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Lrad123
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 08:57 PM
  #1
I didn’t think I wanted this, but then I emailed my T the day before my last session and he suggested that maybe I did it because I wanted him to think of me outside of session. I’m not sure. I lean towards wanting to seem self-sufficient and not being intrusive or having too many needs, so I hadn’t thought that that was what I was doing, and frankly it sort of bothers me that I might have been doing that on an unconscious level. I told him I just wanted to give him a heads up about a certain topic and wanted to be polite by telling him in advance so he wouldn’t be caught off guard. Do you want your therapist to think of you outside of your session? Do you act on it? I suppose it would be pretty common.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:13 PM
  #2
I do want my T to think of me outside of session. However, I don't think emailing your T necessarily means that's what you were looking for. I think in my case, some of my emails might be partly about wanting him to think of me or wanting connection, but not the only reason and certainly not all of my emails. The thing is, if it is partly about wanting him to think about you, I feel it's completely natural to want that--from T, from other people in our lives. And it could be something interesting to discuss, particularly as you said you tend to be more self-sufficient.. At the same time, it sounds like your reason for sending the email wasn't about that. I've sent similar emails, where it's more been like, "I need to talk about x, make sure I talk about that tomorrow" or something to that effect. And that's just helping me to not bail out on talking about a particular topic.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:14 PM
  #3
Yes, I will admit that I want to be thought of. And I sometimes question my motives for sending a particular email. Not all the time, but some of the time. My therapist has, however, told me that he thinks of me more than I probably realize (he basically said every day), and sometimes that helps when I'm feeling particularly lonely.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:37 PM
  #4
I used to send empty texts every couple of months so I knew he had to think of me when he read my name a couple seconds felt better than nothing. I just wanted to be seen outside of a session
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 10:35 PM
  #5
I do. we text each other regularly. Also, she says she thinks of me often because she has things from me around her house as well as pictures of me on her phone. we like to give each other gifts to remind us of each other.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 11:22 PM
  #6
Yes and no? A passing thought occasionally but nothing long term. I just don't want him to forget I exist. As for the emails, I have emailed to maintain the connection (and I usually outright admit that in the email), but I also email topics I need to discuss and those have nothing to do with the connection. It is about efficiency and not wanting to chicken out about bringing up some topics. I agree with LT about it being normal to want to maintain that connection though.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 12:32 AM
  #7
Yes I do.

I don't email though. I message through an app. She'll read them on her own time (she doesn't get push notifications, so there's no urgency or disruption to her work or personal life, we ensured that), and I get an automated read receipt. It also isn't a notification so I have to specifically check messages to see the read receipt. Her boundary is that she won't reply to any messages, but me seeing the read receipt is comforting enough.

We've also talked in sessions about my desire to be thought of outside of sessions. I don't want her to obsess or worry, definitely, but want to sometimes be "held in mind". Especially during long therapy breaks. She has told me she does think of patients outside their sessions and does hold me in mind.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:48 AM
  #8
I want and I'm pretty sure that he sometimes thinks of me. We've been together so long that I believe I have a pretty strong representation in his mind. Not that I would think he thinks about me obsessively or longs to see me but similarly as he is part of my everyday life, I'm in a way part of his everyday life too.

I tend to agree with your T that behind sending these emails could be wanting to be in his mind between sessions. The explanation you give yourself (I just wanted to give him a heads up about a certain topic and wanted to be polite by telling him in advance so he wouldn’t be caught off guard.) might make sense to you consciously but I personally don't buy it. It sounds like an explanation fabricated by your conscious mind to get what you need but because what you need feels shameful or embarrassing to you then another, less shameful reason has to be created. I absolutely don't mean to imply that it is happening consciously or manipulatively. Also, I do not think there is anything shameful or wrong in it.

But really, where comes this idea that you somehow have to worry about him not getting caught off guard by something you tell him in session? I mean, the whole therapy is built up this way that people come in and tell what's on their mind and in that sense, it's really part of the job to get caught off guard all the time. Why do you think you need to take care of him in such a way?
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 05:40 AM
  #9
Sure, I wanted my Ts to think of me and the stuff I brought to therapy - that's why I hired them. I don't think it can be easily compartmentalized into 1-2 hours a week and I also don't believe that would be efficient as their most interesting thoughts might now just come because it is session time. Much like why I wrote many emails, because my mental processes often went much further and became more complete with a bit of time and with weighing things more deeply on my own. If I only expressed what occurred to me in the sessions, it would have been a seriously truncated and probably even distorted image of me with one hour per week. It still was, even with the emails.

Otherwise I agree with what LT said. A lot of my emails were primarily processing things for myself but I wanted to share, make them think about it, and discuss a good bunch of it.

