on mood). Also “can almost”—that is you thinking, not feeling. It distances you and the reader from the experience.

I might replace “as if it were my first” with “my true first kiss.” Use comma, not semi-colon.

I think it’s closer to “you.”

Jun 15, 2019 at 05:52 PM

Damn! again.

but at least it's closer.

Thanks.

Jun 15, 2019 at 05:55 PM

"Scent of rain on pine trees calls me back
to that long-ago summer of us
I feel once more
the gentle yet insistent tug of your fingers
against my shirt
as you pull me closer...
my heart beating madly
my mind not really believing
and then
your kiss,
my true first kiss, and
softer than the moan
that escapes my throat"

better?

unaluna · Jun 15, 2019 at 06:25 PM

"I'll have what sd's vaping!"

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Couch 198: All the Countries Couch

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NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,808 7 6,352 hugs given	Jun 15, 2019 at 04:23 PM #163 Can you write a poem about your feeling of failure around trying to write a poem? It seems very here-and-now for you and it might be easier to put more of yourself into it.

stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 34,730 (SuperPoster!) 12 1 hugs given	Jun 15, 2019 at 04:29 PM #164 Write about the woman you were in love with/meeting/being with/ parting __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,808 7 6,352 hugs given	Jun 15, 2019 at 04:42 PM #168 I like it. Maybe they should be judges robes? Or maybe I'm projecting.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 15, 2019 at 05:07 PM #171 does this "show" how i feel instead of just talking abstractly about the emotion? (a snippet from current poem) "the learned belief that bad experiences are to be avoided at all cost because to have them would mean that I am not good enough."

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 15, 2019 at 05:10 PM #172 wow, sd. just, wow. must.not.hug.sd.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 15, 2019 at 05:18 PM #174 damn. but thanks. why is this so hard?! i'll keep working at it!

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 15, 2019 at 05:27 PM #176 (runs and hides under the bed)

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 15, 2019 at 05:52 PM #178 Damn! again. but at least it's closer. Thanks.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 15, 2019 at 05:55 PM #179 "Scent of rain on pine trees calls me back to that long-ago summer of us I feel once more the gentle yet insistent tug of your fingers against my shirt as you pull me closer... my heart beating madly my mind not really believing and then your kiss, my true first kiss, and softer than the moan that escapes my throat" better?

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,867 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.4k hugs given	Jun 15, 2019 at 06:25 PM #180 "I'll have what sd's vaping!"