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Merope
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 12:23 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by starfishing View Post
But over time I've come to feel a bit more clearly that I have some needs I've been ignoring that are now showing up in therapy in various ways.
This is how I feel as well. Seems like therapy unearthed some things I wasn’t aware of and now I have “needs” from him. I wish I could write a list, but I’m not actually sure what my needs are. Definitely nothing outside what is considered therapeutically acceptable, although sometimes i “need” to feel connected to him outside sessions, or know certain personal things about him, just so I can place him in the world and feel like he exists beyond our allocated time. Another need I have is to let him know about these needs. I “need” him to accept this neediness so that I don’t end up feeling that needing things from a human being with whom you have some sort of close relationship is intrinsically wrong and must be dealt with.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 02:38 AM
  #22
This is an interesting thread-I wonder if UK and US interpret “need” differently -not majorly but in a nuanced way?
I can say that I definitely didn’t need (or want) a lot of what was given but did I get what I needed-I’ve no idea what I really needed -guess that’s why I employed a psychologist
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 04:46 AM
  #23
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Originally Posted by amandalouise View Post
the mental health system in america is set up in such a way that treatment providers must work to promote independence and self nurturing of one self and their problems. there is a set amount of sessions per year someone can have and at intervals (usually on a yearly or every 6 months) the treatment provider and client must review why they are in therapy, what the therapy goals are and whether those goals are being completed. this doesnt leave a lot of room for a client to get dependent upon their therapist as in needing them to act as if they are parenting the client.

that said there is certain therapy techniques that do allow a therapist to teach how to self nurture and parent one self sometimes by way of demonstrating the skills their self. But even these have strict guidelines for the treatment provider to follow so that the client does not mis- interpret and or become dependent on the therapist for their self nurturing.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment provider, they will tell you whether they are able to do mirroring and role playing and modeling self nurturing skills by example doing them with you during your therapy sessions. They will be able to explain to you rules for this and at what times they are willing to hold you, sooth you and such as a parent would during your therapy sessions and how you will have homework to learn to do these skills on your own, and at what point they will have to tell you no they can not do so during your therapy session.
That’s incorrect. The system you described might be true for some therapists or some mental health clinics or some insurance providers. It’s not how it works with every therapist and every clinic and every insurance plan (if one is using insurance for it, not everyone does).
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 04:50 AM
  #24
My t doesn’t foster dependence or need, the one I saw about 15 years ago didn’t either. I assume it’s allowed, why wouldn’t it, it’s just not something I want or therapist encourages
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:15 AM
  #25
I relate with this. My T set about identifying and dismantling defenses with me, and then we spent two years working hard on eliminating extreme dissociation and learning new ways. I struggle with standing on my own two feet right after session, if we talk about difficult material. My old defenses had much more efficacy than my new "coping" skills, and I almost feel betrayed to be sent out to the streets after a degree of intimacy and self-revelation of which I am uncertain, and afterwards frightened on some superstitious level. The presence of my T, and his blue eyes eye contact unceasing , his way of asking me to try and trust him , help me take risks with topics, but I almost have a therapy hangover afterwards and feel like I need more support. My T is strict and boundaried, well trained, and I suspect he has a loving heart. However, things like extra sessions etc are not allowed. He is way too busy and doesnt believe in it. Anyway I see him 2x a week, so more probably wouldnt be good. I end of experiencing "needs" as psychic pain. He consistently asks me to attribute this back to my childhood experience of csa, which I understand is legitimate but feel like deflection in the moment. Therapy has revealed needs I formerly addressed within a self-contained system, and my T witnesses that but doesnt try to fulfill them. My BF and good friends dont have the expertise and experience my T brings into play, so I dont confront them with the degree of anguish I feel . It is a hard problem, and sometimes I resent my T and other times respect him. He is incredibly reliable and there/present during our time, and then he is gone.

