Couch 200: The Bicentennial Couch.

It sounds like a break is a good idea. And you could always go try out new ones if you start feeling like you want to talk to one of them

Healed—for what it’s worth I think you are one tough cookie and will be okay whatever you decide.

Email sent.. 35 day t break starts now!

Right now in therapy I have two big things going on that I need to process with T but he is not in the office this week, back for two sessions then away again. Anyway... one of our sessions a while back brought up a lot of shame around touch and since then I haven’t wanted the symbols of any of my supports in session. The second is discovering how extremely neglectful and messed up my infancy was. For some reason a picture of T with his granddaughter on his lap just made it all so real, so much contrast. T is deeply bothered by both my infancy and my not wanting my supports around me right now. Next session I am thinking of bringing up the infancy stuff... well, as an infant I didn’t have any supports... all I really remember having was my blanket. So today I went out and got stuff to replicate my baby blanket (the original got lost in a move about 5 years ago). Does it seem stupid to bring that to session as the symbol of the “support” I had as an infant? It was the only comforting, nurturing thing I could think of.

I sent an email to P earlier today while I think I was mildly dissociating and I can't remember exactly what I said and now I'm afraid to go back and read it. I hope I didn't sound too stupid. I hope he doesn't regret touching my arm today. I don't need him to make a habit of it, but it was nice. We've only ever touched fingers incidentally when passing his phone back and forth when I sign for the payment. Tomorrow is our last session before he leaves for holiday for 11 days. This weekend is the anniversary of the fire. This feels like a **** show waiting to happen.

I think bring whatever you need to therapy. Your T doesn't sound like he will judge you for it.

I rubbed my wrist raw today in session with my Fitbit band. I didn't notice how badly it left a mark until I got home and looked at it. Apparently I was anxious. Kind of did a doorknob confession by bringing up the hospital with 10 minutes left in session. I didn't do it intentionally but we spent a lot of time talking about my oldest starting middle school in the fall and what middle school was like for me. I felt disconnected from T. He said my daughter's name incorrectly when we've talked plenty of times a out her. And he mixed up which son I was seeking a new T for.

One of son's birthday is tomorrow. I was making Google sing happy birthday to him. He seemed to get a kick out of that.

I miss L. I feel so alone without T and L.

First time I have used Uber eats I found it confusing and unhelpful after I ordered my meal it was cancelled for some reason and then I had to order again and I found navigating the menu difficult. I am an up and down kinda girl and not a swipey left and right kind

Taking an oatmeal-lavender bath to try to soothe a sunburn I got at the beach. I think it’s helping a bit.

Missing @Misery Business on this forum. Hope the universe is watching over her.

The universe has blessed me recently and I am very grateful but a bit scared because it is an unfamiliar feeling. I need to remember that no matter what, I will be ok because I am equipped with skills that I did not have in the past and I am in a better place now.

Rough day here. H doesn’t understand that after three years of fighting for a break from my son I have lost patience. I am getting passed over for a better position at work that would better enable me to pay for T because of my son. But H is mad because I am “playing the victim”... well I am afraid to leave my room when alone with my son but H says be patient these things don’t happen over night and we are working on it... 3 years and nothing but worse! How haven’t I been patient?

I have a baby blanket that I bring to session almost every time. For the longest time it didn't come out of my bag. Then it would come out only now and then. Now, it is coming out every session because the AC in T's office makes the space supper cold and I'm wearing clothing consistent with the outside warm weather. I like having the cold as an excuse to automatically pull it out.

I found the blanket at a garage sale. It's a hand made quilt, made of soft cloth, flannels and such. I really like it. It's starting to fray and that is bothersome. It is also starting to be a bit young in terms of interests. I'd like a new one that was slightly larger and more boyish in nature. I keep looking for one, but not finding one that is made of soft/flannel material.

So, I guess my answer is no, it is not stupid. I'd follow that up with, why does it have to be a symbol of comfort from the past rather than simply something that provides comfort in the now? I like my blanket because of the texture, warmth (it is warm), and patterns it provides - it's stars and moon. I'm able to pet it, trace the lines on it, play with the strings, and get warm. All of those things give me comfort/support/grounding in the now. About the only thing I can't do with it is hide completely under it.

