Drama between sessions

What do you do about the drama that occurs between sessions or while your T is on vacation?

I’m generally independent and self-sufficient and therapy for me so far has been somewhat about learning how to open up and occasionally rely on someone else for emotional needs. But my T is on vacation and there has been some drama related to my son that is painful for me and I’d like to share it with him. The problem is that I won’t see him for another week, and I suspect things will have subsided by then and I will have dealt with it (emotionally) on my own by then. This is what I usually do anyway, so it feels normal. This leaves me wondering what the point of therapy is for me. The idea that my therapist, a kind and empathetic human being, is out there somewhere but inaccessible to me when I need him is frustrating. It’s almost easier not to have someone like that so that the expectation or glimmer of hope doesn’t exist. It pushes me towards wanting to cut off ties with my therapist which is a usual thought pattern for me. What is the point of the therapeutic relationship if the therapist is not available when you need them? Not looking for therapy-bashing comments. I’m genuinely trying to figure out how to process this.

My T usually comes back to a pile of notes on everything that went on while he was gone. It helps me to write down difficult experiences during that time, it calms me and also ensures that I can share the pain with him when he's back.

For me, the point of having therapy even though my T is sometimes not available is that I learn that I can cope with things and eventually there will be somebody who listens again. Ideally, you'll not want to be in therapy for the rest of your life. At some point there's gonna be a situation where there's nobody there to talk to right away. For me, what I'm working towards is being able to be in such a situation and have the mental image of my T that helps me cope well enough that I do not need somebody to talk to, at least not urgently. But while I'm trying to get there, it helps me personally to write things down for him, it lets me talk to him in a way.

You brought up the main reason therapy did nothing for my main issue at the time, which was maintaining my sobriety. My cravings and impulses for relapse never occurred when I was in session and I was already very familiar with all the addiction recovery methods available, including where to look for support. So therapy didn't really have a function there other than discussing patterns and coping strategies, which I was already doing a lot with peers.

I guess a good use of therapy for what you are saying could be learning to seek emotional support in your everyday life, from people who are naturally available like friends, family, etc. Figuring out what keeps you from doing that, if that is the case. Because even if the T is not on vacation, it is quite likely that a lot of the drama and emotional discomfort will not come up when you are with him. But you can perhaps learn to open up more with other people and how to establish more supportive relationships.

I’m not trying to be stoic, but I’m pretty ok dealing with crises and drama on my own. I don’t think that I need to be taught this skill. I think I came to therapy for just the opposite. As you said, Xyn, I probably need to learn how to incorporate others in my life (family, friends). I know that and I’m not sure I need therapy for that. So what’s the point of having a T if he can’t be there when I need him? It just reinforces the idea that relying on others is a big pain. I completely realize that I’m being simplistic when I say that, but right now that’s how it feels. And then I feel mad at my T for stirring things up and giving me the illusion that he cares. I believe that he does, but what’s the point if he can only show it for 50 (or 100) minutes/week?

I write in my journal or email her. We will have talked beforehand what her availability while on vacation. Usually but not always she has a few days during her vacation that she is available to respond to emails. We started using a puzzle piece as a transitional item so I'll pull that out at times.

That is a big reason why I am still in therapy and I have started to open up more to people around me. Not a lot but some and I come here. Doing what is the opposite of what feels normal (shutting down, shutting people out, handling it all on my own) has been a guiding principle for me.

Feel free to PM me.

Well, what was the point of it when you first decided to try therapy? What did want to use it for? Do you now think it's not useful for those things? When I went to therapy, my idea was to use it as a form of consultation with a specialist for specific issues and to see if I can learn new and useful things about myself. But I ended up using it more as distraction from what I knew very well were unresolved issues.

I came to therapy because I felt overwhelmed by multiple relationship issues (with my kids, husband, mother) and I knew there had to be a better way. My husband has actually been doing DBT therapy which has been immensely helpful. I see how our relationship is changing because of that. We also recently started seeing a marriage counselor which has helped. I’m not exactly sure how much my own personal therapy has helped. I’m not saying that it hasn’t, but it’s hard to measure. The focus of my therapy has turned out to be completely different from what I originally came to therapy for. In brief, the main repeating pattern has been my ambivalence about therapy. I genuinely want to go, but don’t want to go at the same time. It’s hard to explain without writing a novel, but it’s an exhausting, crazy-making process. Last time we talked about the guilt I feel about seeking help from a therapist. So maybe there’s something there. Or maybe it’s all a red herring.

