Couch 198: All the Countries Couch

Thanks. I’ll look at these.

I was talking to my T Thursday about how my mom seems to just disregard that fact the D is on the spectrum. Like he just acts like she's a neurotypical child. And T said, "So she's treating her just like she treated you." Then, seeing the look on my face, he said, "I guess you didn't realize that before?" I don't think I really had. My mom seemed to just disregard that I had anxiety and OCD, or at least would see them more as inconveniences rather than having empathy for me and trying to help me. T said I'm here to shield D from that, whereas I didn't have anyone to shield me. My dad was pretty absent emotionally and, as I talked about in there Friday, it seemed like he'd just try to protect my mom's emotions. So he'd be upset with me if I upset her/caused her distress. It was like no one heard *me*.

Another example is that my mom's best friend gets migraines. My mom seems to have a lot of sympathy for her about them. When I started getting migraines in my early 20s, my mom just seemed to dismiss them. When I had to leave a shopping trip with my dad because I got a bad one, she seemed annoyed about it, not sympathetic. It's like she can have that for other people, but not me. I'm just supposed to suck it all up and not let any weaknesses (mental or physical) show. Because that might look bad to her. T was saying that maybe she sees my D's autism as almost shameful to her. Which makes sense. As I'm pretty sure she sees any of my failings in terms of how they reflect on her.

My dad seems much more understanding and empathetic about stuff lately, like since I've had my D and she got diagnosed. Even though he wasn't like that when I was a kid. Like he's always saying "I love you" to me and D now. I've started wondering lately if he could be on the spectrum and mentioned that to T this week. It would explain a lot. And he's an engineer, which my T said is common field for people on the spectrum because of how their minds work. I'm rambling now...

What is it that you want your mother to do differently concerning your daughter?

I miss my Dad. I wish I could call him and listen to him ramble on for a while.

Hugs LT. Your mom sounds a lot like mine was when I was growing up. Moving across the country from her 20+ years ago and therapy both, helped me a lot.

Well, not laughing if she's upset would be a start. But also feeling like I could talk about stuff with her autism or IEP with her. Because my mom just seems to dismiss it all and say, "But she's so smart." Uh, she can be both smart and on the spectrum... I wish I could talk to her about parenting stuff, but she also seems to laugh if I tell her about certain challenges. I guess I want...support and empathy. I suppose the same things I wanted from her when I was a kid...I got support in certain areas (like dating...at times), but not others.

Hugs, NP....

Morning couchies!! My son will be landing in Germany in about 20 minutes! So excited for him.

I think it is possible your mother simply doesn't know exactly what to do. Have you tried asking specifically for what you want - not general like I want more support, but like "Mom, when (daughter) does X, it would help me if you did Y(specific Y).

Maybe it wouldn't work, but I wouldn't know what someone wanted from me in the situation you described. I would probably see laughing as the least harmful thing I could do in the situation.

LT

I can relate, while I don't have kids, being dismissed/ignored is my biggest trigger in life. It is because it's something my mom has always done. I've always been forgotten. The thing I've realized since therapy, nothing I say or do or wish can change her. She has to decide to change if she wants but I can't force it. What I can do, is be the best version of me I can be. I can like myself, and try to be around the people I do find in life who don't ignore or dismiss me. I also keep in mind that everyone handles things differently, for their own reasons, even though it seems personal, it might have nothing to do with me.

I wish things could be better for you but I don't know that it will ever change. Maybe finding some online friends who have children on the spectrum could help, it could give you a chance to have more support and people to talk to who understand. Even in person is better but unsure how to find them. Good luck

I was going to smoke some pork belly today but we have thunderstorms and my smoker isn't covered. I am a fair weather bbq-er

Too bad you can't smoke the pork today. It sounds good.

This economics chapter is on aggregate supply and demand.

I don’t like the sound of that “aggregate.”

Maybe. I was actually thinking that the moving distracted him from himself. Now that we're settled in, he's bored again and is focusing on his health again.

Just got word my brother and his wife have picked up my son at the airport! I'm so excited for him having this adventure.

Anything you feel comfortable in.

Thanks, I should probably give that a try. I think I've tried to tell her stuff before about how to handle a meltdown, but it didn't take. She had another one at their house while I was there, but I managed to get her out of it using some distractions.

Thanks, DP. I doubt my mom will change either, like I could try to talk to her, but I just don't know how effective it will be. I am in some Facebook groups for parents of kids on the spectrum and actually have met a couple of them in person, and it's helped to be able to talk about shared experiences. And just talking to someone who "gets it" is nice. One of them I see every couple months for lunch--which reminds me that I should try to make plans with her again.

I'm exactly the same way. I'm way overweight and very self conscious. I wear a suit that has a lengthy skirt to cover most of my thighs. I haven't gone to a pool in years despite the fact I was on swim team throughout my school years (back when I was thin). Hugs.