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Unhappy Jun 25, 2019 at 03:00 PM
  #1
Thanks in advance for reading. I'm 45 years old, been married for 20 years, and have known most of my life that I'm gay, I just don't live like I am. It has been an awful secret to keep. I have been in therapy for a few years, and I've not been able to tell my therapist this. I don't know why. Judgement? Humiliation? Fear? I don't know. My therapist is also a woman, but I just can't seem to tell someone, anyone who knows me. But I know therapy will not be helpful for me if I can't tell the therapist everything. I've been living a lie all of my life, and am not happy. I had hoped, one day, to feel comfortable in talking about this in therapy, but I just can't admit it. I know it is the one thing that holds me back. I've never acted on my feelings. My husband and I just exist. We have two nearly grown sons. Sometimes I think if I can find a therapist who is a lesbian and quite open about it in her practice, it might be easier to divulge my secret. I'm getting nowhere by sitting on it. I have lived my life the way society, and my family, expect me to, but I know it's not who I am. I would love some input on this. I don't know what would make me feel safe to share this with my therapist. I just know I've never been able to tell her. As I type this, I keep thinking to look behind me to make sure no one's there, reading this. That's how closeted I am.
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 08:38 PM
  #2
It takes a lot of time to trust with something like that especially with other people’s biases. I discovered last week that my T thinks I am straight because I am married to a man and I am monogamous. So, when it seems OK I am going to blow up yet another one of his assumptions about me... I am not straight I am Pan. Which, as open minded as he tries to be, in the area we are at, especially where he lives and practices there is not a lot of information about this kind of thing. I am not even sure he will be familiar with the term Pan. My husband swears up and down if I tell him I will scare or intimidate him. Have you found anyone you feel comfortable coming out to? I am also in the Midwest but originally from NY... the first person I came out to was a bisexual woman I met at a conference in California. It was nice because we hit it off well, we were both at the conference alone but knew a lot of people, the conference was generally safe for such things... and... once we went home there was no pressure to stay in contact.

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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 08:50 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyZee View Post
Thanks in advance for reading. I'm 45 years old, been married for 20 years, and have known most of my life that I'm gay, I just don't live like I am. It has been an awful secret to keep. I have been in therapy for a few years, and I've not been able to tell my therapist this. I don't know why. Judgement? Humiliation? Fear? I don't know. My therapist is also a woman, but I just can't seem to tell someone, anyone who knows me. But I know therapy will not be helpful for me if I can't tell the therapist everything. I've been living a lie all of my life, and am not happy. I had hoped, one day, to feel comfortable in talking about this in therapy, but I just can't admit it. I know it is the one thing that holds me back. I've never acted on my feelings. My husband and I just exist. We have two nearly grown sons. Sometimes I think if I can find a therapist who is a lesbian and quite open about it in her practice, it might be easier to divulge my secret. I'm getting nowhere by sitting on it. I have lived my life the way society, and my family, expect me to, but I know it's not who I am. I would love some input on this. I don't know what would make me feel safe to share this with my therapist. I just know I've never been able to tell her. As I type this, I keep thinking to look behind me to make sure no one's there, reading this. That's how closeted I am.
Oh SandyZee how I feel your pain right now. I had relationships with women a couple of times when I was in my 20's then when my family found out, zipped that up real quick so as not to be disowned, and eventually married a man, my husband of 22 years. We have an almost-21 year old son who moved out on his own this past December.

Early on in therapy (year one) I was finally able to admit out loud to being bisexual to my therapist. It was so hard to say to her!! But she took it really well and was extremely supportive. My h knew before we got married that I had been with women but he thought it was over. I acted like it was over, wanted it to be over. Fast-forward to now, going on 8 years into therapy, and I'm now seeing that I am much closer to the lesbian end of the sexuality continuum. I even came out as such to my husband a few months ago. He said that he wants me to be happy and that if i'm not we should split up while he has enough years left to find someone else. I couldn't do it. I still can't do it. I can't break his heart, I still love him and can't break my own heart, and I definitely don't want to go back to feeling like i'm going to be ostracized by my family again. It is SO hard and I am here if you ever want to private message me.

I really really hope you can talk to your therapist about this. It has been helpful to me over the years talking with mine about it, sometimes I get a little mad at her for encouraging me a little bit too much I feel to leave my marriage, she doesn't understand, because I don't know how to help her understand, how complicated this is. She's never left a marriage for this reason. It's so very complicated and if you want -I'm sending safe hugs and please know you are not alone going through this.
Oh and I almost forgot I am going to be 57 next week.
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 09:47 PM
  #4
Oh I can relate to this. I too am in my 40’s and married to a man, but quite sure I’m a lesbian. It has really been on my mind lately with all the pride month festivities.

I have come out to my Ts and a pdoc with mixed results. T1 was cool with it and accepting. It felt good to tell her. T2 was accepting, but had strong opinions that I needed to leave my marriage and I wasn’t willing to do that at the time. T3 (current T) has been accepting of it and where I am with it, but I also don’t know if he has enough expertise in this to help me. I’m contemplating seeking out another t for at least a consultation. The pdoc I came out to very early on and he was awful about it. He thought I was awful for marrying my husband and was really unkind to me about it. For this reason, I haven’t told current pdoc (yet).

