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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 12:17 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
I do relate to feeling like a child. In fact, I just told her that last session. I also know that I do have a pattern of idealizing and devaluing people. If I at some point felt good about a person, I will usually give them chances. But if they somehow affect my life negatively, they are written off, deemed "bad". I can only remember one person who started off "bad" and went to "good".

I'm sorry, but I don't really have posts about L. There hasn't been much to write about. I can tell you that we get along really well, always laughing, I'm open and honest, time flies by, she listens to me and repeats back in her own words what I say to make sure she understands, she responds to every email I write, she's given me two transitional objects, I gave her two gifts which she accepted. She's very gentle, kind, understanding. We just started hugs. She's answered all my personal questions at least in a vague way. She trusts me, feels I'm genuine, says she cares about me. I told her I care about her and feel connected.

I think part of my problem is one the therapeutic relationship is unbalanced, the T has more "power" and so you look up to them. It's also hard when you're divulging your life, and they share very little. I don't have much to judge her by. Plus, she's in a caregiver type field. And she believes attachment is a good thing.

I am thinking that I idealize her at least a little. But I think, I just don't have enough information to determine if she has "bad" qualities. Sure, there's things I don't like, for example some of her boundaries, but that more about me than her.
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Even if I am idealizing her a little (or a lot) is that really such a bad thing? At least I'm aware it's a possibility.
That all sounds healthy rather than idealizing. I think she just does therapy in a supportive way. I don't think idealizing a little bit can hurt much. But if you can't hold good/bad image of her at the same, I doubt that will change with the type of therapy you are doing. In order to change that, you'd have to go through the process of her not meeting your needs, expectations, etc., over and over again. To do that, you'd have to feel anger, disappointment, hurt, etc.

Some people don't feel they need that from the therapy, so if you are happy with it, maybe let it be. I think what's happening is that maybe you don't feel challenged enough by her. If you have life stressors right now, maybe that's a good thing.
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ScarletPimpernel, Xynesthesia2

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 01:01 PM
  #22
I also think a moderate dose of idealizing is not a bad thing. We more easily accept observations, support, suggestions from people we admire and see as competent, I think. I would say it's more about how much the idealization is and how it manifests. For example, if it blocks someone from seeing that the therapy is useless or directly harmful for a long time, or if it prevents the person from seeking other types of help, social connections etc persistently, then I think it is a bad, blinding thing. I am personally also not a big fan of people feeling so attached to their Ts that it causes them a lot of suffering but some say that is a necessary phase of therapy for certain people.

I can't comment on feeling like a child or seeing a person in monochrome, but perhaps it is more effective to assess whether the therapy is good rather than the therapist as a whole person. Unless you want to work on your perception of people in general and how you relate to them. I think massive idealizing can be quite frustrating for the person in the receiving end as well - I know this from a couple instances when they happened to me. I did not like it and reacted to it usually with actively destroying the other person's illusions. It creates expectations one cannot realistically fulfill and can make one feel like they are not seen and appreciated for their real qualities. Can also keep a relationship quite superficial - not a good thing in long-term relationships, I think. But what you describe does not sound like blind idealizing.
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