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ScarletPimpernel
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#1
So my stupid emotions have made things bad between L and I. It all started when she gave me a scarf as a transitional object. It made me so happy. It was one of the rare times I felt joy. Then my dad and H told me that they think I should stay with L and not go back to T. (T is on maternity leave until around Nov 1st.) I told L about this, and she said she's sticking to the plan that I go back to T when she comes back. So instantly that joy turned to grief. This relationship that made me so happy was going to end. So I sent some emails throughout the week trying to process it (I know, bad me. You shouldn't process things through emails). Well, things mostly got processed and I decided to give her two books that I bought the next week. She accepted them, however, she said that she had to think about it if I could give her anymore gifts and/or how often. I didn't even process this until last night. So I emailed her telling her that that hurt me. She emailed back that she was sorry and that on top of everything else we should re-examine our emails...
I don't know if this is a rupture, but it sure feels like it. Pretty soon it's going to be no gifts, no emails, and no phone calls. I'm going to call it quits on any of those. You don't get to agree to something and then take it back. That's punishment. All because I couldn't control my emotions.
Possible trigger:
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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ArtleyWilkins
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#2
What can you do to slow yourself down, Scarlet? I sort of saw this coming when you started gifting her more frequently. It seems a bit like you are spiraling up into a bit of infatuation with this therapist recently. It sounds like she’s trying to maintain professional boundaries with you. That is not a bad thing. It is important that she does so because you are having difficulty doing that yourself. If you can appreciate and accept that she’s working to help you not continue to escalate, and slow yourself down just a bit, I’d be willing to bet things will be just fine. But if you keep pushing beyond boundaries, she’ll have to tighten them up more. Work with her, not against her. It isn’t punishment; it’s boundaries because you are pushing beyond the normal boundaries yourself right now. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Just slow yourself down. I have this vision of you as frantically pushing her right now, and the more you panic the more you push, and that just rarely is received well in any kind of relationship.
You can do this, Scarlet. Slow your thinking down. Your therapist hasn’t gone anywhere. She’s just trying to help you slow down a bit. |
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#3
You're right. I just feel like I need to rush because I only have 4 more months with her. I'm trying to cram everything I can into this relationship. Besides these problems, I feel like I have a very deep connection with her. I just feel panicked by the November deadline.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
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#4
Quote:
This isn't the same thing, but it makes me think of when I first started seeing current T. It was initially going to be more of a temporary thing, a consult for a couple months, then I'd likely go back to ex-T, but it's possible I'd stay with him. At one point in the first few sessions, when I mentioned possibly staying with him, he said, "I wouldn't want to steal you from ex-T." Which sort of made me feel like it wasn't my decision? And also sort of like I was ex-T's property? I told him after that his saying that bothered me, and he said it was entirely up to me to decide who to work with. It was more that he didn't want to pressure me to stay with him. So I wonder if you're feeling sort of a lack of autonomy here, like you're stuck in only seeing L till November, then switching to T and never seeing L again? That it's not up to you? Might be something good to discuss. Does it maybe reflect something else in your life/childhood? |
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ScarletPimpernel
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#5
The problem with L is she's probably moving out of the county next year. I don't know much about why. I know she's in a long distance relationship, so she might go to where her partner is? That's why part of me wants to stay with her until she leaves. But she is set on me going back to T when T comes back.
I just had a phone call with her and she said we'll discuss the end in our next session. She picked up that that's the thing bothering me the most. She also said that she's not taking away email. She just wants to clarify what's helpful and what's not. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
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#6
Quote:
Oh, I didn't realize about her moving away. That changes things a bit. It's good you had the call and she realized what's bothering you. And that she's not taking away email (also a fear with my T, but he's said repeatedly that he never would). |
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ScarletPimpernel
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comrademoomoo
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#7
This could be a great opportunity to learn how to manage the ending of a relationship - all in relative safety as you return to your (original?) therapist and continue your work. Don't be Aesop's dog with two bones, recognise the value of what you have. I mean, Aesop was a knob, but the rest of us don't have to be.
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#8
I know my T would be okay if I stayed longer with L. She told me so before she left. We never clarified how long is longer. Still, I think she'd be okay with it. I just don't want to lose what little time I have left with L especially if she does move. I never thought I would be nor want to be attached to L. I knew there was a huge possibility especially after I met her for the first time, but I never thought I'd feel this connected with her.
I do value T, but I'm having a hard time holding onto my connection with her. Though, the voicemail she left me just the other day was super helpful. But I also value L. It's hard __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
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#9
So here's a question--with T, will you still only be able to see her once a month after she returns? Or will you be able to see her a bit more often, at least at first, to reconnect? I think you see L weekly, right? Just wondering if that could be playing a role, too.
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ScarletPimpernel
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#10
I'm hoping with T that I can see her weekly for awhile in order to reconnect before tapering back down. And yes, I'm seeing L weekly. I didn't even think of this aspect.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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feileacan
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#11
Scarlet, have you thought about the option of starting with a totally new therapist after finishing with L? It would be a good moment to find someone who is willing to see you regularly weekly for as long as you need. It's clear that you need more treatment and monthly check-ins definitely won't allow that. I've understood that this arrangement was due to your T's principles about therapy having to last max 2 years but in reality people like you need longer treatment consistently. Previously you were not open to change because you were so attached to T but because there is now this situation with T and L, it might be worth reconsidering your options.