Wish I had advice, but I’m also tied up in knots about this situation. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:08 AM
  #5
I think societies assumptions cause a lot of crazy making even if people are not trying to be mean or discriminatory. I was exceptionally lucky in that the woman I first came out to was very strong and comfortable in who she was and was an educator and advocate especially for youth who were coming out or discovering who they were.
People just shake their head when I explain being Pan. Gender just is not important to me in a life partner. I do find myself far more physically attracted to women but in the big picture my relationships outside of, well, lust are better with men. I have never been with someone who is trans or non-binary but if the right person had come along that would not have been an issue either. I don’t have any thoughts of leaving or stepping out of my marriage even though if H found out more about how things break down for me he would have the same reaction as Artie’s H.
Are you worried that if you come out to your T they will encourage you to leave your marriage? Is that something you are thinking about anyway? I would guess that how coming out is going to impact your marriage may play a large part in your fears about coming out.

BTW if anyone needs someone to talk to about this kind of thing you are welcome to PM me. Please, anyone, I don’t want ANYONE feeling alone in this dealing with this subject. Feeling alone in who you are as an intimate being is an aweful, aweful feeling and no one should have to feel that way.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:39 AM
  #6
Being tongue- tied about a big secret in therapy is scary when you are thinking about telling yet not telling. It splits attention and creates dissonance that is difficult with which to sit. I hope your therapist welcomes and nurtures all of the real you and understands nuances if/ when you do confide this. It’s a big wide beautiful world with room for all to be who they really are. Since society and families of origin often cannot embrace this, it is crucial a T holds space for your real self.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 07:58 AM
  #7
I have described my sexual orientation as bi for most of my life but I think the newer term pansexual is closer for me as well. Wow, it is quite shocking to hear a psychiatrist can be judgmental about LGBTQ issues. I would expect most people to be quite open and accepting these days, and especially someone working on the mental health field... I doubt it is a general way psychiatrists see it, probably just that one person, maybe he got hurt by something like that in the past.

Both of my Ts were actually quite excited when they first heard about my relationship with gender, sexual orientation, and how I handle all of it. I did not talk too much about it in therapy as it's not an area that has ever been challenging or problematic for me, but I did discuss a bit in the context of other things and both were very interested in it. The only area where they seemed a bit judgmental (maybe just clueless) is the fact that I do not practice monogamy as a default in my relationships and am unwilling to conform to such expectations, I see no point in being externally limited in this way. It sounded like the Ts believed polyamory is some kind of issue, which many people do in my experience. But for me, it is just a form of freedom and also a way to establish and maintain different good relationships without having to choose just one. For me, for example, a primary domestic relationship can coexist perfectly with exploring other interests and people, it just has to be done in an honest, respectful and safe way. It definitely requires certain personalities, ability to compromise and be tolerant though, from all parties involved.

I think it can be useful to talk about these things with a T who has interest in and experience with LBGTQ. I have never seen such a specialist as a client but know a couple mental health practitioners like that as friends, many of them have non-mainstream gender identities and sexual orientations themselves and are quite open about it.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 09:17 AM
  #8
First, thanks for your bravery in telling us! I know it can be very difficult, even if we don't know you in person.
I am a lesbian. Yet I was once married to a man, and together we had a wonderful daughter. I was already into my therapy for over 20 years, before I told my T that I had fallen in love with another woman. She didn't bat an eye. I think she has always been more concerned that I am in healthy relationships, rather than who I was with in them.
I think you might be surprised at how many of "us" there are. But what's the worst thing that might happen if you revealed your secret to your T? Sometimes the anxiety about telling can be worse than the actual telling.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:35 AM
  #9
I would encourage you to take a risk with your T and tell her.

Her reaction will tell you if she is a professional or... a bigot. If the latter, by all means an LGBT T might be the way to go for a deeper understanding of what you are going through.

I would invite you to give your T the opportunity to respond to you though. I know it is easier said than done but, as you said, you have lived a long time with this secret. And it is time for you to have a chance at happiness and to blossom. Unfortunately, you are the one who has to take the first step i.e. to tell people/T.

Again, this doesn't mean that you ought to suffer people's narrow-mindedness. You always have the option of finding a lesbian T if this one doesn't pan out. There is no shame in being gay..
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #10
Has your T ever done/said anything to make you think she will react negatively or do you think you worry because that is they way your family has? Most of the Ts I know will be supportive and such even if they don't necessarily agree with something.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 12:20 PM
  #11
Maybe you could also explore meeting new people who are LGBTQ? Might be easier to start talking about it with new people who understand, rather than telling the old ones in your life. Creating such connections might also bolster your self-confidence around this and probably some of those people had similar experiences and found ways to resolve the situation in a satisfying way.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 04:12 PM
  #12
Kinda in the same boat. I was married to a man in the past. We could start a club, lol. No one in real life knows I’d like to date a woman instead. I’ve been slowly testing the waters with T over the past few months. It has helped my courage and might be something you could try?
A couple weeks ago I told her I want to tell her an important “people” thing, but it needs to be when she’ll be in town consistently for weekly appointments. She is not straight, and I’m pretty sure she was married to a man in her past, too, so I’m really thankful that there’s some common ground. I guess there’s still that underlying fear of her taking it the wrong way, though.

