Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Today at youth group a lady came up to talk to me about getting the child with her into our program. OMG she reminded me so much of you. She looked like you and talked a lot like you. It was hard to stay focused on what she was saying. All I could think about was wishes it was you I was talking to.

If I called you and told you this, you'd get nervous and probably tell me that you think I need more i.e. the hospital like you told my Thursday. I haven't even told H how I'm feeling which you suggested I do.

I self harmed but I dont trust you enough yet to tell you. I was thinking about suicide a lot too, I still am, and I am afraid that if I tell you that you will overreact

Here I go again. I know I’m getting ahead of myself here, but I can’t help it. I emailed you, after taking a 6 week break, to schedule an appointment. You replied, but due to a “family crisis” you are clearing your calendar “and don’t know when you’ll be seeing clients again". You gave me a couple of options, to email you, or to see a colleague of yours. To both of those options, I say “NOPE”. Repeat...NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!!! F*** no I’m not going to bother you during whatever it is you’re going thru. Seriously, my sh* is stupid, and we both know it.
I know I’m the one who called for the break. I don’t need to see you that often. But you’re still the only support system I have when I get overwhelmed.
On the “bright” side, this isn’t nearly as bad as when T1 told me about her cancer diagnosis. I saw her once or twice after that and that was it. She was gone. I was devastated beyond anything I had ever experienced before. It was really, really bad and I did not cope well with that at all. You helped me thru that. However, I’m still crushed. I feel terribly selfish for feeling this way. I don’t “know” that this is it, but I feel like this is the end and I’ll never see you again. I get the sense you may shut your practice down now. I don’t know. I just automatically go to worst case scenario. The thought of never seeing you again leaves me feeling heartbroken.
I have trouble trusting anyone, even people I know. I’m not starting with another one. I tend to shut down. If I do manage to open up, I’ll run and hide afterwards…shut down. I call it “turtle-ing”. Like I’m imitating a turtle. Stick my head out of my shell, then duck and hide afterwards. I am petrified of connection. You called it “fortressing”. So…you really think I’m going to see someone else??
Since I was the one to ask for a break, I struggled for over a week before emailing you to set something up. I made a list of reasons why I needed to talk to you. If I didn’t think those reasons were legit enough to warrant an appointment, I wouldn’t have bothered you. I reviewed that listed for days. I debated. I can’t just decide to see you because it makes me feel good. I finally get the courage up to ask for an appointment. I get shot down. It’s so painful. Wracked with guilt for feeling the way I feel when you are going thru something that obviously just turned your world upside down.
Not sure I could ever see you again after this. Not until I know what it is that did this to you.

I can't help but feel like that last dream we talked about was telling the future. Just because your office was slightly different in the dream doesn't mean it wasn't fairly literal. To me, anyway. Most of it matched exactly right down to that creepy-woman drawing hanging next to where I sit. Egad I hate that thing. I really should have told you how much I hate it. I know my requested break just started but dang it I think I miss you already. Probably because I started working on that writing prompt you suggested. And two sentences in it already made me cry. That was a damn ****ing good question, you know. Love you.

Dear T: I don't know if I should tell you that my Sui thoughts are between passive and active. I'm thinking of taking steps that would lead to active but I have not taken those steps. If you are leaving me I won't tell you. I don't want you to think it's a reaction to that. I might be partly. I feel let down by the whole therapy and PDOC thing. But I just can't keep going like this. Oh and I stopped taking my AD and my AP again. IDK why. I just want to feel better and I'm not feeling better on those. If we are going to go the supplement route, maybe they will work. I just want to have something just in case that's why my thoughts are in between passive and active. I want to be able to act if I need to. I don't know if I will tell you all of this. I have until Wednesday night to decide. Kit

Dear M,
Well I certainly threw a bunch at you today. Scared away yet? Transitional objects, stuffed animal named after ex-MC, finding ex-MCs wife’s FB page, crying over her death, talking to ex -MC at 2 am, telling him I loved him, saying I’d seen your LinkedIn (but that’s a professional page, so....) other stuff. Am I testing you? Probably. But I want to know now if you can handle stuff like that. Not like 6 or 12 months down the line when it’s more likely to become an issue. Wonder what you’ll tell your supervisor about it? And what she’ll say? And I managed to share stuff about my marriage in there too. Which is how the conversation started. Did you notice my general lack of emotion the whole session? What’s interesting is I’d been crying in the car beforehand. Yet session? Nothing. Also wasn’t looking at you much. I miss having a window to stare out of or a fish to look at.
LT

T who isn't my T,
That thing you said still upsets me. A childish part of me wants to pull away. To sulk? To show you that you hurt me? To get your attention? To tell myself that I don't need you? To reassure myself of the balance of our relationship by making you be the one to reach out so I don't feel so disgustingly needy?
It would be manipulative. I hate that I can't not overthink all of this.
You didn't explicitly say that you don't think it's my own fault or that I'm to blame, even when I told you that's how your original statement felt. You didn't actually deny it.

I might need to cut back on sessions. I have a large bill I have to pay.

I kind of wish I didn't exist.

Aaaahhhhhh!!! This sucks and I have no one to talk to about it.
Do you realize how hard this is on me? It just sounds like you're not coming back. The loss hurts.

I wonder why my first appointment isn't until Wednesday this week. Are you out of the office? I admit I would feel kind of put out if you are in the office but I couldn't have my first appointment on Monday or Tuesday. But if you aren't in the office, I'm glad I get my two appointments at all this week.

It's hard work being needy.

I hope you're ready to deal with me today and that you have looooots of patience cause you're gonna need it

This unrelenting anger feels like a chronic illness. It's not about you, obviously, but I am at a loss for ways to deal with it effectively.

Miss you, see you tomorrow

T,
See you tomorrow. Best of luck dealing with me.

Dear T: I'm actually looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, if nothing else, for these unrelenting suicidal thoughts. I am glad I saw you for a minute or two yesterday just to tell you, "See you Wednesday." It's weird that I've seen the Pdoc twice since I've seen you. He is probably more helpful. At least he didn't tell me to bake. I'm curious to know whether you will be seeing clients after 12/31/19. If not, maybe I should just take a break from therapy. Maybe I'm just being a wimp and not wanting to find a new therapist. It's just so hard to find one. I hope you have something helpful to say tomorrow rather then, just do more baking, or some such nonsense. That is not enough to help my depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm anxious though that you won't be seeing clients after 12/31/19. But maybe you will move to a new agency. Or just keep your other job. It's weird you have two jobs. I guess there's not enough demand up here?

Last week you asked me what the elephant in the room was.

I didn't answer you, but it's talking about my grandmother.

I don't want your kindness.

T1,

I feel guilty as **** about something that logically I shouldn't even feel guilty about. But I still wanted to talk to you about it.
For once you were going to be useful, and then you had to cancel my appt. this week. Nice timing, really.

I know u came in there today 2 spy on me . From our phone conversation yesterday . Dont b worried t. I think it will go well. And I will be stronger learning to manage my symptoms with lower meds. I cannot b depressed anymore!! **** ANTI PSYCHOTICS

I am so sick of being brave, and yet I don't know how to let my guard down.