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 06:59 AM
  #26
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Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
I end of experiencing "needs" as psychic pain. He consistently asks me to attribute this back to my childhood experience of csa, which I understand is legitimate but feel like deflection in the moment.
This is a unique kind of pain, isn’t it? I like the way you describe it although I hadn’t thought of it as a “need.” I have certainly felt this too, although the origins of my “psychic pain” are likely different and have lessened a bit with time. Feeling this sort of anguish and not having it taken care of is a special kind of torture. Certainly my husband would never understand and frankly, it’s too embarrassing (and complicated) to tell my T about although I’ve definitely let it slip out in emails.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:03 AM
  #27
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Originally Posted by Merope View Post
This is how I feel as well. Seems like therapy unearthed some things I wasn’t aware of and now I have “needs” from him. I wish I could write a list, but I’m not actually sure what my needs are. Definitely nothing outside what is considered therapeutically acceptable, although sometimes i “need” to feel connected to him outside sessions, or know certain personal things about him, just so I can place him in the world and feel like he exists beyond our allocated time. Another need I have is to let him know about these needs. I “need” him to accept this neediness so that I don’t end up feeling that needing things from a human being with whom you have some sort of close relationship is intrinsically wrong and must be dealt with.
I relate so much to what you’ve said here. Thanks for expressing it so well. I guess I hadn’t thought of any of these things as needs.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:31 AM
  #28
Sometimes I experience needs as pain too, in a sense that the “need” is so visceral it feels sort of physical, kind of deep inside my stomach. Sometimes the knowledge that these “needs” can’t be fulfilled (like the “need” for T to “never” leave me) makes me feel so anxious, my body wakes itself up in the middle of the night in a state of absolute panic. Often, the yearning for him is like the yearning of an infant for its mother and I’m so ashamed of it and of the fact that I can’t switch it off. I “need”to be able to express this to him without fear of rejection/abandonment but I can’t. My “need” for survival (revealing less for the sake of self preservation/keeping him in my life) is sometimes greater than my “need” to voice my vulnerability.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:41 AM
  #29
Merope, I totally get this. It sounds like you’re a few steps ahead of me in terms of being able to accept and describe it. It’s so unpleasant to me sometimes that I think I just push it all away any way I can.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:49 AM
  #30
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Merope, I totally get this. It sounds like you’re a few steps ahead of me in terms of being able to accept and describe it. It’s so unpleasant to me sometimes that I think I just push it all away any way I can.
I don’t know about that...the more I think about this, the more tangled up I feel. I’m also guilty of overthinking which ultimately leads to me feeling like I’ve done something wrong by having “needs” and that he will abandon me.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 08:00 AM
  #31
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I don’t know about that...the more I think about this, the more tangled up I feel. I’m also guilty of overthinking which ultimately leads to me feeling like I’ve done something wrong by having “needs” and that he will abandon me.
I do the same thing. My T has said that he thinks that I think I’m “too much” for him. He may be right and the reason may be that if I feel like I want (need?) something from him, he’ll be overwhelmed or frustrated. My solution is to contemplate not showing up just about every week so that that doesn’t happen. I rarely skip, but I do agonize about it on a regular basis. And I sometimes play out a scene in my head where he agrees that we’re not a good fit and that we should stop working together.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 08:41 AM
  #32
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I do the same thing. My T has said that he thinks that I think I’m “too much” for him. He may be right and the reason may be that if I feel like I want (need?) something from him, he’ll be overwhelmed or frustrated. My solution is to contemplate not showing up just about every week so that that doesn’t happen. I rarely skip, but I do agonize about it on a regular basis. And I sometimes play out a scene in my head where he agrees that we’re not a good fit and that we should stop working together.

I've told my T before that I worry I'm too much or too needy for him, and he says that I'm not. In this case, it's kind of a pattern in my life, that I worry I'm too much for people, so it's something useful to explore. And I also feel safer asking T something like that than, say, a friend (though I have sort of done that before, just not in those exact words--but it's been more recently, since my work with this T, so I think he helped me learn it can be OK to ask that).
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 11:23 AM
  #33
Sort out a list of things and seek out a term that best fit it. As I seen on a movie , help me understand, transference, reparenting. Highly effective people certain books might be easier then a discussion.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 08:18 PM
  #34
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You’re right, it doesn’t make a difference if it’s “allowed” or not allowed...I guess “needs” arise in a similar way to how feelings arise...they just happen.
But from what i've seen, expression of certain needs is in fact not allowed in many cases. Step out of line, get fired. One of the running themes of this forum is fear of termination or other punishment. I see many people calibrating their behavior around what the therapist wants or needs or finds acceptable.. Whose therapy is it?
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