You are not alone and we are here to support you.

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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 06:37 PM
  #13
Thank you for the warmness and understanding! I have never told a soul. Ever. Until here. And I know I'm as anonymous on here as all of you! Well, I hope so anyway. It was even scary to type on a public forum. My "T" has never given me any reason to think she wouldn't be more than supportive, it's just me. Maybe just coming here and saying it will help me open up to her eventually. Unfortunately, she's on vacation for the next couple of weeks, so maybe it will give me time to think about it. I've found a couple of books on this subject and am working on reading them. I don't know why I care what she would think, I really can't figure it out. But I know once I tell her, I can't untell her. I'm not attracted to her in the least, so that's not it. They advertise as "friendly" with issues like this, but I suppose it's just admitting it for the very first time. I don't know. I really appreciate your replies!
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 01:19 AM
  #14
You know Sandy Zee you only get one chance at this wild event called life. I hope you find a way to give it your all... to live your best life with your most authentic and loving self. I hope you find your way to grow the courage you need to be fully and authentically You.
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Default Jul 01, 2019 at 07:59 PM
  #15
Was thinking of you today because I had a pdoc appt and was hoping to tell him a little about what I’m dealing with. I got too nervous and couldn’t do it. Sigh. Such hard stuff.
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Default Jul 01, 2019 at 10:55 PM
  #16
Thank you Eliza.... you all are quite right. I don't know if I can't tell just this therapist, or if I would have a problem saying it at all to anyone. I need to be true to myself first...it's a tough spot to be in.
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Default Jul 04, 2019 at 01:27 PM
  #17
This brings back a lot of memories. I worked with a therapist for about 8 months before revealing that I was actually involved with a woman and living with her. My rationalization was that I was dealing with other things, and that the relationship was a good thing in my life. I never lied outright, but I was a master of omitting pronouns. When things started to go bad, I realized was actually keeping information from the therapist, so that she had an inaccurate picture of my life. Because I had kids and was divorcing a man, it seemed to be a surprise to her. I know I find the phrase, " I date woman." to be easier for me to say- and think the first time I came out to anyone it was because a man friend who I knew to be friends with many lesbians was feeling out the possibility of a relationship with me and I didn't want to hurt him or lie. I know I came up with a script and practiced a bit.

I believe that if you are going to keep working with a therapist, you need to know that she would support you on this. The last time I moved and consequently needed a new therapist, I laid everything out in the first session. For me, I see no sense spending money or time when I'm not giving her all the information. At the beginning though, I was where you are. .

I was in a very small online group for woman coming out " later in life" - carefully moderated, and founding very helpful.
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Default Jul 04, 2019 at 01:39 PM
  #18
That sounds like a very stressful situation. You didn't say how long you've been seeing your therapist, but I wouldn't be surprised if she knew you were gay for some time. She's certainly never going to bring it up herself. She's waiting for you to bring it up when you are ready.

I just started to make a list for you along the lines of "What's the worst the could happen if you told her?" and then it hit me. You can't tell anybody you are gay, because if you do, it will oblige you to do something about it. You'll have to confront and deal with a bad marriage, family, and friends. Revealing who you really are opens you up for all kinds of new things to face. I apologize if I'm way off-base here. Good luck!
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Heart Jul 04, 2019 at 02:38 PM
  #19
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Originally Posted by Topiarysurvivor View Post
I was a master of omitting pronouns.
I am starting to totally relate to this! In the recent past when I chatted with a woman for the first time on a dating site, I realized her name was gender ambiguous and would be safe to mention in session if it ever came up (it didn’t, and we aren’t chatting anymore).

The other day I saw a new pdoc for the first time and thought of y’all in this thread. On the intake paperwork it asked for sexual orientation and I left that question blank (not completely sure why it’s relevant anyways). Pdoc had a rainbow “love =” decoration in her office, so I’m pretty certain she’s safe, and it was a great appointment, too. When later searching her name online for professional reviews, a marriage license application came up in the results for her with another woman from a few years ago. I can’t lie... I’m absolutely delighted!!

Although there are lots of great men out there and some of them are even my trusted friends, I’m kinda on a “Boo men!” streak right now. I’m also in love (celebrity crush wise) with US women’s soccer star Megan Rapinoe right now, lol. With regards to the women’s soccer World Cup currently in progress, one of my favorite headlines from a recent game where she kicked both winning goals was “Purple-haired lesbian goddess flattens France like a crêpe.”

Sending good wishes to all of you on your relationship journeys...
—Meow

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Default Jul 04, 2019 at 02:41 PM
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I'm also in love (celebrity crush wise) with US women’s soccer star Megan Rapinoe right now, lol.
Omg, same.

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