Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Why you always tell me don't put it on Facebook?!

Six more sleeps. Feeling exposed again.

Dear T: I am looking forward to seeing you tonight. I wish I could have seen you when I was in crisis and now that I'm not I'm still happy to see you but it doesn't feel so pressing. But my appointment was made a couple of weeks ago, so how could I know when I would be in crisis. Also, T, sometimes I want to hug you. But I don't think I ever will ask you. It might feel weird. Also, T, please don't be annoyed that I didn't actually do the homework. I had no words. See you in 6.5 hours. Thanks Kit

There are no words to explain how much I am hurting right now.

HUGS @kaleidoscopeheart

Did you think I wasn't working hard enough? Thought it was time to crank up the therapy-o-meter? Is this free entertainment for you? Cancelled your Netflix and need to source some comedy value? Oh better than that, I am paying for the opportunity to be your clown!! What a sucker.

**** went down today and everything is collapsing. Family and friends , hatred towards me I feel that I deserve from thesse people

Your words keep ringing in my head "part of you has to die"

I watched that part of me die in the mirror today, red faced red eyes pained and sobbing. Totally desperate.

She almost killed us today

Part of me will die today but not all of me. I'm letting her go. I'm no longer allowing her to make me suffer and wish for death every day.

She is grieving and sad that she Has to go. Shes been me for decades

I dont know who I am without her

I'm scared of what's to come. She has to go, she is dying today before she takes us all with her

I won't let her kill me

I'm scared of everything, what will happen next. When she goes ... who will I be

I hope to be reformed . A new person. I hope to no longer suffer Matt. I cannot suffer anymore

I want to be new . I no longer want these burdens of hurt and rage

I watched her eyes in the mirror as she cried and pleaded to kill us all. I watched her face twist up and turn red , the tears pouring down, the huge frown and sad, guilty eyebrows

I watched her and sunk to the floor ..collapsed and saw myself from afar, I saw her slumped over on the bathroom floor and I knew right then that she has to die today

Part of me will die today but not all of me. I'm so scared of what is to come.

I’m almost wondering if T’s weird change in attitude means she’s going to leave the practice. I’ve seen it happen a lot in the few jobs I’ve had. I also saw it with my hairstylist. People change for no reason when I know it wasn’t me and then they leave or the place gets shut down. That place won’t get shut down that’s for sure. But I am wondering since she seemed to get withdrawn pretty suddenly. I’m pretty resilient to these types of things. If she leaves it is what it is. I’ll find someone else.

You talk a lot.

You're a fighter! You will make it through this!

Nobody cares about me!

Well, we talked. It didn't really go like we had planned, but we talked. And thankfully it went well. I wish I could tell you about it before the 26th

Here’s the dilemma:
1) I want you there just in case something comes up and I need you (which hasn’t happened yet)
2) I can’t tolerate your being there. It makes me really anxious

Five more sleeps

Dear T,

I should probably tell you about the really intense night I had with the guy I'm seeing. But I hate talking with you about relationships, and talking with you about sex or how I feel about my body is even worse. It just squicks me out. Maybe I'll email you so that I can tell you without having to do it in person.

-c

Pay attention to me, damn you! Give me attention this very second!

Dear T,

Still hurting. Pretty sure I don't deserve to feel better about myself or my life. It is what it is and we are just wasting time pretending that anything can really change. It sucks being worthless.

Is it possible that by the way you respond or don’t respond to me you are modeling healthy boundaries like the ones I can use with my mom? Or my son? Or all the people in my life? Like I don’t have to be self-sacrificing to show I care. You’re there and you care, but aren’t always available at all costs, but if I really needed you to be maybe you would.

I’m not sure what I’ll tell her tomorrow. Although I’m sure she’ll comment on the shirt I plan on wearing tomorrow since she finds it necessary to comment on my shirts. I wore a plain black shirt last week and she had to make a comment about it. Really?

Do we even need to go back to that intense conversation from a couple weeks ago?