@Omars - if it helps any, I have brought lots of things with me to session. My T is very open to allowing me to explore playing, so I bring toys, building blocks, books, coloring things, cars, ... and the likes. For a while, we played quite a bit. We had a rupture and some stuff happened in my relationship with my wife and it's been harder to stay connected to the part that wants to play. And to be honest, that part might be "growing up" a bit.

So far your T has seemed pretty open, you might want to have some discussions with him about things you can do in your session. I know other T's are much more regimented with how the time is spent. I also know that different clients have different needs. Fully relaxing while "playing" is a major struggle for me. It makes social engagements very difficult and that stiffness/shyness comes through. It is hard work for me to be comfortable being silly or "making a fool" of myself in that joyful goofy off way. This kind play is in essence a form of exposure therapy for me and we do spend a significant amount of time discussing what different things mean and what I felt, so on around the play.

Both T and I acknowledge that there's also an element of regression that is going on. My T keeps strict boundaries around touch, as in there isn't much that is allowed, a handshake, high five, and incidental contact. She also doesn't engage in actions that move her away from being a therapist - there's no baby talk or anything like that. She will at times simplify her vocabulary/explanations to match the level of my head space when my thinking becomes cognitively younger.

I feel like mentally I'm stuck on the loading screen today. Can dissociation persist even after sleep?

I think so. I often describe being at a place of watching paint dry. This might be similar to your loading screen.

*sigh* Our emotions and feelings are so complicated. Always so many going on at once.

The only thing I don’t like about my T is he is away a lot and he acknowledges that this is hard on me and not ideal. The first time he was away was somewhat unexpected. He was expecting a grand baby and he canceled session to go to her but that would have only been our third or fourth session. The next one was for a planned CEU thing and we had started to connect more. The session before he left he had me pick objects from his office to represent different internal and external supports and put them in a circle around me. He then worked to anchor my feelings of connectedness to those supports. I was REALLY uncomfortable with it at first but have since found it to be helpful until two weeks ago when I started feeling too much shame to have them in the room. So that’s the background.
Now T and I are moving towards processing some things from infancy, mostly profound neglect. T wanted me to have my support circle to do that work. But infant me didn’t have any people she had a blanket, Keykey. She doesn’t know how to engage a person. Then the bigger snafoo... once we get to about 6 years old other abuse starts and she is afraid of men. The most important support in my circle is a man. I don’t want T to get to that age and have her trigger because there is a man next to her and trigger. Right now a lot of the shame connects to an email between me and my priest too... which T and I need to talk about to but haven’t been able to yet.

Missing former T quite a bit today. I miss her everyday but some days are harder than others. I don't see current T again until the 30th which feels far away but really isn't. I was so close to SH-ing today because a coworker made me feel quite irritated. I have trouble getting angry but I can on occasion get really irritated. And she pushed all my buttons today. But the intensity of the moment has passed and now I feel tired and vulnerable. Sigh. HUGS Kit

Omers, I think I remember SD saying something a while ago about some process where parents in your situation could petition to have legal control handed over to the state. Maybe it's time to look into that. I don't know what sort of attorney you would need for that. Probably either a family or disability lawyer. Since the caseworker sounds completely useless, you probably will need a lawyer. If all else fails, you might have to move to another state where they are willing to step in. I know that sounds drastic, but your situation is completely out of control. I might even consider what sort of legal consequences you could face if you left your husband and son and moved out. I know your son is no longer a minor (I think), but I'm unclear if you have legal guardianship due to disability or not. If you do, you may face charges for abandoning him, although I doubt you would face jail time (obviously IANAL and don't actually know). And I'm not sure if it would be considered abandonment since your husband would still be there. Anyway, just one more reason to consult an attorney. I'd seriously consider all your options given the fact that he continues to assault you. If you aren't his legal guardian, I would really think about moving out. I know lawyers are expensive, but your therapist goes out of town all the time. Maybe that could help you save up money for a consultation.

Btw, kind of random, but I have made a few hundred dollars in a few months using an app called Field Agent. Basically, it's an app that has stuff like mystery shopping, photo audits, and buy and try products. It's all really easy. The jobs don't pay a lot, but it does add up, and I've also gotten a lot of free stuff. It's just an easy way to earn extra cash - and the vast majority of the jobs either don't require you to purchase anything, or you get reimbursed for buying a specific product.