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Lrad123
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #1
I’ve heard that it’s more common for people to cancel or to think about canceling immediately before or after their T’s vacation. I definitely do this and I think my reason is that I want to show myself that I’m in control. I did fine-ish during his absence but I’m scheduled to see him tomorrow and I have moments were I feel like I might explode with pent up anticipation. I hate that feeling and I’d like it to stop. I know it’s immature but my instinct is to want to not show up to show that I’m in control, I think. Anyone else experience something similar?

Last edited by Lrad123; Jun 25, 2019 at 12:34 PM..
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 03:43 PM
  #2
I never actually do it, but I nearly always think about ghosting or cancelling. T returns from a break tomorrow and I don't want to go. But I do. It is horrible and I go through it so much.
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 04:00 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
I never actually do it, but I nearly always think about ghosting or cancelling. T returns from a break tomorrow and I don't want to go. But I do. It is horrible and I go through it so much.
Do you talk to him about that? I’m trying to decide if it’s worth talking about (again) or if I should just muster through the discomfort and maybe it’ll get better on it’s own. The wanting to not go is such anguish because I also want to go.
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 04:57 PM
  #4
No. I would be disturbed if I felt like depriving myself of something I would otherwise participate in based off of something like somebody going on vacation. That is not a criticism of the impulse. I just mean that I wouldn't like it if somebody going on vacation indirectly led to me unnecessarily depriving myself. If I actually acted on the impulse, it would probably confirm my suspicion that I am impotent, rather than make me feel empowered. In this sort of situation, I tend to disregard any emotional turmoil I feel and carry on as normal. I guess that makes me feel more in control than if I allowed emotions that I don't like to have a say in my actions. I don't know if that's the "right" thing to do, or if there is a "right" thing to do. But that's what I do.

On a somewhat related note (maybe?), sometimes I think I want to act out to show the therapist she can't control me. When I act out, it is not of the cancelling or no-showing type (but it is definitely acting out, 95% of the time). Sometimes, it is very difficult to resist the temptation. Sometimes I give in. Sometimes I don't even try to resist and gleefully do whatever it is I am going to do. The balance of power is restored, although it comes at a cost. I guess the question that matters here is whether the cost (missing a session) is worth what you gain (feeling more in control, maybe showing something to the therapist - unclear on that).

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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 05:08 PM
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No. I would be disturbed if I felt like depriving myself of something I would otherwise participate in based off of something like somebody going on vacation. That is not a criticism of the impulse. I just mean that I wouldn't like it if somebody going on vacation indirectly led to me unnecessarily depriving myself. If I actually acted on the impulse, it would probably confirm my suspicion that I am impotent, rather than make me feel empowered. In this sort of situation, I tend to disregard any emotional turmoil I feel and carry on as normal. I guess that makes me feel more in control than if I allowed emotions that I don't like to have a say in my actions. I don't know if that's the "right" thing to do, or if there is a "right" thing to do. But that's what I do.

On a somewhat related note (maybe?), sometimes I think I want to act out to show the therapist she can't control me. When I act out, it is not of the cancelling or no-showing type (but it is definitely acting out, 95% of the time). Sometimes, it is very difficult to resist the temptation. Sometimes I give in. Sometimes I don't even try to resist and gleefully do whatever it is I am going to do. The balance of power is restored, although it comes at a cost. I guess the question that matters here is whether the cost (missing a session) is worth what you gain (feeling more in control, maybe showing something to the therapist - unclear on that).
Yeah, I probably won’t cancel, but the urge is strong. I feel this way not infrequently, but can usually make myself go, and am usually even glad I did. The struggle between wanting to go and not go is really tiring. This time it’s clearly prompted by his vacation.
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 05:13 PM
  #6
Instead of canceling, I apparently just send my T pathetic, needy emails about how I'm anxious about his vacation.
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Instead of canceling, I apparently just send my T pathetic, needy emails about how I'm anxious about his vacation.
At least you’re being honest. I think I’m just playing games with myself!
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 01:46 AM
  #8
It's not playing games, it's just trying to protect yourself. In family systems therapy it could be explained like this: the therapist going away triggered feelings of abandonment or rejection in a hurt child part. A protector steps in to guard the child by not-needing. It takes charge by wanting to reject the therapist to stave off the feelings of the abandoned child. But, while it soothes the child in the moment, when the session is missed it makes the hurt child feel even worse - now not only perceiving abandonment from the therapist but by the self as well!
Look after the child, I say. Even though missing the session will help the protector feel more in control and in charge of the situation, it will hurt the child part more.

ETA: we don't feel like cancelling sessions when the therapist goes away. We make extra sure to deliver the child parts to therapy on time instead, so they can make maximum use out of the time that is available.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:33 AM
  #9
No, I don't have a slightest urge to do that. Those are pretty much the most awaited sessions, otherwise the break would be even longer.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 03:59 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
It's not playing games, it's just trying to protect yourself. In family systems therapy it could be explained like this: the therapist going away triggered feelings of abandonment or rejection in a hurt child part. A protector steps in to guard the child by not-needing. It takes charge by wanting to reject the therapist to stave off the feelings of the abandoned child. But, while it soothes the child in the moment, when the session is missed it makes the hurt child feel even worse - now not only perceiving abandonment from the therapist but by the self as well!
Look after the child, I say. Even though missing the session will help the protector feel more in control and in charge of the situation, it will hurt the child part more.