I think the massive ambivalence you are feeling about therapy and the T can be quite relevant and useful to explore if your goal is to improve your relationships. Ambivalence is something that can easily make someone avoid seeking help and support in life, perhaps you just never experience it as strongly as with therapy as therapy has a very unnatural structure and many limitations that are not usually present in everyday relationships, or at least not in the same way. People often say therapy (especially psychoanalysis) is meant to bring out and enhance normal or latent patterns, so perhaps that's exactly what you are experiencing. And if you feel guilty for seeking help even from a professional whose function is exactly that, I guess that signals something important. I think others have suggested on your threads that what you are experiencing in therapy might be the true issues underlying some of your everyday life issues. If this is true, I think it might be very useful and important because you might be discovering the actual cause of some of your blocks. If they were out of awareness for you before, it may take a while to actually get to a point when you can start to change them.

For me, the most significant repetitive theme therapy brought out is my tendency for distracting myself from dealing with my practical challenges and bad habits, distracting with something that feels more interesting, novel, stimulating, pleasurable. But I already knew that more than well and therapy became just one of those things. With the nature of my patterns and problems, I know they won't benefit from more dissection and understanding, they absolutely require direct action and discipline and analyzing further can be very counterproductive as it keep me stuck in what I am already doing all the time and what is my main method of self-sabotage. But if you have relationship issues, isn't that one of the main areas therapy is meant to be for and what Ts like to work on? At least that has always been my impression.

I am not trying to disrespect you @Lrad123 but you seem to have a pattern. I have only been on pc since december and I have seen you struggle with these issues, and emails, then quitting therapy, staying in therapy, being ashamed you need therapy etc. It seems you expect the therapist to be your support person whenever you want. You have talked about emailing the therapist and the responses or lack thereof. You've wondered if you email too much, too little, or if you should at all. You have impulsively emailed about wanting to quit therapy and changed your mind. I think you should take stock of what you ultimately would like from your therapist in a perfect world. Make a list of everything you wish you could get even if it seems silly. Then make a list of what you do actually get from the therapist. Compare the two. Is your list realistic? Can those needs be met?

A therapist is allowed to live a life outside of his or her patients. Yours is on vacation. No way in hell would I contact my therapist while they were on vacation, I wouldnt email, text or call. They have their own lives. This ventures into territory about how I feel that a therapist emails and texts out of session but thats another thread. I know you are not selfish or self absorbed but your actions could seem that way.

Anyone - therapist or not - has the ability to choose to read emails on vacation or after hours or not. That is on the person receiving the email -not the person who writes it.
The second woman encouraged me to call her at any hour of the day or night, on her cell phone number, whether she was on vacation or not. She emphasized it at the end of every appointment. I usually did not because I did not find talking to her on the phone to be a useful endeavor -but my point is that I trust in those people to take care of themselves. Emailing, in and of itself, is not intrusive. Leaving a message on an office phone is not intrusive. Therapists are no different than anyone else. They can take care of themselves.

I completely agree. My T will generally allow emails (and will reply) when he's on vacation and he emphasizes that he's OK with this. Much like you said, he's said that he chooses when to read/reply emails, so it's not intrusive. He doesn't allow texting that's not about scheduling because that is more intrusive, as he uses the same phone for personal and professional. So if he has his phone with him, he'd see the text notification.

But basically, I trust him to take care of himself and make his own choices about outside contact. He could easily say, "I'll be away and won't be checking work email." If he says I can email him then gets annoyed about it, that's on him. (I mean, assuming I don't send him like 50 emails or something.)

To your main question, Lrad, I tend to keep notes (not a journal so much) about stuff I want to talk to T about in a future session. So you could write up what you're feeling right now to talk about it later. It could be helpful to discuss what *did* help you cope, too. May say more on this later.

Our relationships with our T's aren't the same as with an average doctor or a dentist. It's up to the individual T to decide what their boundaries regarding vacations are. I'm "a special case" my T gave me a full session and email contact when he went away for 4 weeks in august last year. I feel better knowing he's there if I need him than when he did not allow any contact during his breaks when we first started.

For his last two breaks one of which when he was away for 26 days- I've just sent him a single email with the word "hi" and an smiley face. Sometimes that's all it takes and I don't think it's too much to expect a T to take 30 mins out of a full day to reply to a quick message especially with vulnerable clients.

You state that you will handle the situation and get beyond it, that you are generally pretty capable of handling crises in your life. So, it doesn’t sound like the desire to contact your therapist is because you think he will somehow help you with this particular crisis; you already know you are able to do that for yourself. I get that. I have always been very much the same way.

Therefore, the question is “what do you desire from your therapist that you can’t do for yourself”? Is the therapist simply that person out there who will really hear you? That’s okay if it is. Most of us need that person, and if we don’t feel we have that person in our personal life, a therapist who can listen objectively, who we don’t have to protect or navigate around, can be really valuable.

