Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I don't care about your holiday.
I don't care about your holiday.
I don't care about your holiday.
I don't care about your holiday.

Can you tell I care about your holiday and you being away?

I don't want to see you today. I don't have the time or energy. Please go on vacation soon. At least I have only had to see you once a week for the past two weeks. It seems like every time I turn around I have another appt with you.

Well I broke my email streak there didn't I?

I need assistance. I'm going well stressed out. I don't know how to cope. Get I do. Does that make sense to you?

Yep. Back to I definitely don't want to see you.

I've been thinking about the stuff we've been talking about and made a connection to how I felt when you "abandoned" me.
It's been more than a year. Do you resent that I still bring it up? I wish I could just decide to let it go and be over it.

Thank you for holding me steady today - felt like you were literally trying to do that at points.

Not sure if I am going to send this to former T or not...thought I would write it here first.
Dear L,
Hi. How are you doing? It is hot now; I assume that means that your MS symptoms are worse. I’m so sorry about that. Are you still having a lot of fatigue? I miss you, but you know that.
Things have been going okay with T. She’s not as good as you. No one is as good as you, probably. She tries hard though. I think she is starting to understand me. At least that is what she said at our last session. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve started seeing her, but of course, as I don’t go every week, I think the progress is slower. I’m starting to trust her. It didn’t take me as long to trust you. Sometimes when she gives me a response to something, I think, “That is not what L would say.” But that’s okay. She is a different person; therefore, she has different views, or different ways of saying things.
T is really quite nice. She encourages me to tell her things that I’m reluctant to tell her. For example, I’ve been having thoughts of I know it is bizarre when I say it outside of me, but inside of me, it seems perfectly reasonable. I didn’t want to tell her that at first; I was afraid she would judge me. Or think me peculiar. She said something akin to, “I hear many things. I don’t think many of them are bizarre, so tell me anyway.” So, I did. Now you would have told me something akin to, “It doesn’t work that way,” when I was explaining the battery thing. She didn’t tell me that. It makes me think, hmmm, might as well try it. However, I know that is not what she would want me to do.
T. is pretty good at making a big deal out of it when I’ve gone some time without self-harm. That makes me feel good. It makes me feel like she cares whether I self-harm. She continually pushes me to agree to more time without self-harm. That too is a good thing but as you know, I usually get to a point where I’m worn out by it all and give in. But she doesn’t get upset when I do self-harm. She just attempts to refocus me back to agreeing to more time without self-harm.
T. is big on eye movement. I’m not sure if what she is doing is EMDR or not. She hasn’t really said. But she takes two fingers and hold them up, away from her, and moves them back and forth quickly. I’m supposed to follow them with my eyes. The first couple of times we did it, I just ended up dissociated. Well, the very first time, I was just bewildered as to what in the world she was doing. Sometimes I still just end up dissociated. However, last session we did some eye movement exercises. I was able to calm myself back down by thinking of my kitties.
Last session is when she uncovered that I have a layer of terror in me that the anger is hiding behind. The fact that she could tell I have terror in me both unnerved me and intrigued me. Maybe she knows I am hiding things from her. I just can’t tell her. You probably would encourage me to tell her. But I don’t think I can. I think I shouldn’t have told you either because I wasn’t in a position to deal with it. Maybe that makes me a bad person. It’s lose-lose. Both telling and not telling.
I got a weighted blanket. Two of them, actually. It is supposed to be good for stress and anxiety. I think it helps calm me down. The first one I got was only 10lbs. It wasn’t heavy enough. So, I got a second one which is 20lbs. I often use the two together and it feels good having the weight on me.
I’m pretty close to self-harming today. It’s been 55 days since I have self-harmed. Yet, I think I’m about to blow my streak. I know that’s bad. I can’t fight with it anymore. It wins. If it doesn’t win today, it will win another day. Some days I am good at fighting it. Other days it doesn’t cross my mind so much. But I get to that point where I’m just done. And I’m about at that point. I was supposed to make it until the 31st. I have a primary care doctor appointment on the 31st and I think it would be better if I didn’t have any cuts on me. Part of me no longer cares. The other part of me remembers T. being excited for me when I don’t cut. She says, “Hot Diggity!” I think that’s funny. So, there is a little part of me that is holding out for T. Holding out for her excitement. Then there is the other part of me that just doesn’t care anymore. That will take the consequences as they come because that is better/easier than just not self-harming. I need to be careful, now that I have gotten stitches for my cuts. It’s embarrassing to go to the hospital. It’s embarrassing to get the stitches out. It’s embarrassing having my parents know. But, the other part of me, the self-destructive part, doesn’t care. It wants to be like, look, I’m in pain here. I know, I should just use my words. But they seem to just disappear in the ether.

Dear former T: I really hope you respond to my email. I'm totally going out to buy batteries tonight. I would love to hear from you first. Sigh. Kit

When you grabbed a tissue and took off your glasses and did something that I couldn't see because I was staring at the floor ... were you ... idk ... tearing up or something?

I feel guilty and ashamed for even considering that possibility. Like it's pathetic that I could possibly think that if it's not at all the case. I'm lying to myself thinking that you would ever care that much, that I could ever affect you that much.

Rationally I'm aware that this is probably a hard topic for you to have to listen to. I'd imagine you felt some degree of guilt when you first found out how badly you ****ed up and how much I got hurt. But I'm not sure if you've worked through that guilt or whether you still feel at least a bit. Part of me hopes you have. Part of me hopes you still feel some guilt along with the regret and empathy.
But I'd probably feel even more guilty for bringing it up and not let myself do so again.

I missed you today.

At this very moment I appreciate you. I know I don’t ever say that or really let myself even think that very often, but I do.

Remembering what it felt like to just sit there and breathe with you yesterday.


Thank you.

I'm still trying to figure out why you texted me while I was in the psych ward. Even if my husband was misinformed and told you I had my phone, you should know from experience that wasn't the case. You could've called the hospital like you did when I first got there... It almost makes no sense.

Dear T,
I'm glad you realized I was disconnected yesterday. A year ago, I doubt you'd have noticed. It shows that you know me well now and also that you're paying attention. I wonder if I could have been dissociating? Apparently that's possible even if I'm talking. Should be a good discussion for Monday, I think. Hopefully I can figure out how to connect before you go out of town--guess I have two sessions to do that. I may also need to examine if I do this with other people, too. And what's up with my having more derealization since I've had D. Considering that I hadn't done that much since being a child.

Love,
LT

Dear t, I hate you right now.
I was not projecting onto you that fact is- you were pretty awful to me today. I am not trying to appease you. I hate your guts and you were so abusive today.
I honestly feel that you are collecting snippets of my life and using them against me.

I'm not doing well. I really need an earlier or extra session but been too scared to ask because if you'd said no it would be another thing to deal with and I'm too fragile to deal with that rejection right now.

I really wish I could sit and cry in your presence. It's something I've struggled with always with Ts. I could get tearful with past Ts or even a little more on rare occasions, but I wish I could let go. I wish I could be that vulnerable with you, but I'm too heady. I'm too much in control.

Dear T: I with there were some way to tell you that I'm struggling to not SH right now. I know I could call your office and you might call me back but I'm too chicken for that. Besides, it's not an emergency. I'm not SUI. I just wish I could have your support right now. Miss you. Kit

I am feeling so bad right now.

And you are wrong I am very broken.