Do you tend to cancel around your T’s vacation?

I realized yesterday, at my session, that while I don't cancel around T's vacation, at the first session after she returns (which yesterday's was), I do tend to shut down, not say much of anything. We discussed the fact that maybe Little Cool was trying to show T what it felt like when T was away: not connecting with her, not talking to her. T said that while she wasn't frustrated, she felt a bit sad. I said that when T was ill, last year (and into this year), I KNOW it wasn't a vacation, but it was still a time when she was away, and unavailable to me. Although Adult Cool understands the healthy need for vacations, Little Cool feels T has been gone enough, already.
I also realized (and WHY it's taken me this long to realize it, who knows?) that when I have positive things going on in my own life (i.e., visiting friends, going to a concert), that I am less stressed about T being away.

i think about it but never do. The childish part feels angry that she is going away, feels abandoned, and angry at mtself for needing her. Instead of canceling I get angy and drag myself there with a wall up. I keep that wall up until I get to the appontment. Then the wall comes down and i feel silly for having hadthe wall up and worrying that she wont come back

with T because we still enailed it wasnt nearly as bad

I'm sorry to hear it wasn't helpful. Do you think it was because of talking about in terms of parts or because of what was being said (the content)?

I have to say that for a while we did a lot more parts talk and work. Then I went through a period where I felt like my T didn't like/believe in the parts or didn't appreciate being forced to deal with them. Now there's a bit more parts talk. I'm still not back to fully believing that they are welcome, or something is holding me back on fully believing. My T has said they are welcomed, that all of me is welcomed, and short of her being proactive in reaching out to a specific part; I don't know what more she could do to make all the parts feel like they are welcomed. She's hesitant to do anything of the sort because it would make it be about her and because she doesn't want to appear to be taking sides between the parts. (paraphrasing things she's actually said) Also, that wouldn't be the way she practices therapy. Everything is almost always me initiated.

I also struggle with the difference between welcomed and wanted. I mostly feel like she's saying sure they can be there, because that's her job to accept them as being me; but it would be easier if I'd just stop being so.... [fill in the blank there]. And that she's just waiting for this part of my therapy to be over with and wondering when she can get down to the serious business of therapy by moving onto the real things (whatever that means).

Yeah, I recognize that this isn't about her at all. It's a sticking point between me and me.

Sorry for the tangent.

I just generally talked about how the idea of parts really clicks for me at least when trying to understand the ambivalence I feel about therapy. He was accepting but maybe I didn’t explain it well because it just fizzled out. What I really want is for this idea of my ambivalence towards therapy to be understood by him. He’s nice about it, but I don’t get the impression that her really “gets” it and I don’t know how to explain it. I feel tormented by the immense urge to cancel vs the desire to go. It’s not getting any better and in fact may be getting worse. It’s snowballing I to some huge thing and has become a distraction from my actual therapy.

I understand what you mean about welcomed vs wanted. There’s a huge difference between the two. I feel it also.

Do you think it’s possible to be mad at your T for going on vacation without knowing that you’re mad about it? I did ok not seeing him for 2 weeks and I was proud of myself for not even emailing him. My first session back was ok, but then after my 2nd session (I have 2 sessions on consecutive days) I emailed saying I wanted a break for the rest of the summer. Being mad about T’s taking vacation seems ridiculous to me from a logical standpoint, but could it be some unconscious abandonment thing without my even having a clue? Or would you always have a hunch?

So, what is your hunch? Why do you want to cancel? Or why do you want to take a break?

But for the question - yes, I believe (and I have experienced it myself) that it is possible to be angry and mad without knowing it yourself. Unconscious emotions are just like that - unconscious. It starts to make sense only later when they've become conscious at least to some extent.

Well, I think it makes no sense and I hate the idea that I’d do that. However, during his last vacation I “quit.” I genuinely thought I was quitting but then changed my mind, so that was weird. I remember sitting silently in session with him after his last vacation not making eye contact, with my face feeling all warm and flushed and him saying “you’re mad” but I’m not sure if that’s what I was feeling. It was strange. I’m just wondering if it’s a pattern, and if it is, I don’t feel particularly clued in.

This physiological manifestation you describe is certainly quite characteristic of being mad.

But your experience sounds familiar to me. How many times I have sat in session, the sympathetic nervous system internally totally activated (heart racing, face flushing etc), the T saying that I'm mad and I'm shouting to him that I'm not mad and totally believing it myself.

Face flushing can mean other things. I associate it more with embarrassment, although mine doesn't flush frequently. I can't remember it ever flushing when I was angry.

It’s possible I was embarrassed by the surge of emotion (anger?) that seemed to come out of nowhere. Or by the fact that it seemed apparent that I cared about his vacation.