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Lrad123
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 06:54 PM
  #1
There’s this thing that my T does that I assume is some sort of textbook nonverbal communication technique and I find it interesting because it’s not something that occurs (with me anyway) in other interactions in my daily life. I assume many therapists do this, but Im curious about it.

We have a fair amount of silences. Usually he doesn’t look at me during the silences which is nice. I know this because I will occasionally look at him and he often seems thoughtful and his gaze is off to the side and it makes me feel more at ease that he’s not looking at me waiting for me to talk. But every once in a while, after I say something he will continue to look at me. I’ll look away and then back at him, sometimes multiple times, and I’ll find that he’s still looking straight at me. I’m never aware that I’ve said anything earth-shattering, and it makes me pause and think about what I’ve just said that may have prompted this behavior from him. Because it’s not something one would do in a conversation with a colleague or friend. I assume that’s why he does it and I assume it’s a technique, right? The look is also sort of weirdly nice, so maybe it’s partly a nonverbal technique therapists use to make us feel like we’re being seen. I suppose it’s not an action that’s meant to be dissected, but I just find it interesting and am wondering what others think of this experience.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 09:31 PM
  #2
I don't know, that doesn't really sound like some sort of therapeutic technique to me. Sounds pretty much how I act if I'm sitting having a conversation with someone. I don't just sit there and look at them through silences as if staring them down, and they don't do that to me, either. If one of us starts talking, the other directs their gaze to the one talking. Obviously, not if we're in the car, walking somewhere, or doing some other activity, but if we're in a setup similar to therapy. For example, if I'm out to eat with somebody, and they're talking, I'm not off looking in other directions.

Do you have anyone irl that you talk with on a deep level? Anyone that you have comfortable, companionable silences with? Because this just doesn't strike me as a therapeutic technique.

P.S. The therapist does actually stare me down through silences. One time I asked her if she was going to say something, and she said no, what did I think she was going to say. I said nothing, she was looking at me. She laughed and said she had been looking at me the whole time!

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Last edited by susannahsays; Jun 17, 2019 at 11:48 PM..
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 09:48 PM
  #3
I would guess he is just processing a bit not staring. However, my T will do gaze with me (a warm, compassionate looking without looking away) when I am feeling vulnerable or “little” because he knows I did not get that as an infant... so that’s a possibility too.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 09:50 PM
  #4
I have similar experiences with my T. He doesn't ever look away except if it's to write down notes. I understand what you mean by it seems like a technique. I don't mean that in a negative way.

It often seems intentional and the majority of the time feels good but sometimes makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. I do think it has something to do with them showing there are being fully present with us and seeing us and being there through our pain and discomfort. Or that they are able to handle our discomfort.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #5
I think it is a technique they use at clients.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 11:38 PM
  #6
I think it is a technique originally derived from normal communication, transformed into therapy techniques by therapists. Something like what susannahsays described but much more conscious and manipulated in the moment.

I never had long silences in my therapy, I simply would not allow them. What is the point of silence in talk therapy?- you can find many answers, and I think the best will be your own. I can easily have sometimes long, pensive silences in communication with friends, intimate partners, etc. Never had it with a T and would not (in part, because I almost always have thoughts I could share). I understand all that psychoanalytic endeavor, but silence in therapy is just not something I find meaningful or helpful. Other kinds of non-verbal communication, on the other hand, was very helpful for me in therapy and it is also in everyday life.

But if I had to deal with silent communication in the moment, I would also probably like your Ts non-intrusive style.