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#12
This makes me sad. Especially all the people who thanked this. I'm assuming you all agree.
1. That you do think I need more treatment. I agree that I have issues still -- with relationships, socializing, self esteem and confidence. But, imho, I thought I was doing pretty good. I haven't cut in over 4 years, I'm stable on my meds (minus reactivity), I've gained a lot of my interest back that I lost when ex-T left me, I've come very far from ex-T leaving me, etc. I was doing so good at one point that I was able to try and have a baby. H is a little better especially from last year. I have my dad as a support now. I accepted L into my life. I just think I'm doing pretty good considering everything I've been through and my diagnosis. 2. Ugh! It's so hard. I'm attached to both T and L. T helped me so so much these last 4 years. I know she said she'll be there even if I don't need her. I know everything in life is temporary, but to have someone who says they'll never abandon you (definition needed), that's priceless in my life. 3. Like the other poster said, don't be like Aesop's dog. Looking for yet another good therapist when I already have two -- that might be pushing my luck. And I've already seen what a bad therapist can do. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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#13
Speaking for myself, i was clapping for finding a t that doesnt put a 2 year limit on seeing them. Ive just never heard of that. From an insurance company, sure, but not from a t. And i would say that to anybody here, not saying it to you for any special reason. Its like inviting somebody to dinner, but making them leave before the entree is served! You only get a measly tomato juice!
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#14
That makes sense. I do wish I could be more in control of when I get to see my T.
I am defending my T some, but she does allow me to go back to weekly when I need it. And my H also prefers me to go every other week; not weekly. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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feileacan
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#15
Quote:
Quote:
I'm not saying what you should do. I'm just suggesting to think about this option, just consider it for yourself. Last edited by feileacan; Jun 27, 2019 at 02:32 AM.. Reason: typos |
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#16
I feel you would benefit from weekly or once a fortnight therapy. I've a personality disorder too and T's 2 year limit seems not beneficial to be honest, not if you want lasting personality change.
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susannahsays
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#17
Scarlet, I'm sure you are doing very well and have come a long way. But the reactivity, as you put it, seems to be very distressing. I can recall several times when something has happened and you have posted that you were feeling suicidal. C is like that. Sometimes something happens, and I think it's like she panics because the feelings are so intense and she can't imagine any escape from them other than not existing anymore. Tbh, that's happened to me a few times, too, although my reactivity is more of the "burn my life to the ground" variety instead of the despairing, suicidal type.
Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that you can be very proud of how far you've come and how much better you are doing, while still wanting better for yourself. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#18
I hear all of you. I think I'll bring it up with L and then maybe T when she comes back. The reactivity is one of my biggest problems. And my thoughts do often lead to suicidal ideation, but I don't think I'm actually suicidal. It's like my security blanket. If all else, I have suicide. But that's not what I truly want. I want to not be controlled by my emotions. I am better at it. When my sister went all out on me verbally, I was able to stand my ground for quite awhile up until she used my infertility against me. But even then, instead of cutting, I called H to come in and help me. But I would like to not get to the point where I lose control and have a breakdown.
It's just hard, you guys. It's really hard. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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#19
Therapy was good today. We talked a lot. I found out why she might be moving, and where. She pointed out that the reason I might be feeling more joy with her than T is because we're in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, and that I never had that with T because I came to her traumatized, scared, angry, etc. I didn't get a chance to just feel her out, get to know her. That makes me sad. We talked about ending some. We still have to talk more about it, but it looks like she might be open to me seeing her longer. We talked about emails. She just wants me to state my needs in the email (i.e. reassurance, encouragement, acknowledgement, etc.)
I did tell her yours all thoughts of me finding another T. She said we're going to explore the pros and cons of T, and the differences between T and L, so that I can figure it out for myself and be able to put words to it. She did mention that it seems like the forums gets held up on the number of sessions, and miss all that T has done for me. And the fact that not only has she said I could go back to weekly when I need it, but she's actually done it. So there's a lot to still process. I'm really hoping that this all can get resolved/processed faster so I might be able to deal with other issues like spirituality and infertility. Might want to ask some questions about sex too if I get around to it. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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saidso
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#20
I agree with Artley Wilkins, absolutely, that it's boundaries not punishment. Deep breath!
I was in a slightly similar situation where I saw someone transitionally who I liked a lot more than my usual counsellor. It is a roller coaster emotionally, and it ended with the transitional person leaving the job. It is responsible of people who are not permanent to set careful boundaries around how they connect and who they connect with emotionally. She is being responsible. Honestly, I think this is a potentially a huge learning situation if you can rise up to the level of it, or it is a potential disaster. The onus is on you. If you can practice calming down enough to contain your emotional side and create an inner relationship with that depth of feeling. Or if you lose yourself and the relationship in fury, blame, and despair. Now until November is enough to do a good piece of work but you need to be ready to work and not just react. Five stars Artley Wilkins, sometimes responses here are so cool and caring! __________________ *"Fierce <-> Reality"* oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human! remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear! |
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Anonymous45127, ScarletPimpernel
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