It can be frustrating when you need that listening ear, that person to vent to, and they aren’t around. Over the years, I’ve learned to have a group of various individuals that can serve that purpose. NONE of them can handle everything I could throw their way, but individually, they each have their strengths and I’ve learned which person I can talk to under which set of circumstances.

One of the nice things about a therapist is that, if they are good ones, they can sort of be that person for all things that arise, no matter what it is. We get reliant on their objectivity and the large array of topics we can touch on with them as well as their constancy and consistency in non-judgment and validation.

In the real world, however, I truly feel that no one person in our personal life can handle everything we throw at them. Our personal family and friends are not objective, certainly not about everything. The transition we have to make from therapy to “real world” is finding a network of support rather than that one person, and we have to learn how to utilize the various people in that network judiciously and strategically.

Until you have developed that network (which is a skill unto itself), it sounds like you may need to continue to utilize your therapist as a means to take care of the internal you. Sure, you are strong on the outside, but the inner being sometimes needs to be heard.

While your therapist is away, what can you do to be sure you don’t neglect your insides? That inside person is the one who feels the need to talk to the therapist right now. What can you do to give that inside need a listening ear? Some people journal. Some people just go off and spend some time walking or browsing a bookstore. What works for you? It sounds like perhaps that is what you need to do for yourself in the meantime while you wait for your therapist to return; sit and listen to that inner voice.

I hope your current crisis resolves quickly and in a way that deal with whatever is going on. Just don’t forget to take some time to take care of you.

Thanks. I journal rather than keeping notes, but it’s the same idea, I think. And posting on PC has been helpful also. I think my concern has been that what’s going on with my son feels so big now, but I may not even want to discuss it with my T by the time I see him next week. That’s sort of a lonely place to be.

Why not discuss it here? I guess that's part of the point of trying to find and using supports. It feels big now, so talk to someone one about it, now? What makes your T be the "only" one to support you through this?

You've talked about getting through these types of things in the past - alone or unsupported. What is stopping you from using supports other than your T? It seems to me one thing therapy may have shown you is how good it can feel when you do have that support. It's completely ok to want support, to have someone listen while you vent... and so on.

(questions for you to think about, not answer)

Thanks. That’s a nice and helpful way to think about it. And yes, you are right, I think what I want from my therapist is to be heard, listened to. I don’t even need him to fix things, just listen.

Hm...I wonder if this is why I was getting a bit frustrated (maybe not right word) with my T today--he was trying to offer coping solutions, and I think I just needed to get my feelings out and have him hear them and just...be there with me in them, I guess. If that makes sense. Like bear witness?

I don't have advice but wanted to add that I don't see your therapy different from what you said your original complaints were. The therapy just just amplifies your existing patterns as the conflicts seem to be an issue in both therapy and life outside therapy.

You said you were overwhelmed with relationship issues. Here, you are saying the same thing. Ambivalence is the same thing as conflicts, and you have talked about many here; for one, wanting to see your T and wanting to disconnect from him. Then feeling guilty for having needs. Might your relationships have similar conflicts? Wanting to take care of family, yet wanting to be a separate person, have needs of your own, wanting to do things for yourself instead of everyone else all the time? Does the overwhelm in part come from pressure of the guilt for either wanting to satisfy your own needs once in a while or even having the right to needs of your own?

I think the therapy lets things in a bit at a time, like a crack in the door that shows the light. You are just starting, the door has opened. You do tend to make the therapy about your T rather than take in the insights you've gotten, but I think that comes when you decide to open the door all the way, or at least halfway, and see what's behind it.

You haven't spoken of the parallels with your family--maybe you haven't seen it yet? Navigating the conflicts/ambivalence is part of the therapy as it integrates the different parts of you-the part that wants one thing and the part that wants totally normal things for yourself without feeling annhilated by guilt. The therapy doesn't address symptoms, it changes your character, which solves the symptoms rather than puts a band aid on it. People who take care of others often get plagued with anger and resentment, or burned out from it, then depression sets in. Your mind tires from the exhaustion of navigating the conflict, and the anxiety from the guilt, but resolving the conflicts puts an end to that.

Take care.

Octoberful, you tend to say things that click with me. I feel like what you say about me making therapy about my T rather than taking in the insight clicks, but I’m not sure I know how to do that. I feel like I might be inching in that direction, but I’m not sure. My last session with my T felt very different than any other (in a good way). I think you’re saying I should stop obsessing about his nonresponses to my emails, etc. I’m trying.

As for parallels with my family, I do see some, but I feel like I have pieces of a puzzle that don’t quite fit together. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.

Personally, I depend on email and phone calls in between sessions if I have something come up.