ETA: we don't feel like cancelling sessions when the therapist goes away. We make extra sure to deliver the child parts to therapy on time instead, so they can make maximum use out of the time that is available.
Thanks for this explanation. I haven’t done IFS (my T is psychodynamic) but I find this interesting. I guess if you look at it this way, the child almost always seems to make it to our session, but it’s a huge struggle and it’s quite painful and I never really know if she’ll make it. It feels easier to deal with when I think of it in parts like that - like I can be a little more understanding if I think of it as a child. I sort of wish my T explained it that way. I wonder when this struggle will go away. It’s been going on for almost 2 years and it’s so disruptive. I just want to look forward to going to my session without all the extra drama.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 04:01 AM
  #11
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No, I don't have a slightest urge to do that. Those are pretty much the most awaited sessions, otherwise the break would be even longer.
I know, I know. But a part of me feels like I will be stronger if I prove that I can extend the break by my own free will - even if it’s painful.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 05:45 AM
  #12
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Thanks for this explanation. I haven’t done IFS (my T is psychodynamic) but I find this interesting. I guess if you look at it this way, the child almost always seems to make it to our session, but it’s a huge struggle and it’s quite painful and I never really know if she’ll make it. It feels easier to deal with when I think of it in parts like that - like I can be a little more understanding if I think of it as a child. I sort of wish my T explained it that way. I wonder when this struggle will go away. It’s been going on for almost 2 years and it’s so disruptive. I just want to look forward to going to my session without all the extra drama.
Just understanding the dynamic of what is going on internally can be enough to shift it. It's the internal struggle about having valid feelings of attachment and a sense of abandonment while also rejecting any form of attachment to protect the self from that sense of abandonment that makes it all so intense and "immediate". Once you understand the dynamic and the feelings and positive intent behind the two opposing drives it becomes easier to calm it down. Of course the child part wants attachment and connection, and of course the protector part wants to shield the child part from what that sense of rejection. Once you detach from the internal dynamic its much easier for the adult self to say 'it's okay, T is just going away on a much needed vacation and she is coming back."
It's much harder to deal with that when the adult self *knows* that but is overwhelmed or hijacked by the internal drives of the child part and the protector part.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 08:02 AM
  #13
Do you think a psychodynamic therapist would talk in terms of IFS or something similar? Because haven’t yet, but breakout down in this way (into parts) seems like it might be easier for me. I guess I’m asking if psychodynamic therapy and IFS are compatible or are they separate?
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:22 AM
  #14
No way. Why would I do that? I'd only be punishing me by depriving myself of T for a longer time period.

It's like cutting your nose to spite your face. No benefits in doing that.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 11:41 AM
  #15
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I know, I know. But a part of me feels like I will be stronger if I prove that I can extend the break by my own free will - even if it’s painful.
I'm the same, T went away for 3 weeks and part of me wanted to cancel before she went away. A childish part that says "I don't need you anyway"
and same when she got back. I went to both but yeah the urge was there and I doubt we are alone.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 01:13 PM
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Thanks for this explanation. I haven’t done IFS (my T is psychodynamic) but I find this interesting. I guess if you look at it this way, the child almost always seems to make it to our session, but it’s a huge struggle and it’s quite painful and I never really know if she’ll make it. It feels easier to deal with when I think of it in parts like that - like I can be a little more understanding if I think of it as a child. I sort of wish my T explained it that way. I wonder when this struggle will go away. It’s been going on for almost 2 years and it’s so disruptive. I just want to look forward to going to my session without all the extra drama.
Maybe you could bring up this issue with him again and mention the insights that Amyjay offered. Based on what you have shared about him, it sounds like he would be interested in this take on the issue, since it is one that seems to resound with you. Psychodynamic theory doesn't have parts in the same way as IFS - it doesn't structure things in the same way - but it does recognize competing desires and motivations. The inner conflicts that arise from those are kind of what psychodynamic theory is all about (at least, that's my impression).

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:48 PM
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Do you think a psychodynamic therapist would talk in terms of IFS or something similar? Because haven’t yet, but breakout down in this way (into parts) seems like it might be easier for me. I guess I’m asking if psychodynamic therapy and IFS are compatible or are they separate?
My T is psychoanalytic and she/we talks in terms of parts similar to how Amyjay describes it. We don't do IFS directly/strictly. I find working, thinking, and talking in parts has been extremely helpful for me. Have you started describing things in terms of your parts? If yes, how did he respond?
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 05:42 PM
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Do you talk to him about that? I’m trying to decide if it’s worth talking about (again) or if I should just muster through the discomfort and maybe it’ll get better on it’s own. The wanting to not go is such anguish because I also want to go.
Yeah, I find it useful to talk about it all. I talk about that paradox of wanting to be there and not wanting to be there too.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:11 PM
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My T is psychoanalytic and she/we talks in terms of parts similar to how Amyjay describes it. We don't do IFS directly/strictly. I find working, thinking, and talking in parts has been extremely helpful for me. Have you started describing things in terms of your parts? If yes, how did he respond?
I saw him today and didn’t bring it up. I see him tomorrow and may mention it then. I think he’ll be fine with it and may even have mentioned something about parts a long time ago.
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Default Jun 27, 2019 at 08:20 AM
  #20
I tried talking about parts today with respect to my therapy ambivalence and my therapist was receptive, but not very helpful in explaining things or elaborating on things I said. I think the folks on PC explain it much better. Now I’m left sort of wishing I had slept in instead of going to my early morning therapy session. Blah.
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