I think self-sufficiency and wanting feedback from other people, connection etc are not mutually exclusive at all. In fact, I believe isolating, keeping everything to ourselves, not asking for and being open to feedback can seriously limit and distort healthy self-sufficiency and efficacy. I used to discuss similar things a lot with friends a few years ago, contrasting the concepts of independence vs. interdependence. But I relate to what you wrote in the OP because I tended to think quite similarly when I was young and was also often conflicted and ambivalent about it. For me, the best lessons and resolutions eventually came from collaborations and teamwork in my profession, which I had problems with initially but grew to really appreciate and enjoy. Sometimes I still struggle with it because I get the automatic old feelings that I should be able to manage everything on my own... but then I think about all the much better experiences with collaborations and I can easily let it go. Similar with friendships - most people like to be needed and want to contribute and are not put off by a healthy dose of vulnerability and asking for support/input. I think one can also use therapy to explore and expand these things. It is similar to work collaborations in a sense that we are supposed to respect some rules and our colleagues time/autonomy and interact in a way that is mutually agreeable. I guess therapy can make this more free because we can bend the rules and get disorganized.

Last edited by Xynesthesia2; Jun 17, 2019 at 06:00 AM..
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 06:32 AM
  #10
Yes, but not too much. I sometimes worry I'll be forgotten and discarded by the people I care about, so I guess this also spread to the therapeutic relationship. I haven't sent emails recently since I feel like they're mostly ignored, even though T has said she reads them but doesn't necessarily reply.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 06:42 AM
  #11
Yes, I can't say how important to me it is that he thinks about my case/ me outside of session; I want him to processes our session, and give thought to our relationship and me. If I found out he shut the office door and never thought about me again, I would quit that day. Keeping someone in mind/ object constancy/ real attachment- these are things we talk about so if it were just lipservice I would be crushed. If a T has 15- to 40 clients, their wellbeing is on that T's watch.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 07:43 AM
  #12
I like it when he says things like “a friend of mine mentioned xyz, it made me think of you.” I guess I like to know that I’m not just a patient he forgets about after our paid for 50 minute session. Makes the whole thing feel more genuine, more human.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 07:56 AM
  #13
There have been a couple of times when he’s mentioned a specific instance that he thought of me outside of session. It honestly felt odd and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I assumed he was trying to reinforce connection and I guess I felt a little suspicious for some reason, maybe because I was wondering how genuine it was. I suppose that says more about me than him.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 08:05 AM
  #14
No, I don’t want my therapist to think of me outside of our sessions. I don’t like attention focused on myself. Once in awhile my therapist will say something like, “I thought of you when I saw/heard...” and it makes me feel a little anxious. I would much prefer that my therapist focus her time, attention, and energy on all of her other clients during the week so that I just sort of fade into the background for her. I’m not exactly sure why I don’t want any extra attention and I don’t plan to ever bring this topic up with my T. I guess I just attribute it to being introverted.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 08:24 AM
  #15
I email T frequently but it is things that I forgot in session or can’t bring up in session. If I am having a particularly hard week I will send him updates. He would prefer I call but is OK with the emails if that is where I am at right now. However, I have even told him that I don’t expect him to read them outside of his office nor do they have to be read outside of session.I try very hard not to ask for his attention when he is with family. If he is out of town on work I worry less. I know he thinks about me through his week, it is just who he is.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 08:45 AM
  #16
"Want" him to? I don't think that was that important to me. I assumed he did from time to time in passing. I mean, I think about various students even when they're not in front of my nose and I have a whole lot more students than my therapist had clients and know them a lot less intimately. In fact, I was always a bit taken aback when he mentioned having thought about me (which he did from time to time). It was nice to hear I guess, but still surprised me somewhat that his thoughts about me were important enough to him that he mentioned them in session. In other words, they weren't just passing thoughts, but rather, more involved, deeper thinking kind of thoughts.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 09:55 AM
  #17
Yes. 8 char
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 10:06 AM
  #18
Not particularly. I can't see how would have benefitted me for the therapist to do so. I doubt they remembered who I was without their appointment books in front of them.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 10:23 AM
  #19
I had a t that did often. I could tell by little things by random texts from him etc. It was great at the time but all it did was cause me to like and want him more, to feel more connected. In the end none of that mattered, I didn't matter.

No way I'd want it again...i don't need to be set up for heartache again. I'd rather just be a client and t. No feelings

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 12:00 PM
  #20
At times yes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by feileacan View Post
I tend to agree with your T that behind sending these emails could be wanting to be in his mind between sessions. The explanation you give yourself (I just wanted to give him a heads up about a certain topic and wanted to be polite by telling him in advance so he wouldn’t be caught off guard.) might make sense to you consciously but I personally don't buy it. It sounds like an explanation fabricated by your conscious mind to get what you need but because what you need feels shameful or embarrassing to you then another, less shameful reason has to be created. I absolutely don't mean to imply that it is happening consciously or manipulatively. Also, I do not think there is anything shameful or wrong in it.

But really, where comes this idea that you somehow have to worry about him not getting caught off guard by something you tell him in session? I mean, the whole therapy is built up this way that people come in and tell what's on their mind and in that sense, it's really part of the job to get caught off guard all the time. Why do you think you need to take care of him in such a way?
To give another perspective, I sometimes send topics in email or write in my journal ahead of time to give my T heads up because I want her to have had time to think of how to respond to me in a way that would be most helpful for me. I know that if she was to respond in certain ways it would be damaging for our relationship/me. I used to do it a lot early on, it has lessened significantly.
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