Last edited by Xynesthesia2; Jun 17, 2019 at 11:51 PM..
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 06:07 AM
  #7
The silent communication feels meaningful to me, but it’s hard to describe.
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 08:42 AM
  #8
I am always interested in experiences with silence in therapy because I've heard so much about it but very hard for me to imagine doing it. Would you mind sharing how the silences actually happen? Why? Do you stop talking because something is difficult to say, run out of things to say, you are thinking, something else?
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 10:22 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2 View Post
Would you mind sharing how the silences actually happen? Why? Do you stop talking because something is difficult to say, run out of things to say, you are thinking, something else?
  • I am ready for a response. I could do a monologue by myself at home.
  • I lose my train of thought and am hoping the therapist will say something and I'll get back on track.
  • I lose interest.
  • I'm angry but I don't know why.
  • I'm too depressed to keep talking.
  • My mind is absolutely empty.
  • I'm avoiding something.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 10:27 AM
  #10
I once accused the therapist of giving me the silent treatment to see what she would say. I think she said something about trying to listen and thinking about what she was going to say. I don't believe that was necessarily truthful for all silences. I think lots of times she just sits there and waits for me to talk. I think that because sometimes I really can't think of anything to say and we sit there forever and ever until she sighs and says something inconsequential.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 10:54 AM
  #11
I think there are different types of silences. There’s the type of silence where I’m anxious and my mind goes blank or I just feel pressure to say something. Fortunately he’s sensitive to that and doesn’t let it go on too long. Other times, I’m just processing what’s going on and don’t want to be rushed. I feel comfortable with that kind of silence if it feels natural.
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 04:42 PM
  #12
When I force her to break the silence and she sighs, it's like I'm a child who has misbehaved or something and she's oh so disappointed in me.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 07:05 PM
  #13
Interesting to read the shares about how/why silences occur in therapy. Other than some moments of quiet reflection, I never experienced other reasons for going silent... I love interesting conversations about psychology and personal things and am generally easy to engage/easily engage others when the topic interests me and the people are sympathetic. Lots of that with my second T, he was very interactive, he also advertises himself as an interactive therapist and had definitely satisfied in that sense. It was one of the reasons I chose him when I was looking. With first T (a psychoanalyst), he was much more like what many of you guys describe about the T who more listens and quite minimalistic with responses. I wrote about this somewhere on another thread when the silence topic came up. He was quite erratic with engagement and withdrawal in the beginning and I am still not sure if the erratic nature of it was intentional/technique or just his natural style (he was quite inconsistent in many other ways as well). I pretty much gave him an ultimatum after a few months that if he did not participate more or continued that "one session in, one session out" behavior, I would stop seeing him. He changed that immediately and remained very consistently engaged and interactive for the rest of my therapy with him, even said once that he learned some things from me about how to communicate better with a client... he had many flaws but that was definitely not one. But he talks about silence in therapy and the function of it in his media, I think he uses it with many clients, just not with me as I clearly did not want/need it. He talks about the importance of following what some Ts of his style call the "contact function" of the client. That was one thing I really liked about him, he definitely adapted to my interactive style.

OP - what you describe does sound natural and like your T handles it well with you. Again, not from therapy... but when I work with people in various ways, there are often gaps of verbal communication when we are doing something, concentrating, just immersed in thought, or even just zoning out and turning inward. I rarely have issues with appropriate eye contact but it is natural/automatic to shift my gaze when those moments above occur. Someone trying to still make eye contact in those moments can feel intrusive or at least it transmits a signal that we are not on the same wavelength. I always learn about this from encounters with people where the match and communication just feels naturally smooth and effortless on many levels beyond just verbal - it can feel super pleasant, rewarding and effective for me. You know, interacting with a like-minded person that does not take very much conscious effort and adjustment, you can just be yourself and relax. But I do think such a match usually operates on a much deeper level than just good skills and technique.
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 07:19 PM
  #14
The second woman used to talk about how she was trained in metacommunication.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 08:55 PM
  #15
What the heck is that

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 06:16 AM
  #16
I don’t usually have a problem with eye contact, but this seems sort of intimate or intense, so I look away, and then look back because, well, I like it. I’m also not a really huggy person, but in a way it feels both warm and awkward like a hug might feel to me. I like it, but it’s a bit uncomfortable at the same time. I guess it’s one of those experiences that’s hard to put into words. I was just trying to understand the experience more. I do think it’s a conscious, intentional process that my T chooses to do. I’m just not sure when or why he chooses to do it.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 07:19 PM
  #17
Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
What the heck is that
Metacommunication? It is involving many channels and layers of synchronizing, not just verbal or even what is visible and easily regulated.

I do not believe someone can be effectively trained in that in school. I think it is life experience that's teaches it best. Some people, who are naturally more intuitive, might pick it up more easily but I personally still think it takes hardcore experience and school/formal training cannot even scratch on a surface level.
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